His Time Will Come by Stretch Armstrong - In order to ascend in the afterlife, a wronged soul is tasked with helping decide his killer's punishment.

Deaths-Head Revisited - S3E9
Time Out - TZTM
- Short, Dark Comedy

I dug this one, though I think it might go over some people's heads.

So, this is obviously a meta take on the whole incident on the set of John Landis's TZ: The Movie segment where actor Vic Morrow and those two kids were killed by a helicopter on set. I thought the concept was very, very clever. I especially enjoyed when Max (his famous screenwriter son) is born.

I will say that John is painted in a very bad light lol. I mean, after the incident he was in real life, even after he was found innocent after the trial (if I remember correctly). Not sure if this is a dark comedy, though, as described.

The writing was very solid in this one. My main issue is that people might not get it.

Nice job!

-- Michael

This is well-written, plays nicely into and with the tragedy...

But I'm not sure how I feel about it for that reason, some of it feels a bit too glib for me I guess.

Some of the exchanges with Vic were a little expositional, which they had to be to weave the various elements together but maybe could do with some trimming.

And ah Max, such promise!

Good effort despite my personal reservations.

I'm going to venture a guess and say that it's not HAMLET, but I had a good laugh. :) Fun and entertaining for sure. Well-written, carries the reader along effortlessly. That said, not sure I totally got this. Probably more so me than you. Good job overall.

Anywaz, hats off and GL with it. :)-A

Hi writer,

I won’t lie, I was lost for awhile here, but then remembered, vaguely, that their was a helicopter crash on the set of this TZ movie and some dude died… being only 14 at the time I heard that, that’s the gist of what I remember.

The theme, however, was to take an idea from the episode and rework that, this seemed to be a behind the scenes scenario of that. Okay, that being said, I see you may have based your story on the opening narration;

“You're about to meet an angry man: Mr. William Connor, who carries on his shoulder a chip the size of the national debt. This is a sour man, a lonely man, who's tired of waiting for the breaks that come to others, but never to him. Mr. William Connor, whose own blind hatred is about to catapult him into the darkest corner of The Twilight Zone”

Based on that, I think you did a bang-up job working a complex backstory into the narration, taking it farther that is. Writing is good IMO, and though it seemed to be all over the place with scene cuts et al… you found a way to tie it together as one coherent unit.

Woah Woah Woah... We were allowed to choose more than 1 episode? Smashing two episodes together might have been fun, not sure I had the time anyway

Sorry, I digress... hello writer

Well done for getting in an entry.

The writing is fine, I felt guided through and never got caught up on anything.

For someone who doesn't know what this is about, however, it felt like I was on the outside of an inside joke. I know what it's about now since I noticed Jamie Lee Curtis filming Trading Places, which led me to John Landis, which led me to, well, the story.

Looking back over the story now I know what it about makes it much much better. Still, it pushes out those readers who are not in the know, like me.

Best of luck with it

I didn't get this at all until I read the logline, reviewed the plots for the episodes it is based on and read the above comments. Then it clicked.

A script really needs to stand on its own without external resources to reference to understand it. Not one for me, but I'm glad others dug it.

-Mark

Quoted Text VIC Until I figure that out, your stuck with me... And the kids.

*you're stuck with me...

Overall, confusing for me. No complaints about the writing. It's just felt like all over the place.

Good luck.

I do not remember this episode, nor do I remember any on set helicopter crashes, so as far as any TZ connections go, I was lost. I was also a bit lost on the story to be honest. I do think this concept is gold though and if you tweak this to be more clear, I think it could definitely work.

I had no problem with the writing.

Okay, why am I the only one that finds this really weird? Don't get me wrong, the story's great. It's the use of real names of living people that were involved in a catastrophic event. I know it's classed as dark comedy but it seems so accusatory. Just me? IDK.

Writing-wise and story? No issues. Quite good!

It took a second read for me to recognize Vic as the late Vic Morrow and John as John Landis. This is certainly a meta approach to this challenge. A little risky on your part because that might not register with some readers.

I don't know anything about Max Landis, so I looked him up and saw that he has had some problems. This has probably caused some stress for his father.

Thank you for the history. That's what stands out the most.

Quoted from JEStaats Don't get me wrong, the story's great. It's the use of real names of living people that were involved in a catastrophic event. I know it's classed as dark comedy but it seems so accusatory. Just me? IDK.

You're not the only one. I'm inclined to somewhat agree here, but seeing as I made a similar comment on a different entry about a similar issue, I'll keep it brief.

The writing is pretty good. There's some talent here. Expect to hear from Landis' lawyers, Morrow's laywers, and the lawyers of the 2 Vietnamese families and budget for it if this ever gets made.

OK, so I "get it", but I doubt others will without a bunch of research, and IMO, that's not a good thing.

So, you went BIG here and I do appreciate that, but again, IMO, it's WAY TOO BIG and the way it reads, and the way it would look on film, leaves 95% of the audience wondering WTF is going on and why.

Don't include dates/etc. in Slugs.  They don't transfer to film.  If you need us to know the date/etc., you need a SUPER, simple as that.

I don't see this as comedy, dark or whatever, at all.  Vic Morrow and the 2 kids' death was a tragedy, and IMO, not something to make light of.

It's hard to really "judge" this because it's really nothing to do with either of the TZ episodes you chose, and I think 1 of them is based on another one anyway, so is it 3 episodes in 1?  I don't know and quite frankly, I don't care, because it's just too much work to really figure this all out.

Kudos for going big, but for me, this doesn't work.

Oof.
While the writing was technically proficient, the subject matter was a bit too much for me.

I have to agree with some of the previous commenters. I can't imagine anyone seriously casting two Vietnamese children to represent the actual kids who lost their lives.

This was a tough read for me, but it seems like other folks enjoyed it. I don't think I'm the right audience, best of luck!

i knew all along it was kinda mean spirited and borderline messed up. The whole thing was supposed to land on the punchline that this guy's ultimate punishment was that he'd have Max Landis as a son. i thought more people would pick up on that on a  screenwriting site, but i understand the critiques.

also absolutely hate the Vic exposition that i cheaply broke up with elipses like it was some stream of conscious blurting to save space. i tried to hard to just keep hammering home who these characters were without givig their last name... but i guess if anyone picked up on the "meta" aspect of it, they knew almost immediately who each of them were.

the episode i looooooooosely used hence Stretch Armstrong) as inspiration was about a SS guard being tormented by his victims' ghosts at a concentration camp, so i guess i didn't think crossing lines was a big deal. that was what the movie segment was loosely based on too, so i figured i had to go that route.

For the record i did some quick research and while Landis probably was remorseful, he still didn't exactly have a sterling reputation, and the accident was on account of him being about as reckless as a director could possibly be. so while i may have besmirched his name, i thought ultimate comeuppance wasn't too bad... depending on what you think of ol' Max.

HAHAHA! That's funny about Max. I was wondering which direction you were going with that ending. I had this nailed from the beginning and maybe that's why it felt weird reading it. Good one.

and just for the record, despite him being a super annoying hyperactive jackass, i actually enjoyed Max Landis's writing and pitches prior to all the dirtbag #metoo allegations. dude was nuts but he had some great ideas. i wish i had 1% of the work ethic (... work ethic) that he had.