Baggage by David C Lambertson - Romantic Comedy - A small-town, wannabe writer creates short stories based on the items she finds in baggage at the lost luggage center where she works. Her life changes when she writes a story that is based on the emotionally charged items lost by a hot-headed Hollywood producer. 108 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The idea for this one came from a Google search of America's most unique towns. One that came up was Scottsboro Alabama (population 12,000) nestled in the Appalachian Mountains. They have the only Unclaimed Baggage Shopping Center in the USA there. Basically, they buy all of the unclaimed baggage (sight unseen) from the major outlines and sell the contents of those bags at this huge outlet center in their small town.

In my story, of the workers (Jenna) is a 40-something wannabe writer that writes fictional stories based on some of the stranger things she finds in the unclaimed luggage she opens and posts those stories on a blog (Baggage Stories). Her life changes when she happens to write a story on the contents of a lost suitcase owned by Billy Bunker, a crass, hot-headed, relatively famous Hollywood producer.

For the first time ever I used a Narrator as a character in a story. I plan on writing an additional draft without the Narrator and trimming some more pages. Looking for feedback on character arcs, did the humor land, is this something you would watch, etc.

Thanks in advance to anyone that takes a look.

Did you trim some pages already?

This much different to the draft I read?

Quoted from Warren Did you trim some pages already? This much different to the draft I read?

4/5th fewer dudes

1/2 less narrator

Some scene changes - minor

Ending throttled back just a bit

Otherwise - pretty much what you already read

Nice one, dude :p I'm looking forward to hearing other's thoughts.

Quoted from Warren Nice one, dude :p I'm looking forward to hearing other's thoughts.

Thanks,  dude :)

I see you are following the trend of making the cover page help set the tone right off the bat.  :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear I see you are following the trend of making the cover page help set the tone right off the bat.  :)

Yeah ... I think we are in a new era :)

Page 1.     Excellent first page. Love the V.O.

Page 2.     Blonde.

Page 3.     Great at the end there with Heather’s respond to Billy that is really a response to Ethan.

Page 4.     First hint of something going wrong and how the baggage will go unclaimed.

Page 5.     Confirms what I suspected Billy’s character would be. Lol.

Page 6.     Rather abrupt transition from Sebastian’s office to Tiffany’s. Needs something in between there, IMO. Even if just a quick visual.

Page 8.     Slight confusion now. The script starts at LAX followed by simply, movie studio office, then we’re in NYC and then JFK. I think you need to tell us where these movie studios are. I assumed we were in LA. If so, then it’s a weird jump to Tiffany’s and then JFK. Probably want to clarify this. Or is it just me being stupid?

Ethan Hunter, is that a young Tom Cruise?

My thoughts after the first 10.

An easy breezy read. We are definitely in competent hands. There’s humor, irony, and intrigue. I want to read on. My only issue here would be that with Billy out cold/dead, who is our protagonist? Either it’s the suitcase or the first ten was just a set-up/tease.

Great job so far. All I had time for this morning. Hubby went to ER this morning. He went there himself, so nothing too dramatic. Hopefully everything will be okay.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 1.     Excellent first page. Love the V.O. Page 2.     Blonde. Page 3.     Great at the end there with Heather’s respond to Billy that is really a response to Ethan. Page 4.     First hint of something going wrong and how the baggage will go unclaimed. Page 5.     Confirms what I suspected Billy’s character would be. Lol. Page 6.     Rather abrupt transition from Sebastian’s office to Tiffany’s. Needs something in between there, IMO. Even if just a quick visual. Page 8.     Slight confusion now. The script starts at LAX followed by simply, movie studio office, then we’re in NYC and then JFK. I think you need to tell us where these movie studios are. I assumed we were in LA. If so, then it’s a weird jump to Tiffany’s and then JFK. Probably want to clarify this. Or is it just me being stupid? Ethan Hunter, is that a young Tom Cruise? My thoughts after the first 10. An easy breezy read. We are definitely in competent hands. There’s humor, irony, and intrigue. I want to read on. My only issue here would be that with Billy out cold/dead, who is our protagonist? Either it’s the suitcase or the first ten was just a set-up/tease. Great job so far. All I had time for this morning. Hubby went to ER this morning. He went there himself, so nothing too dramatic. Hopefully everything will be okay.

