Don't Break The Rules by Nolan Bryand - Comedy - When one of them breaks a sacred killing rule, a group of serial killer roommates try to hide their blunder from the pushy porcelain doll who set the rules while their intended victims suddenly become their hunters. 96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this up, Don.  

If anyone wants to do a script exchange, please let me know.  

Nolan

Hi Nolan,
I really think you need to rewrite the logline because it really doesn’t tell us what your script is about. You have a really strong concept which I think would actually draw a lot of readers in if only they knew.
I read the first 20 and your writing is on point.

It’s not easy writing these mockumentaries but the script is clear and efficient. You have a lot of characters to introduce but it didn’t feel overwhelming. I would suggest you include a few more visual reminders of who everyone is. It’s pretty ease to remember that Bongo is the clown but I would forget what kinds of killers Mason and Sebastian were because the names are generic. It might help if you briefly remind us of the characters unique look when we meet up with them again. Not a big deal but it might help the reader keep track of everyone.

I laughed a few times and I like how you play around with the horror tropes, like when they kill their victims and then explain that there’s no need to chase them because they always do the same thing. Funny stuff.

My only real complaint is that it’s basically What We Do In The Shadows but with killers…

Hey Sam,

Thank you for the comment and for the read.  You confirmed my suspicion of the logline.  I had something a little more descriptive at one time, but thought this one would suffice.  I was wrong!  

What We Do In The Shadows was certainly a major influence for this.  I had another mockumentary on the works but shifted focus after reading something by Taika Waititi where he said if you're going to make a mocumentary, go all out in terms of absurdity.  So it brought me to this.  I obviously borrowed the whole roommate shtick, but that's about it.  But, I could be wrong on that as well.  

Thanks again!

Nolan