Morningside (was The Feast) by Lonnie Lapierre - Short, Horror - A health inspector investigates a long term care home and discovers more than just neglect. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Lonnie,

I will say up front that considering the title and the logline, I had a feeling I knew how this story would play out. I would consider at least changing the title to something a little more subtle.

You've got some good writing here. I'm curious as to some of the details, such as the xeranthemums, and the significance that they provide. A lot of these details could be taken out and still provide the same context. It is just extra description fluff that isn't necessarily needed and is something more that a set designer or director would provide info for. However, it paints a vivid picture, and I appreciated it anyway. Just if you're looking to decrease your page count, you can remove the small details and only include that which is necessary for the story.

Apart from some minor grammatical errors and spelling errors, this story was well written and the lead up to it was quite nice. You paint an eerie tone and I loved it. The reveals of each scene was great, and I ate it all up, despite knowing what would happen early on in the script.

Good job, and good luck!

Sean

Sean,

Thanks for reading! It's hard to get anyone to read anything, so this is very valuable to me, thank you.

I added the xeranthemums as a hint to what Stalinski actually is, they represent immortality or an ever lasting flower; it might be a bit heavy handed and it's easy enough to take out of the script considering people might get the idea anyway.

As for the title, do you think its a dead give away even with a better worded longline? Changing the title is something that is easy enough to figure out. The last thing I want to do is beat people over the head with a large hammer :)

Thanks again for the read.

Lonnie,

Happy to help.

The Xeranthemums aren't the only minute detail I noticed that could be taken out (however, now that you've explained their reason, I would suggest leaving them in there).

Other examples include:

A long winding road reaches to the horizon up and over hills of grass plains. Clouds race overhead, casting their shadows as they pass over green fields and across the long road.

Could be written as:

An overcast sky hangs over green fields that surround a winding road.

... LOVELY LADIES(80’s) One in an impressive floral one piece and sun hat, another with a walker smile at Michael as they pass, he returns the glance.

Since we see these lovely ladies just once, do we need to know what they're wearing? The walker is fine. Just kidding, as I am writing this reply, I just realized the sun hat was to protect the woman from the sun, thus keeping her "alive". Move along, nothing to see here.

...OLD GENTLEMAN(80’s)thin, sickly. An oxygen tanked rests at his side, a tube runs from the top of the tank to a mask fixed on his face, a panicked look.

Loved this visual of the old man with a panicked look. I have a feeling his panicked look is trying to warn Michael. Which brings me to my next point:

The Orderly slowly turns his head towards Michael, a similar glance.

At second reading, I realized the Orderly is giving a similar glance of panic. Might want to include that in the action line, that it's a glance of panic. Otherwise, a similar glance of what?

Would also love it if Michael used hand sanitizer after shaking Waylon's hand.

A large map of the retirement grounds stretches across one of the walls

Another piece of description that could probably be taken out. It's these small details that don't necessarily drive the story, but are just pieces of info meant more for the set designer to be like, "Ah, yes, that WOULD be there, wouldn't it?"

Do you get where I'm going? Just small details that, if they don't add to the main direction of the story, you can take them out. It's extra fluff that will be filled in later when the set designer of the film comes in and makes the set look realistic. Not saying you NEED to take them out, but it will help decrease page count by at least half a page (if not more) if you tried keeping the action lines sparse. I had to learn this myself (I used to write prose before getting into screenwriting) and it's tough but once you realize how clean and fast your script reads when removing the small details, such as what one is wearing, or going overboard on descriptions of an interior or nature scene or something, the script becomes much easier to read.

As far as the title and/or the logline, I would say change either, or both. I would say the two go hand in hand in revealing what's to come, so, say you changed the title to something like...The Non-Retirement Home (just pulling stuff outta my ass right now) because it's a retirement home full of vampires. Or re-writing the logline but leaving out "discover something more than just neglect." I don't know what to replace it with, but it's just wording. After seeing the title, and reading the logline, I immediately thought: "Hm. The health inspector is probably going to be eaten by the residents of the care home because they are either cannibals or something else."

I hope this all helps. Let me know if I need to explain more or if you have any other questions.

Sean

Wow, I wasn't expecting this, beyond thankful :) Thank you for the suggestions, they are all great. I will go over it and make the action a bit leaner, take out the added fluff stuff. Changing the title makes a lot of sense now. It is great to have another set of eyes on this, it has morphed over the last couple drafts.

Thanks Sean

L

No problem, Lonnie. Once you get a new draft up, I'll check it out again.

Sean