Roadkill by Sean Elwood & Zack Akers (Story by Zack Akers) - Horror - Trapped in a camper, three friends and a mysterious stranger must fend off a vicious beast that is dead set on tearing them to shreds and collecting what's left. 86 pages. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I thought I would check this out since it's so close to our Jan -21 Project, but I get an error message.

;D You and me both!

It's working, now.

Don

Thanks, Don!

Thanks for getting this up, Don. We've got a poster for this as well. How can we get it up here?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this, Pia. :)

I can't speak for Sean, but I had a blast writing this. Really proud of what we were able to put together. :)

Quoted from Zack Thanks for getting this up, Don. We've got a poster for this as well. How can we get it up here? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this, Pia. :) I can't speak for Sean, but I had a blast writing this. Really proud of what we were able to put together. :)

Send the poster over!

- Don

Quoted from Zack I can't speak for Sean, but I had a blast writing this. Really proud of what we were able to put together. :)

I had just as much fun writing this with ya. We worked on this for the past few months and are excited to hear what you guys think. We know it could still use some work, but we want to get opinions of other writers to see how we can make it better. Thanks in advance for reading.

Sean

It goes without saying... But I will happily return the favor for anyone who reads and reviews this script. :) Could use some advice on how to punch this up a bit with the next draft.

Bumping this for you, cause from what I've read so far, it's darned good, Zack.

Thanks for the bump and the kind words, Libby. :)  Really hope you enjoy the rest of it. Is there anything I can read for you in return?

Page 86.  ;D


SPOILERS FOLLOW:



Zack (and Sean,) I see lots of influences here: Jeepers Creepers, The Thing, even Wolf Creek towards the ending, but that's a good thing - I loved your mythical Monster/creature. Well, some thought it myth...

A fast action packed read.
Very few typos.
Some terrific humour, droll in parts, and just plain funny in others.

I did think the vehicle perched on the side of the cliff was a little bit forgotten now and then, thought they were going to have to be forced to the other vehicle and the one they were in was going to go off the cliff faster.


Maybe another synonym for crevasse?

I didn't like Troy dying but that's the romantic sook in me.
Slashers always equal taken out one by one, but it still gets me every time!

Die in here, or die out there - make the choice. It made sense up to a point.

I wouldn't dare go out there after seeing Bud's decapitated head thrown at me - that seemed like certain death after Skeet claiming he was not a killer. Putting Amber's life on the line was great, but did it need a bit more strengthening?

I did a quick read so don't take too much of any criticism as gospel. The old couple copping it was good, if a little predictable, but that was kinda half of the fun too.

The humour interspersed was terrific. I loved the Hiroshima firecracker..
And like every good villain/monster he wasn't easily killed, and comes back to fight another day

These are just comments on the fly, cause my mind is on other things, as you know.  ;)

Will try to follow up a bit more precisely when other Jan 21 project stuff is out of the way.
But, overall, terrific stuff, guys.

Loved the closing shot.

"Zack (and Sean,) I see lots of influences here: Jeepers Creepers, The Thing, even Wolf Creek towards the ending, but that's a good thing - I loved your mythical Monster/creature. Well, some thought it myth..."

When we first started this project, the creature was intended to be a sort of Wendigo. Eventually, it evolved into a new tree-like monster. Lol.

"I did think the vehicle perched on the side of the cliff was a little bit forgotten now and then, thought they were going to have to be forced to the other vehicle and the one they were in was going to go off the cliff faster."

Any suggestions on how we could make the vehicle on the side of the cliff more prevalent to the plot?

"I wouldn't dare go out there after seeing Bud's decapitated head thrown at me - that seemed like certain death after Skeet claiming he was not a killer. Putting Amber's life on the line was great, but did it need a bit more strengthening?"

Agree that there needs to be a more believable reason for our characters to even consider stepping out from the safety of the RV. Guess that solves my question above. Lol.

"The humour interspersed was terrific. I loved the Hiroshima firecracker.."

Glad the humor landed so well with you. It's usually hit-or-miss in horror flicks. Definitely a tricky thing to balance.

"Loved the closing shot."

Thanks. ;D

Thanks a ton for reading through this, Libby. I'm very relieved that you enjoyed it. Please let me know if I can read anything for you in return. :)

And thank you, Don, for getting the poster up. As usual, Sean did a fantastic job making it. :)

Zack, the premise of them needing to go out there is crucial.
I think it comes down they need to get out there to save their own skins, not just cause he wants his bag of loot.
Perhaps the gun or other weapon ends up out there somehow?

Agree that there needs to be a more believable reason for our characters to even consider stepping out from the safety of the RV. Guess that solves my question above. Lol.

The gun at Amber's head is pretty compelling but would he shoot her at this point?
The others don't give a feck about the money.  Money or your life - no contest.
It all works pretty well but Amber can easily stand up to him and say - you said you're not a killer, and bravely stand her ground.

