"On The Fence" comedy - first 10

Posted by: AlsoBen, November 5th, 2020, 12:12am

OK, I do this a lot - but I promise I am always working on a bunch of scripts simultaneously.

I came up with this premise today and banged (bung?) out these pages.

The logline is basically: "A flustered married woman with kids crushes hard on a mysterious and impulsive younger woman - with hilarious consequences". I haven't figured out the hilarious consequences yet.

Link is here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/kv5l7fajngdyee2/_ON%20THE%20FENCE_%20%282%29.pdf?dl=0

Lemme know what you think.

Posted by: ABennettWriter, November 5th, 2020, 11:52am; Reply: 1

I really liked it. I posted this on DropBox, but Fiona is giving me major Nancy Botwin vibes. Not sure if it was on purpose, but I love Weeds so whatever. I can totally see Mary Louise Parker in the role.

I wouldn't really fix anything at this point. You know your characters. The dialogue is good. Just keep working on it.

Posted by: AlsoBen, November 5th, 2020, 3:22pm; Reply: 2

Yeah, she does read that way. In my mind she's a little less self-consciously funny. Thanks for reading.

I have no idea where to go in terms of the promised hilarious complications - obviously a relationship between Rashida and Fiona but beyond that I have no clue. Any ideas/thoughts?

Posted by: ABennettWriter, November 5th, 2020, 4:34pm; Reply: 3

I guess it depends on where you want it to go. Is it an innocent girl crush or a serious "I'm considering leaving my husband and kids to be with this woman" crush?

Is Rashida in a relationship? Polyamorous with a husband but likes to date chicks and everything is open?

How do you see it ending? You can always come up with complications but you need to know how it's going to end.

Posted by: AlsoBen, November 5th, 2020, 5:18pm; Reply: 4

I guess the conflict is whether she actually wants to change her life (which is presented to be underwhelming at best) and be with Rashida (who is gay) or just have a fling. But my intention is to show that Rashida isn’t some perfect manic-pixie dream girl either and is someone with real flaws. I’m just not sure that’s enough conflict for a premise. Like I think it needs a caper of some sort, like her husband being on his toes about it

Posted by: Roger77, July 14th, 2022, 8:18pm; Reply: 5

Just a thought. Maybe change the young women to a young man. It may be received better by more people. And opens up a few possibilities..

The young man meets her daughters, which are pretty cute, and could be close to dating range of him. The daughters start like him, suddenly the Mom and daughters are competing with each other. Maybe that's the hilarious consequence :P

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