Knowing Is The Battle by Rod Swirling - The presence of prescience isn't necessarily a present.

Nick of Time - S2E7
  - Short, Drama

Another one that sits more in the 'inspired by' category - good.

Thought the first page was a little dialogue heavy and some of it a little on the nose, but then it settled down.

The premise is good, I enjoyed the idea and though I've seen similar before I thought it worked well in the context here, particularly liked that he couldn't stop reading them.

Personally, if you intend to re-write at all, I'd vary what the cookies reveal to him, different body counts from disasters and such could be expanded on.

Good effort

NOTES AS I READ:

Your opening -- a bit of an eyesore. How many times was the name Max mentioned in the scene heading and the first paragraph of description? And then, you mention character relationships -- Max's mom, Max's dad, Max's neighbors... how does the audience know this if they were to watch it on screen? This should be shown or revealed through action and dialogue. On top of that, we don't even meet Max... so we have no reference outside of the scene heading.

Also, not sure about Max having conversations with himself like that, sounds a tad unnatural. I really don't think you need most of that dialogue.

PAGE 5:

Quoted Text FADE TO BLACK OVER BLACK: PRESENT DAY Officer Muldoon watches the house closely as he approaches the others

Where are we, exactly? Outside the house. This is a bit sloppy, there should be a scene heading.

Also, I'm not a fan of the structure with going back and forth with flashbacks to present day. It's not working with me, there isn't a flow to the story.

Quoted Text Another chair crashes through a different window and Max's voice bellows from inside: MAX (O.S.) I don't want to know anymore! I just don't want to know anymore but I can't stop! I can't stop! Martha Fenig breaks down in tears as the two officers duck low and rush toward the house.

Again, sloppy, I have no idea what's happening. So, they're outside the home? And then the mother just suddenly appears outside, out of thin air? We need to know what we're looking at. Did she run out of the house?

PAGE 6: So, Max jumps out the window, I guess because he's gone mad. Okay. But why does the cop shoot him? Is Max jumping out of the window with intentions of attacking the cop? I don't get it.

I liked the fortune cookie at the end, really liked the irony of it. And it was funny. And the tale is a classic. A great premise. But why would he keep opening fortune cookies if he saw that they were only predicting or making bad things happen? You'd think after the 100th fortune cookie that he'd notice a pattern.

Overall, I like the premise, but the writing needs a massive overhaul.

-- Michael

A clunky introduction and some rushed writing made this a tricky read. It can be easily sorted in a re-write. For example, there is no need to tell the reader if one character is related to another in their introductions. You need to write the action and dialogue to get this across. After all, the audience won't see the script.

This was quite predictable where it was headed (and I haven't seen the episode it was inspired by) but it was fine.

-Mark

Hi writer,

That logline is quite the limerick… had to Google me ‘prescience’ (oh… that’s what that means), anyway, wee tidbit: fortune cookie is actually an American invention originating in California. Not sure how it was adopted by the Chinese Food Restaurants, and I can’t be bothered to look it up. But now, knowing that… it makes even more (or less) sense that the fortune inside can predict future (tragic) events transpiring in America… err, is that where we are? I think so.

The ending was telecast up front, so I think the story has a double meaning here: it’s based on foretelling future events, and as a hidden gem from within the script, the reader is given the ability to forecast the ending… I’m not trying to be a sly dipship, it was just inevitable when the cops drew their weapons and approached the house.

Definitely could be made on a shoestring budget and doesn’t require much explanation to get the viewer on board with the whole spookiness of it all. Works well based on the theme you went with.

Not really important to tell us the relationship those three have with Max right in the first action block. That will come naturally in dialogue when the police show up later on.

Why are they asking Arthur what is going on, why aren't they banging on the door themselves?

What's the reason for Max is seeing these grim predictions?

Overall I like the idea of the fortune cookie notes  being this dark and the madness Max has ended up in knowing all these terrible things will happen. It's just the "why" of all this is happening that is missing.

Hi writer,

Read this one twice. I get the feeling this script is written by a new writer? Some formatting issues with scene headings and action lines read a bit clunky. Some on the nose dialogue in the beginning with Max that is unnecessary. Would like to note, I have also not seen this episode of TZ that the script is inspired by.

A couple notes on characters, if the officers get spooked that easy, are they supposed to come off as incompetent?

The tone is a bit off with this one, especially at the end. I know you had to bring in the fortune cookie slip in somehow at the ending, but Jonathon's son is dead and he cares more about the fortune cookies than his dead son that was killed by the hands of an officer accidentally? Some tonal shifts into a dark comedy rather than staying true as a Drama in this one.

Will do well with a rewrite, as the premise is interesting. Good effort writer!

Max's dialogues seem too OTN. Other dialogues were good.

You don't have to write character relationships.

I liked the twist in the end even though it was predictable.

OK...

Well, as others have mentioned, the structure here is completely fucked up to the point where most of this makes no sense.

You need to have Slugs, so we know where we are in each scene.  The Slugs you do have are very poor and using the first and last names of everyone isn't the way to go in a short like this.  If last names come into play and/or help with clarity, that's great - use them - if not, no need.