I'll read it again and see if any other suggestions come to mind.

Oh, and I was reminded of the tree-monster in A Monster Calls - visually, I mean, crossed with the Jeepers Creepers Monster.

And, came across this one:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050414/

That last one is purely for laughs.

Love the poster, Sean!

Zack/Sean:

Had some time over coffee this morning so thought I would give the first 30 a read.

First, tt’s a breeze of a read. Nicely paced. Crisp solid wiring - I can see this is something getting made. So - they were a lot of things I liked. I am only going to comment on things I think need improvement or clarity.

In the opening, there are a couple of spots where Troy and Wes sound like lifetime friends and a couple of spots where it sounds like they met just a few days ago.

Wes doesn’t know that Troy calls his camper Shirley. Doesn’t seem to know the name of Troy’s ex.  BUT - Troy knows Wes well enough to invite him on a camping trip. Have him participate in his engagement.

So I was kind of lost – are they lifetime friends or did they just meet?

Quoted Text AMBER Troy, I love the idea of you taking us all the way out here, but I checked the forecast. This storm is supposed to be a bad one

Too much exposition. And it should be more of a surprise  – an unexpected storm or otherwise why would they go camping?? Something like:

AMBER
I just checked the forecast. The storm’s turned our way.

TROY
That's impossible. It was headed due west. Double check.

THUNDER in the distance


Something like that - the point being - the storm should be a surprise - a big powerful one that was supposed to miss them by miles taking ominous turns towards them.

Quoted Text AMBER I can't believe I'm related to you.

Related?

The VHS tape security camera is about 20 years old in terms of technology and i
it’s a tired trope anyway – I would just nuke the camera thing altogether – not really needed.

PAGE 28 – the dialogue between REDFIELD and O CONNER was way to exposition-laden IMO.  They are sharing information which each other regarding this urban legend that they already know and would have shared before – I think you need this information in the story – but I think you need a more creative way to introduce it.  A thought – you kind of waste the teenage girls that visit the store earlier – why not have them ask the boy (the one manning the store counter) about it – you know – is it true what they say….. In other words - let them intro the urban legend idea.

Anyway - IMO - this is going to be a winner - I hate the genre, but found the read easy - so for those who like the genre - this should be spot on.

Gave this a read this morning, got through it in one sitting. Really quick read that ticks all the standard horror tropes.

I enjoyed it for what it was and it would be something I'd watch.

SPOILERS

The issue, which I assume both writer's know, is that there is nothing really new here. As Libby said, this draws inspiration from horrors that have come before it. The film I thought of quite early in the script was Splinter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter_(2008_film):

A young couple going on a camping trip run into some criminals and face down a monster that kinda absorbs people. The criminal sacrifices himself for the good guys.

It's pretty standard for horrors to be quite formula based but I still think the comparison is worth pointing out.

What I liked:

Quick, easy read with some great kills.

What I didn't like:

How very familiar it felt.

The standard horror stoner, it's just so over done.

This dialogue towards the end was pretty cringe (quoted below). I like that you acknowledge he's grasping at straws, but why even grasp. This is a horror where stuff happens because it happens, so I would suggest getting rid of that dialogue altogether and just allow the audience to assume. I mean you do lay it out relatively clearly, especially towards the end where the cops blood regenerates the creature etc.

Quoted Text SKEET It's wearin' their bodies! Like... Like it's some kind of... Warrior or somethin'!

Quoted Text SKEET It didn't take those old people's bodies... But it took your man, and your brother... Maybe... Maybe it's like... Gettin' some kind of life from wearin' their bodies!

Quoted Text SKEET Throw me a bone! I'm graspin' at straws here.

I thought that Amber got over her boyfriends death a little too quickly.

Did just the collision ignite the firework? Is that a thing that can happen? Just left me scratching my head for a moment.

I'm not sure what draft this is but there are a few typos in there that need cleaning up, also some awkward phrasing here and there.

Like I said, I did enjoy it for what it was, but at this point you are both pretty good writers with a good amount of horrors under your belt, so why not push for something different and unique, something that doesn't have to lean so heavily on worn out horror tropes?

Good luck with this one.

Sorry for the late response. Been a hectic couple of days.

"Zack, the premise of them needing to go out there is crucial.
I think it comes down they need to get out there to save their own skins, not just cause he wants his bag of loot.
Perhaps the gun or other weapon ends up out there somehow?"

I completely agree with you. Another gun in the bag is a good idea. Need to think on this more. Thanks again for reading, Libby. :)

"Had some time over coffee this morning so thought I would give the first 30 a read.

First, tt’s a breeze of a read. Nicely paced. Crisp solid wiring - I can see this is something getting made. So - they were a lot of things I liked."

