All I Want for Christmas is My... by Sister Susie sitting on a thistle - A  pretty standard Christmas, Mom and Dad fight while Grandma cusses like a sailor.  Short, Dark Comedy

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

I remember my Dad would gleefully sing this song at Christmas whilst actually missing his two front teeth. He's dead now, so thanks for the memory.

Why did you decide to end your first action line with an orphan? You didn't have to. You describe an SUV as being family-sized... aren't they all? Then you go on to explain the large family inside. Slightly annoying.

I do appreciate the depth of vocabulary on display.

Not a fan of the gratuitous profanity. Old people swearing has been done to death comedy-wise. It takes something more to get a laugh out of it these days.

If you left out the FADE IN, FADE OUT, and the unnecessary orphans, you would have made the 6-page count. The set-up takes 4 pages due to trying to sell profanity as comedy. The mother played with the ornament as a kid, yet never thought to unscrew the head and look inside. The story is weak, but the writing could be great with an edit or two. Going over the page count disqualifies this for me, especially as there was just no need for it.

Got a few laughs - that's nice.

Writing was fine.

Enchanted Ornament - not sure that quite fits enchanted. It was an ordinary one stuffed with something....

Why go to 7 pages???  - not at all needed and an easy fix.

Thought you captured the agony of out of control kids quite well (have raised some my self)

I think you played Grandma wrong - rather than a swearing, crude person - a sweet, kind gentle lady would have set your twist up so much better

PS - I really liked your twist

Alright Sister Susie!

Well, 7 pages and rambletastic dialogue?? It’s such a shame as I though it was a charming wee script, just remove a few lines and you’ve met the page count!! Argh!

I don’t mind sweary grandmas, quite like them actually, got an awful lot of them around glasgow believe it or not. The story was nice, it had a fast tempo to it and was pretty easy to follow. Strip some of the dialogue out would be my suggestion, but the twist was top drawer and I really enjoyed it.

Good work!

Cam

P.S. review was brought to you with the aid of DJ Shadow, didn’t really fit but the pacing seemed to be a match

Picky but shouldn't the boys be BOYS when first introduced, or why not just name them as you do later?

Anyway, hmm... this sets up a punch line effectively and I liked it... but the middle bit 'laying pipe' etc just didn't sit right... the innuendos didn't seem to fit Mom BUT they were actually needed for the punchline.

So not sure about that bit, or if the ornament was enchanted, and hitting 6 pages would have been easy.

But, well written.

Writer,

I kinda liked this. You went over the top, especially when it came to mom, not grandma, getting in on the double speak act. Too much, IMO. However, it was a fun little tale, kind of all over the place and disjointed. Could use more focus. Still, it was fun.

Steve

I thought the plot going every which way was kinda the charm with this.

A sorta' hybrid of Malcolm in the Middle and The Fockers - which I'm not a huge fan of btw, but you did well with this and I could picture the craziness of the boys and just the madcap antics in general.

I could have done without the last line, ironically that's on p.7.Should have just left her cracking a smile.
I'm not a fan of sweary old characters for the sake of humour but I think you did a really good job choreographing this and I had more than a few chuckles.

I loved Mum's euphemisms - laying pipe.  ;D

In the end you tied it all together cleverly too.
Really well done.

Hello writer

At 7 pages it's an automatic DQ from me - Looks like you might have made some last-minute adjustments and hadn't noticed the last dialogue dropped to the 7th page?

As I'm pushed for time, I will read the other entries first, if I get time at the end I will actually read and comment - I know you are eager for my opinion  ;D

Wait, 6.2 pages, right? That was intentional, wasn't it? I mean, you had to try and go over the page limit, didn't you? Here's a little trick for you if you're a Yank: If you find yourself just over the page limit, change your paper setting to A4. Works every time ;)

Oh boy. Yes, you got a couple good laughs from and it was definitely dark humor. Good job, thanks for that.

You missed the page limit, so it's a DQ, and I'm not going to read the entire script, but just glancing through, I see numerous orphans that would be so easy to do away with.

Peeps don't like hearing about orphans, but this script is a perfect example of why they can be such a problem.

ZERO STARS - DQ

Well, that was certainly dark -- and it made me laugh. Really enjoyed the dialogue, especially with Mom unknowingly using sexual innuendos and Dad trying to correct her lol.

The actually writing though is a bit lackluster, a lot of mistakes here. Looks like this was super rushed -- I'm guessing it was. I'd introduce the boys by their names right away. And nobody's really given any character description.

I'm probably nitpicking -- this is more of a personal thing -- I don't mind seeing orphans here and there in a script, but opening with a one-word orphan in the opening paragraph isn't a great start. Again, I'm nitpicking, but I'm sure you could have probably used one line instead of having one word take up another. And you went past the 6 page limit -- there's just one bit of dialogue that takes this to 7 pages. This could have easily been avoided, probably by limiting your orphans, condensing your action description. Even if you added character descriptions, this still could have been easily 6 pages.

Also, you introduce Vanessa without capitalizing her name. And you describe her as a hospice nurse, yet they're at Grandma's house. Wouldn't a hospice nurse be at a hospice? I could be wrong.

Regardless of the writing mistakes, I still enjoyed this due to the dialogue and the dark little twist. Very nice work on making me laugh! I really did enjoy this enough to look past the rushed writing.

-- Michael

Great payoff/twist at the end and some good characterisation. The rest of it is a bit all over the place with a lot of the action/dialogue there just to inform the audience rather than flow naturally. The opening scene in the SUV, for example, serves no purpose to the story except to introduce everyone and tell the audience what they need to know about Grandma.

It may seem I'm being picky but honestly, if you'd started with them meeting grandma the story would be exactly the same. This helps you identify scenes that are not working.

I didn't see any enchanted object and you went over the page limit, probably by accident.  

Thanks for the read, despite my nitpicks I did enjoy it.

-Mark

Bryson, Lawson, and Hunter are great names for annoying sons. Good choices.

The ending definitely works. Don't mess with Grandma.

This is funny, but on some level we have seen this before--exasperated parents and a foul-mouthed senior citizen. Maybe Grandma has a moment of clarity at some point.

Ok, don't ask me why, but I kinda liked this. Heck, it opens with three rambunctious boys so my liking it was practically guaranteed. The ending was its saving grace. But this really feels like a straight comedy, almost the outrageous kind,  in-your-face situations with the "inappropriate" sort of humor-- which can be just as funny, but methinks it's not that "dark" b/c it lacks that sharp cynical angle. The story... the presentation needs to be more focused.  My thoughts, may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery. So feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll. :) Best of Irish luck!-ghostie girl.