Remember, Remember the 5th of December by Someone Else - In medieval Norway, a young boy just has to be good for one more day.  Short, Horror

This is really well written and the action intensified at a great pace. You set the scene really well and I had a clear image of the cabin and the characters.

I’m sure if it was filmed it would scare the hell out of children which is the true spirit of Christmas.
Solid entry.

Bloody hell, that was bleak.

I want to know what Oska did to deserve this!
You do write that he's an 'innocent' on the one hand, well you imply it, but then this:

OSKA
It was an accident. I didn't mean it.

I think I'd need to know more before I'm going to rally behind the punishment fitting the crime.

It's well written, you evoked a great atmosphere, location and traditions. Your action and description lines were lovely and you built some great suspense with him trying to retrieve St Nicholas from the flames.

I'm just not sold on grim for grim's sake, and it all ends badly with no redemption and no fair fightback.
That's horror for you, I suppose.

It's personal preference storywise but unless the kid deserved his comeuppance... which you really didn't depict then I'm not sure of the marketable value of the story.

As a moral cautionary tale for all kids to be good or Santa won't come I think this was a bit heavy-handed.

Like I said though, well written, no complaints there.

Writer,

You get good marks for a well written story, though it's rather formulaic. I know page count was tight, but I think the story could have benefitted from another twist. Perhaps the mother had something up her sleeve to combat the evil of Krampus or something like that. Just me spit balling really. It's fine and visually pleasing either way, just felt it needed more.

Steve

Alright Someone Else? Sure, why not...

I’m really sorry, I was laughing away there for a bit over the St Nicholas figure back and forward (sort of reminded me when Frank Drebbin breaks into Hapsburg’s house in the Naked Gun and was trying to save the impossible disaster), and then really lost it at the Krampus dialogue that seemed akin to an overly aggressive Pokemon. Hmm, Krampokemon, I choose you!! That’ll guaranteed just be me though, so feel free to completely ignore those comments.

It was well enough written, a bit by the book for a horror. The relationship between kid and mum was actually quite tender and believable, really liked that, a nice bit of subtle foreshadowing, then it just sort of went mad.

Technically it was also decent, but in your slugs you don’t need to constantly mention the “rustic log cabin” as this was cemented in the opening descriptions.

Anyway, not really for me sadly, but it was a technically good script with a decent enough horror story.

Well done on the entry,

Cam

P.S. brought to you by classic electro beats from Erasure of all people, maybe that was what drove the crappy review.

P.P.S. Sorry if the above reads as churlish, you do obviously know how to write a script and have a talent, it just wasn’t for me I guess.

Remember, Remember... British writer? I guess anyone who has watched V for Vendetta would know the rhyme.

Anyway

Hello Writer.

A horror? This isn't going to get me in the Christmas spirit lol

I have dropped hot wax on me before, it doesn't hurt - not enough to scream.

I've always found the idea of Santa creepy (telling kids he's always watching) and this takes that to the next level for poor little Oska.

It's well written and creates great imagery but the path of the story was laid out from the beginning and it followed that exact path... in other words, there were no twists, turns or surprises and we saw what was going to happen from the onset. The Krampus dialogue felt a bit corny.

Well done for getting an entry done!

Happy Holidays (Hopefully Krampus doesn't visit you  :) )

This is an effectively scary short script. High marks.

First of all, I love the term "Krampusnacht" Is that a real word?

It's interesting that the boy is done in by a mistake. Usually, in scripts like this, the kid does something sneaky or devious and deserves what he or she gets. In your scenario, we feel truly sorry for the child. It was a mistake that could have happened to any of us.

The image of the rapidly burning St. Nicholas would be an interesting one on film.

Sharp writing.

One small point--there might be some punctuation issues with the dialogue on the bottom of the first page. There are capital letters on the second line, but there are no periods before it. Something to check out.

This is the third script that I have randomly selected to read, and it is the third Christmas horror. Wow, the gloominess of 2020 is really rubbing off on everyone.

