Grandma's Nutcracker by Clara - Some family keepsake's are better left in storage.  Short, Comedy

The writing is not as active as it could be in quite a few places.

Writing aside, I liked the opening set-up and the story concerning Grandpa. There's comedy here in the tone and setting. A chuckle too after the main event and the parents are seen leaving the house. Also, the kids believing the beardy fella has arrived. Then the Vicodin scene. So, the provided chuckles place this in the 'all right' category for me. The story doesn't hit as well as the chuckles, but it's a case of the good outweighing the bad here, nice work.

I prefer more active writing.

e.g., This:

Quoted Text Sitting in the rocker is GRANDMA, 82, sweet, angelic face. In her lap is LARRY, 6, big eyes, listening intently.

Reads better as:

GRANDMA (82),  sweet, angelic face……

Quoted Text A MONTAGE of shots -- Twinkling lights on the tree -- A halfeaten plate of cookies, and milk.

Not sure you need a montage here.

And………….

Boy did that take a turn south (pun intended).

Yeah… some will enjoy – but not at all for me.  Just going from an enchanted ornament to something up the arse doesn’t quite get it for me.  I didn’t enjoy the turn.

Last not: the first third seems really disconnected from the remaining 2/3rds - like it's only purpose was to talk about enchantment - but really had nothing to do with the core of the story.

Hey writer!

Wow, well, we went there. So technically with the active stuff and...yeah, don’t really mind that much. The comedy was there, especially in the scene cuts and crossover action bleeding into each other.

The subject matter? Jesus Christ. I laughed, you got some laughs out of me, but that’s because I’m a sick puppy and watch too much South Park. This really will wind some folk up, I’m not sure if it was particularly enchanted, merely grandma mentioned it was, but it was funny for me. Also the detail that went into gobbling onto things and other bits, very detailed.

I’ll see what mood I’m in come marking time, wasn’t bad and wasn’t a winner (in my book obvs).

Cam

P.S. Brought to you by very old Placebo, who have no doubt themselves partaken in some of the written activities

Second script on the trot with a sweary Grandma, is that a thing now?

Okay, so sex comedy... fine if a little tonally disjointed.

But, and this is just imho... a married couple with a 13 year old experimenting with anal, who have a dildo and lube in their bedside table, sorry don't buy it... or that he'd mistake the nutcracker for a dildo, even in the dark.

Raised a smile but not a laugh.

Decent effort

A pretentious pile of poop!! ha ha! Just kidding. ;D

Yummy, a sex comedy. Right up my alley.  We may not write in this genre, but I do read and watch it. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to write a comedy, then damn it, it's gotta be flat out funny. Not this weak in the knee stuff that barely elicits a chuckle.

Look, it's not HAMLET, but I cannot remember the last time when a script got me laughing out loud.

The Grandpa angle was cool, but the overall story -- not quite sure how I really feel about it. Maybe I'll give it a second pass. Best of Irish lick.- ;D

Hmm, clichés galore.

I hear Betty White still takes small parts?

Not really my thing this one.

I probably shouldn't be dissecting it, but...
She flips on her back, turns seductively. ?
That's all I'll say, I think.

No big writing gaffs stood out.
Unique utilisation of a not so enchanted ornament.  Parameter met.

Hi writer,

OK, I did seriously LMFAO to the point of it turning into a cough-hack where I had to take a few hauls off a bottle of beer to recuperate… that was awhile ago, if I read to the end it’ll probably be the same… I think I know who this.

OK, I did read it to the end; kind of a stank moment there… poor kid doesn’t get it … yet. Probably best he don't.

Fuck me, that scene is on par with that crazy ‘Bad Santa’ trilogy.

This one didn't really work for me. Not because of the genre you chose, sex comedy? More so because it was so obvious where this was headed. This thing could have potential but needs better set-ups and pay-offs to work, IMHO.

Writing-wise it was a breeze.

PS: Since you went the yuck way with a smelly part in the end, you should've gone all the way and somehow revealed, in the end, that Grandma was a frequent user of this nutcracker as well...

This made me laugh out loud, for real, which is rare when I'm reading comedy. Superb adult comedy scenes. As a story though, it didn't quite work as much.

The nutcracker didn't seem enchanted at all and Grandma's story seemed to be just to get the item into the scene to setup mistaking it for a dildo. But boy, did it make me laugh. Bravo for having the nut(cracker)s to write such a script!

-Mark

I really want to like this.  I really should like this, based on the subject matter.

Writing is fine, it reads well.  It is funny, but...

...I'm not sure, but maybe it involved Christmas, and for me, this kind of sex comedy doesn't go hand in hand with Christmas.

Or, maybe it's that everything is so telegraphed that it loses impact when it hits.

It's a different take, and I'll say it meets the parameters of the challenge, and it's probably even memorable.

**1/2

I came up with a nutcracker story but it was... nothing like this. Pretty creative sex comedy though.

Oh boy, oh boy... this had potential but turned out to be a real stinker. How it progressed from a well-lubed (and hocked on) dildo to a rough-hewn (probably) wooden nut cracker of unknown magnitude, is beyond me. And I'm thinking Larry never got his shot because Charlotte was still on a fence (post) and wanted to up the scale? Just being anal and trying to reason the logic. Sigh. Ass jokes.

Valiant attempt, I will give you that. Thanks for the entry, writer.

Hello writer.

The title makes me anxious about what I am going to read.

Quoted Text GRANDMA Yeah. Big fuckin’ twister.

Potty mouth Grandma lol

Quoted Text GRANDMA Oh, some of him was on the highway. Some in the crick down yonder. Other parts would show up from time-to-time.

I like Grandma.

Quoted Text SUPER: CHRISTMAS EVE, PRESENT DAY

Wait. I wasn't in the present day. Should we not have a SUPER to begin with to tell us this info?

Well, this descended into smut...

Alright, you went there. No Christmas joy for me. Not my kind of humour, can't say I found it particularly funny but I did like the straight-talking Grandma.

Who keeps a nutcracker in the dildo drawer?... wierd

Happy holidays to you

I really liked Grandma's dialogue/story on page one. Really sharp and funny.

Most short scripts are forgotten a few days or weeks after reading. This one is memorable, of course.

I wonder what filmmakers will think. Best of luck.

Writer,

Haha. Interesting take on the challenge. I mean, who doesn’t decide to try anal for the first time on Christmas Eve? Most of your jokes landed, so good on that. Easy enough to follow along. Just that the ending didn’t tie things up as well as it could have. Another pass at this, with an alternate ending might serve you well. Good effort.

Steve