This one needs a complete overhaul and personally, I'd just chalk it up as a learning experiment.

I liked your premise and how you reworked the story - that's the good news. The non-linear approach made it more difficult than it needed to be. It also would have been good to have a couple positive fortunes in the beginning to entice him to read more, kind of like a gambler that wins early and then loses. Always ensuring themselves that they'll win it all back. Otherwise he just starts with bad news and spirals further.

Definitely a valiant attempt but needs some work. Good job, writer.

Mmmm... my humble opinion, etc. Not bad, not bad at all, but the disjointed approach turned me off rather than drew me in. That said, the jumps back and forth didn't prove too fragmented for me to follow what was happening tho' maybe I'd follow better if it were on film. Each to their own, all I can give you is my reaction. Maybe a decent twist would swing me the other way, who knows?

If anything, I might amp up the creep-out factor. Nice effort... Hats off & GL with it.:)-A

I like the image of a guy surrounded by fortune paper slips. You have done an effective job of capturing madness.

This is a small point, but I like the names of your police officers: Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon.

It might be worthwhile to reconsider the back and forth structure--current time vs. two days ago, etc. Perhaps this is not the most efficient way to go.

I was a little confused by the end. Did his last slip of paper truly say that he will die, or did it say that he was going to brighten someone's day? Was he just imagining these bad fortunes? A bit of clarification might help.

I also think the officers should have a stronger reason for shooting Max. Being startled as he jumps through a window is a little strange.

Best of luck with this.

Another Shatner episode.

That opening paragraph. No, just no. You've introduced too many characters at once and it's all too wordy, massively overwritten.

Arthur says a mouthful. You might want to consider trimming it, as well.

The dialogue needs serious work all across the board. It doesn't seem natural at all.

Why is there a random end quote?

Quoted Text OVER BLACK: 4 DAYS AGO

That's not how it works.

Quoted Text OVER BLACK SUPER: 4 DAYS AGO

Gunther Toody? A character from Car 54, Where Are You? Also the name of a retro 50s diner my folks and I used to frequent.

OMG Francis Muldoon, as in Gunther Toody's partner (played by the late, great Herman Munster Fred Gwynne)?

How can we see any of this if the screen is black?

What the...?

The writing is poor and the structure is disjointed, but I feel you have a good story buried in this mess. Nothing several rewrites can't fix. Also, you should learn how to write a screenplay and how to use supers.

Congrats on entering, though.

Hello writer

I haven't read through the comments - but I'm sure the writing itself has been mentioned and improvements offered, so I won't pile on - but if you want my take on the writing just drop me a PM.

Quoted Text MAX Cool. Fortune cookies. I didn't even know you could buy bags of 'em. Sounds good.

I often talk to myself out loud like this when I go shopping!... I'm kidding, I don't... does any sane person? I often have conversations with myself when I am out alone, but it's in my head, so never understood why writer's, more often than not, have characters talk to themselves out loud - much more natural being in their head with a V.O if you ask me...
...but then again ask yourself if that dialogue is even necessary, doesn't look like it is to me.

Him talking to himself is painfully unneeded. a picture paints a thousand words:
he opens the cookie, we read the message, we see the headline, no need to say a word.

personally, I would triple-space before a new scene heading - I know double space is fine, but tiple makes the scene headers stand out more, creates more white space which is easier on the eye - your script feels overcrowded and hard to read.

The story is Ok - execution not so much. I would've focused more on the element of him knowing all these disasters are about to happen and feeling the burden of stopping/not stopping them, being able to only stop 1 at a time for example and choosing who lives and who doesn't... at the end, it fell more into kids campfire story for me.

All the best with it

Can your brain be tongue-tied? That logline is messing with me.

Feel like that open can be written better. Don’t tell us who those people are like that, it feels lazy. You can easily find out who they are and who’s house it is with a couple well placed lines of dialogue.

Whenever a character speaks to themselves, it reads terribly. A single “interested shrug” can probably make up for Max’s dialogue and not hurt the script.

I like the fortune cookie angle. not as fun as a devil machine, but i like it.

Characters talking to themselves is the dearth of a script 9x out of 10. Sorry, but this is so clunky.

"Gunther Toody"… that’s a choice.

There’s no need to cut back and forth between the past and present like this.

How many cookies come in this bag?!

Reads like amateur writing but there are some bright spots and i can tell there is talent coming. I absolutely love the last line. That’s a nice little flipperoo, to use a technical term.

Decent idea, but it needs work.

This felt like a newer writer, but it was still very captivating.

The dialogue was expository and usually unnecessary. For example, Max talking to himself while buying the cookies was odd. Arthur felt redundant to me as a character. I feel like all of his lines could have been Jonathon's and vice-versa. Instead of Max talking to himself, maybe he could have been hanging out with Arthur or on the phone with him etc.

I was really intrigued! I wanted to know what would happen next, good story-telling in my opinion.
I feel like with some rewrites this could even be a dark comedy. The "In Bed" fortune cookie joke comes to mind.