Poor Oska. Krampus or not, when I was a kid there was no way in hell I'd get out of bed Christmas Eve night. Damn glad I hadn't heard of Krampus when I was young.

Very similar to another entry. I expected to read a few entries the were 'Elf on a Shelf-ish' but I'm so glad you took this approach. Good touch having him swept away.

Nicely done. It was a good read, writer.

Well written. No complaints there at all.

Met the parameters.

The ending seemed abrupt to me.

I'm not a fan of horror - but I could certainly see why horror fans would like this.

Nice job.

No FADE IN or FADE OUT?  You Rebel!

Slugs - Use a "-" instead of a comma, when going from bigger to smaller in detail.

Hmmm...

In many places, the writing is quite good, maybe even very good, then in others, not so much.

I think there are several issues here, and the first is such an easy fix.  Set your scenes properly.  IMO, you need a SUPER early on, so we know where we are, and if this is "modern" times or back in the day.  Also, when you start and stay INT, no one gets a sense of where we are, exactly.  When I read, "rustic log cabin, I don't picture a 2 story home with multiple bedrooms upstairs.  I also can't picture how remote this cabin is.

The scene with Oska holding the figurine, and somehow dropping it into the fire doesn't really make sense, as the fire is not open at the top, only in front, so it doesn't seem very possible the figurine could be "dropped" into this fire.

Having Krampus speak is a big mistake, IMO.  This comes off cheesily enough on the written page, but on film, I imagine it may be humorous.

Finally, it ends with a whimper and there's very little conflict.

Finally, finally, I don't see where the title comes into play at all.  Did I miss something?

It's not bad.  It could be very good.  It's one I would stick with and rewrite, as it has possibilities for sure.

***

Well written, easy to follow, also easy to see where this was heading. There were no twists or turns, we expected Krampus would turn up and he did.

The kid wasn't bad at all, he made an honest mistake. If Krampus turned up and took every kid that made a mistake, there wouldn't be any kids left in the world. It seems especially harsh but the world is a harsh place I suppose.  

At the end I felt empty. It would have liked to have seen Mama turn up and battle Krampus for the child, maybe sacrifice herself.

Anyway, a very decent effort it was just unfulfilling for me.

-Mark

Hmm...I'm certainly not an expert in the business, but I'm part of the public so I'll give my view on it as an audience member.

Um, just cuz it's a short doesn't mean you can short-change on the story. If you go back and re-write this try and figure out how to give the ending a bit more of a twist/punch. Don't want it to just peter out. ;D   No major hiccups with it.

At any rate, just my hack 2 cents. A very fine entry. Best of Irish luck!-ghostie girl

Quoted from eldave1 I'm not a fan of horror - but I could certainly see why horror fans would like this. Nice job.

Agreed!

Really good stuff, the action was impeccable.

It does kinda share a similar problem with some other scripts. I feel like the “time” doesn’t exactly fit the “crime.” It does work a bit better in this context. (Maybe the whole "Krampus = demon" thing helps?) :P

Top three for me~

Oh man

Written exceptionally well and evocative of an array of feelings but man why?
Punishing an innocent child who’s been good... I don’t know about that.

Mother knew? Maybe she needs to check Oskas room first.

You kept me on my toes tho and I’m thinking you just didn’t have enough pages to show Oska’s safe return from Krampusland
Or maybe Oska has to wake up again.
And did he get the slay as he wanted? Oh I almost forgot he didn’t live long enough to see that day

Hey all thanks for the comments, appreciated as always!

To answer a few questions...

Punishment not fitting the crime - Krampus is the devil/demon, he doesn't really care if it's an accident as he just looking for a an excuse to kidnap children.

Lack of a twist - yep, agreed, initial draft had Oska accidentally kill his Mum with the poker when he hears her descending the stairs and thinks it's Krampus coming for him... that version nearly got submitted BUT it was pretty damn dark and felt even less Christmassy than this version.

Title - a reference to a UK rhyme about the Gunpowder/Guy Fawkes plot that happened on 5th November, just a play on words really.

Now it's not OWC or Christmas restricted I think I'll re-write the Matricide version ;-)