Barry - page 1 review.
First - what program are you using - the spacing seems slightly off - like too much space between dialogues - too much space between headers - who knows, maybe it's fine and my eye sight is failing me.
Quoted Text EXT. NEW YORK - CENTRAL - DAY |
Be more specific here and save yourself some space in the descriptive block. First, there is no such thing is NEW YORK CENTRAL - and - if you go with BUS STOP - you don't have to describe it again.
e.g.,
EXT. NEW YORK - FIFTH STREET - BUS STOP - DAY
Quoted Text Busy street side bus stop. People orderly standing, waiting
for the next bus.
|
All bus stops are on the side of the street - no need to mention that.
People orderly standing - is not a correct sentence
So, with the new header - try:
EXT. NEW YORK - FIFTH STREET - BUS STOP - DAY
A dozen PEOPLE crowd together waiting for the bus.
Quoted Text BRIAN
Change. Small change... Mr. A
dollar to spare.
|
Not sure this is grammatically correct. And the Mr. isn't placed in the right spot. But, since there are men and women there why even use Mr? Should be a ? after spare. e.g.,
BRIAN
Change. Small change... Anyone with a
dollar to spare?
Quoted Text Amongst the crowd is MARY-ANN JANEWAY, 50s. Her
fifteen-year-old son, STEVEN by her side. She gives Brian
some small change.
|
A little awkward. I always find it clearer to put the character first. e.g.,
MARY-ANN JANEWAY (50) and her son STEVEN (15) are in
the crowd. Mary-Ann offers Brian some coins.
You do this a lot - the ... Not needed. Just Mom! will do.
Quoted Text BRIAN
Sorry, mister...
|
Again - the ... no needed. Really save it for instances where someone is trailing off - lost in thought - not completing a sentence/thought.
This:
Quoted Text The man pushes him - into the street - an oncoming bus. |
Is poor sentence structure. Also, when you label a character (Brian) why in the world revert to man? S/B
Brian shoves Steven into the street. A bus is barreling towards him.
Quoted Text Mary-Ann instinctively reacts, grabbing him, pulling him
back onto the pavement. With this, she falls into the street
- bus hits her - bus skids to a halt - Mary-Ann laying
facedown on the road, a pool of blood forms around her
head...
|
Again - poor sentence structure and you don't need to describe how she is acting (instinctively) - just the action. Something like:
Mary-Ann grabs Steven, pulls him back onto the pavement. As she reaches the curb, she stumbles and falls back into the street.
The bus slams into her. Mary-Ann hits the pavement. A pool of blood oozes from her head.
Quoted Text Brian lays unconscious on the pavement with a deep gash to
his forehead. He had hit the curb HARD.
|
I wasn't exactly clear on how this happened. At no point during the set-up to you have Brian being pushed, falling or otherwise hitting the ground.
Quoted Text INT. NEW YORK - HOSPITAL - DAY
INSERT: 5 DAYS LATER.
Brian, bandage wrapped around his head, sitting on a bed in
a hospital blue gown. A MAN in a cheap suit stands before |
1) it should be a SUPER and not an INSERT
2) It needs to go after some action/description - i.e., you are putting this over something.
like this:
INT. NEW YORK - HOSPITAL - DAY
Brian, bandage wrapped around his head, sitting on a bed in
a hospital blue gown. A MAN in a cheap suit stands before
SUPER: FIVE DAYS LATER
Also - it's not hospital blue gown. It is a blue hospital gown. Adjective before the noun.
I did read the entire story - you have errors/issues like this throughout. That being said, I do like the premise and the character arc for Brian. It shows that redemption is never too late and is often achieved by the unlikeliest of characters. So I think there is something here. But it needs to be done correctly.