Thanks for giving this a look. Much appreciated. ;D

"In the opening, there are a couple of spots where Troy and Wes sound like lifetime friends and a couple of spots where it sounds like they met just a few days ago.

Wes doesn’t know that Troy calls his camper Shirley. Doesn’t seem to know the name of Troy’s ex.  BUT - Troy knows Wes well enough to invite him on a camping trip. Have him participate in his engagement.

So I was kind of lost – are they lifetime friends or did they just meet?"

You're spot on with the character inconsistencies here. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Will fix it immediately. Also like your suggestion about the incoming storm dialog. Good stuff.

"The VHS tape security camera is about 20 years old in terms of technology and i
it’s a tired trope anyway – I would just nuke the camera thing altogether – not really needed."

You're probably right here. lol

"PAGE 28 – the dialogue between REDFIELD and O CONNER was way to exposition-laden IMO.  They are sharing information which each other regarding this urban legend that they already know and would have shared before – I think you need this information in the story – but I think you need a more creative way to introduce it.  A thought – you kind of waste the teenage girls that visit the store earlier – why not have them ask the boy (the one manning the store counter) about it – you know – is it true what they say….. In other words - let them intro the urban legend idea."

Another great idea! Thanks, Dude. :)

"Anyway - IMO - this is going to be a winner - I hate the genre, but found the read easy - so for those who like the genre - this should be spot on."

Thank's a ton for giving this a look, Dave. You've given a bunch of great suggestions that I'm definitely going to use. :)

"Gave this a read this morning, got through it in one sitting. Really quick read that ticks all the standard horror tropes.

I enjoyed it for what it was and it would be something I'd watch."

I'll take that as a huge compliment. ;D

"The issue, which I assume both writer's know, is that there is nothing really new here. As Libby said, this draws inspiration from horrors that have come before it. The film I thought of quite early in the script was Splinter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter_(2008_film):

A young couple going on a camping trip run into some criminals and face down a monster that kinda absorbs people. The criminal sacrifices himself for the good guys.

It's pretty standard for horrors to be quite formula based but I still think the comparison is worth pointing out."

Yeah, the lack of originality falls squarely on my shoulders. ;D I've seen Splinter. Awesome flick. There are definitely some similarities, particularly with the setup. But that was not intentional. lol

"What I liked:

Quick, easy read with some great kills."

Happy we delivered in the kills department. ;D

"What I didn't like:

How very familiar it felt.

The standard horror stoner, it's just so over done."

I love stoner characters! Lol

"I thought that Amber got over her boyfriends death a little too quickly."

Good point. Will fix that.

"Did just the collision ignite the firework? Is that a thing that can happen? Just left me scratching my head for a moment."

Nope. It just so happened that the firework exploded right as the collision occurs. I'll try to clean this up a bit to make it more clear.

"Like I said, I did enjoy it for what it was, but at this point you are both pretty good writers with a good amount of horrors under your belt, so why not push for something different and unique, something that doesn't have to lean so heavily on worn out horror tropes?

Good luck with this one."

Well, I can't speak for Sean, but I personally enjoy old horror tropes. Maybe it's like comfort food for me? Lol

Anyways. Thanks for the read, Warren. Very happy that you enjoyed it, despite the lack of originality. :)

Glad the notes helped - best of luck with this

So, I was thinking on top of desperately needing to get out there to save their skins, (a gun or weapon or cellphone) what if Troy's backpack was a casualty of the crash? It goes through a window, or something, and the engagement ring is in there? Might be too hokey but I was trying to think of something of value with a strong motivation behind it - apart from the very real danger of them losing their heads.   ;D

I also thought Amber got over Troy dying too fast.
Add a bit to that for sure.
But then we also know in horror movies often the grief has to take a back seat (at least temporarily) to survival.

Hi guys, good job here, a fun ride. I liked the pace and danger, the RV ready to tip, her not knowing skeet is a killer. I liked the kills and the monster. The only thing I kept thinking of was it would be good if she gets chased by the monster, a scene with her running though the woods and the creepy monster running and jumping and flying through trees lol.... maybe once she's out of the RV and she has the back pack on. She does end up back out on the road, so skeet can come along with the car and do his thing...I just have this urge for her to be chased by it....hehe.

Quoted from Kirsten Hi guys, good job here, a fun ride. I liked the pace and danger, the RV ready to tip, her not knowing skeet is a killer. I liked the kills and the monster. The only thing I kept thinking of was it would be good if she gets chased by the monster, a scene with her running though the woods and the creepy monster running and jumping and flying through trees lol.... maybe once she's out of the RV and she has the back pack on. She does end up back out on the road, so skeet can come along with the car and do his thing...I just have this urge for her to be chased by it....hehe.

