Laundry by Sean O'Donoghue - Short, Horror - A man heads to a laundromat late at night to get his suit cleaned for an interview the next day. 25 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Sean -

There is SO much I love about this and SO much I'm just like WTF?!

First, your logline needs work. As it is, it had no influence in me wanting to read this nor has anything that I could tell to do with the story except Matt taking a suit to the laundry. I don't even remember any mention of an interview. More suitable would be: Late night laundry can be hell.

Love your characters and descriptions. Leopold and Babi rock. The two 14 year old kids? OMG, awesome scene. 'Nuff said.

Your scene heading of ACT IV threw me. Was there a reason for the change? Otherwise, your room choices were classic. One nit is when he first goes in the closet - it's pitch black, yet we're supposed to see his actions. Perhaps the light through the door jamb permits this.

Also like your nonsensical phone conversation that Matt has in the beginning. A total rambling on one-sided conversation. I read that twice to see if it really had any bearing on the story and...jury is still out. Odd topics and key points that may or may not foretell. Or am I just reaching and trying too hard? Now I'm rambling. One issue is that it might be too long and you don't want to lose anyone for this journey. I found myself starting to skim on my first read. Maybe cut a page?

The ending...not what I was expecting and, when it played out, was kind of a let down for me. It's been done before but it was so fitting. I had some alternative thoughts but I don't encourage you to change.

Top notch - Horrific scenes and imagery, great dialogue, and a red-hot mess. Loved it.