Thanks for reading, Kirsten. Happy you enjoyed it. :)

Really love the idea of there being a big chase sequence in the woods at the end. Sean and I are planning another rewrite, and we will definitely be adding that to the notes. :)

Hey guys,

Congrats on finishing another draft. It was a quick and smooth read. I don’t believe I was confused at any point plot-wise. I know a few people mentioned this reminds them of Jeepers Creepers (and I know you mentioned its inspiration). Still, I’ve been studying Bryan Bertino and his The Monster also has some similarities. I don’t know if you have seen it, but it may be worth checking out.

I liked how the elderly coupled showed up again, especially because their interactions with police were so endearing. They ended up playing a larger role, and it’s for that reason I don’t think it’s necessary to have the teen girls fall, victim, at least on screen.

I felt the camper on a ledge was an effective ticking clock. I would actually lean into even more. For example, too much weight on one side may tip it at some point, so they have to be mindful of weight distribution or more shots of the edge when coming into scenes.

Another thing that I think you could possibly make more of is the proposal and ring. For example, when Skeet wants the boys to retrieve the money, he could say, unless you have something as valuable. Troy, Wes, and the audience would know that maybe the ring, so it puts the boys in this possible dilemma.

I really liked the scene when Troy calmed Skeet down, a really strong way to reveal character. It makes him appear very capable. The most capable of the three, making his conclusion all the more shocking (in a good way IMO).

I felt Skeets’s character was a little off-balance sometimes. I think he’s a difficult character to manage because he has this moral compass, but then he’s threatening the others and essentially putting his own life in danger for money. It’s hard to get beat on how I’m supposed to feel about him.

But, yeah, good luck on the next draft. Looking forward to reading it.

BLB

I forgot all about this one!!! Now I feel stressed. Got Dave's Baggage to finish too.  :o :B

"Congrats on finishing another draft. It was a quick and smooth read. I don’t believe I was confused at any point plot-wise. I know a few people mentioned this reminds them of Jeepers Creepers (and I know you mentioned its inspiration). Still, I’ve been studying Bryan Bertino and his The Monster also has some similarities. I don’t know if you have seen it, but it may be worth checking out."

Thanks for giving this a read. Happy you enjoyed it. :) Love Bertino's The Strangers, but I've not heard of The Monster. I'll have to check it out.

"I liked how the elderly coupled showed up again, especially because their interactions with police were so endearing. They ended up playing a larger role, and it’s for that reason I don’t think it’s necessary to have the teen girls fall, victim, at least on screen."

Which teen girls are you talking about?

"I felt the camper on a ledge was an effective ticking clock. I would actually lean into even more. For example, too much weight on one side may tip it at some point, so they have to be mindful of weight distribution or more shots of the edge when coming into scenes."

Great suggestion, showing the camper over the edge between scene transitions. Would be an awesome way to build more tension.

"Another thing that I think you could possibly make more of is the proposal and ring. For example, when Skeet wants the boys to retrieve the money, he could say, unless you have something as valuable. Troy, Wes, and the audience would know that maybe the ring, so it puts the boys in this possible dilemma."

This actually never crossed my mind at all. Love the idea of the ring being used to bribe Skeet.

"I really liked the scene when Troy calmed Skeet down, a really strong way to reveal character. It makes him appear very capable. The most capable of the three, making his conclusion all the more shocking (in a good way IMO)."

This is all Sean. He's fantastic with character development. :)

"I felt Skeets’s character was a little off-balance sometimes. I think he’s a difficult character to manage because he has this moral compass, but then he’s threatening the others and essentially putting his own life in danger for money. It’s hard to get beat on how I’m supposed to feel about him."

Agree 100%. He's such a tough character to nail down, but I'm confident we'll get it figured out with the next draft. I want him to be a villain who turns into a hero by the end.

"But, yeah, good luck on the next draft. Looking forward to reading it."

Thanks again for reading, BLB. Hopefully it won't take us too long to get the next draft going. Sean and I would like to enter this script into some competitions, once we've tightened it up a bit more. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear I forgot all about this one!!! Now I feel stressed. Got Dave's Baggage to finish too.  :o :B

Don't stress yourself out, Lady! Read at your own pleasure. :)

Quoted from LC So, I was thinking on top of desperately needing to get out there to save their skins, (a gun or weapon or cellphone) what if Troy's backpack was a casualty of the crash? It goes through a window, or something, and the engagement ring is in there? Might be too hokey but I was trying to think of something of value with a strong motivation behind it - apart from the very real danger of them losing their heads.   ;D

Could have sworn I replied to this. SOrry for leaving you hanging, Libby! :(

I love the idea of Troy or Wes potentially trying to bribe Skeet with the engagement ring. I'm adding it to the (very long) list of notes for the rewrite! ;D Thanks  for the suggestion. :)