Hey, thanks Pia - good point on the abrupt transition between LAX and New York. My wife just mentioned the same thing. I'm going to add something like this in the next draft (in between him leaving Sebastian's Office in LA and showing up at Tiffany's in NYC)

INT. LAX AIRPORT - DELTA CHECK-IN  - COUNTER - DAY

Billy hands his ticket to a smiling CLERK as places the Chelsea suitcase we last saw stranded on the airport baggage carousel on the luggage weigh-in scale.

CLERK
(checking the ticket)
Ah, New York. I love it there.

BILLY
Good to know.
(points at computer terminal)
Don’t want to miss my flight.

The Clerk’s smile evaporates as he taps in Billy’s information into the computer. A Boarding Pass prints out.

The Clerk hands the Boarding Pass to Billy, then grabs the Chelsea suitcase, hitting the corner of it against a wall as he removes it from the scale.

BILLY
Hey, hey - careful there. That isn’t a duffel bag.

Thanks again - hope your hubby is doing well

Hey man,

So, I'm up to page 20 right now. So far, I love the premise, very unique. And it moves at a very fast pace -- the constant movement of the luggage really helps move the pacing of the story along. And it is very interesting, the whole process of what happens to lost luggage. It carries symbolism and I see a parallel to the actual characters in terms of who they are as people and how this lost luggage (specifically the Chelsea bag) and how it's handled reflects the lives and character of the people who come across it. And I also like the characters so far, you establish them impressively well in the short time they're on screen.

No complaints up to this point -- I won't be commenting on the actual writing too much, nor do I think it's necessary. You know what you're doing.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Hey man, So, I'm up to page 20 right now. So far, I love the premise, very unique. And it moves at a very fast pace -- the constant movement of the luggage really helps move the pacing of the story along. And it is very interesting, the whole process of what happens to lost luggage. It carries symbolism and I see a parallel to the actual characters in terms of who they are as people and how this lost luggage (specifically the Chelsea bag) and how it's handled reflects the lives and character of the people who come across it. And I also like the characters so far, you establish them impressively well in the short time they're on screen. No complaints up to this point -- I won't be commenting on the actual writing too much, nor do I think it's necessary. You know what you're doing. -- Michael

Thanks!

Hi David.

It's the first time I've seen an image used on the title page and believe it adds to grabbing the reader. I like it.

I've only read fifteen pages with the first page grabbing me immediately - the use of some type of omnipotent airport/luggage narrator made me chuckle.

I've read a number of your scripts and consider you a terrific, as well as prolific, writer, and feel it can't be long before you break through - if that is indeed what you are still attempting to do.

Excuse me if I'm unable to offer anything of more substance or detail in relation to this script, other than I like most all of your stuff.

Cheers
Wayne

Quoted from WayneM Hi David. It's the first time I've seen an image used on the title page and believe it adds to grabbing the reader. I like it. I've only read fifteen pages with the first page grabbing me immediately - the use of some type of omnipotent airport/luggage narrator made me chuckle. I've read a number of your scripts and consider you a terrific, as well as prolific, writer, and feel it can't be long before you break through - if that is indeed what you are still attempting to do. Excuse me if I'm unable to offer anything of more substance or detail in relation to this script, other than I like most all of your stuff. Cheers Wayne

Thank you for the kind words, Wayne - much appreciated.

Up to page 55:

I'm really enjoying this (despite it not really being my preferred genre). As unlikable as Billy Bunker is, I still like him (if that makes any sense). His outbursts and manic struggles remind me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, how everyone seems to be against him all the time but, for some reason, we still kinda side with him and see his point on a lot of things. And though we kinda laugh at his struggles and his ignorance because of his insecurity driven pompousness and superiority complex, it also makes him relatable and somewhat likable as it keeps happening. I love how he constantly grapples with his inner peace, having these outbursts and then cutting himself off, reminding himself that he's a new Billy Bunker. And the information we learn about both he and Jenna really adds layers to their characters.

I'm not normally a fan of voice over, but it fits here and adds an earnest, storybook kinda tone. It almost reminds me of Big Lebowski mixed with the beginning of Magnolia a little bit.

At page 54, I love the meta B-story you add here, with Jenna's stories being pitched as a horror/mystery series to Netflix without her knowledge. In fact, the pitch itself is pretty fucking cool, sounds like a great idea for a series -- something to consider there, I feel like that idea itself has legs. But I love the parallels here, it's very well done -- Jenna uses Billy as a story w/ out his knowledge and now her story is being pitched to Netflix w/ out her knowledge.

I do like the comedy, how he always references movies and how those references usually go over people's heads, especially in this small town where the baggage center is.

Great stuff so far! Will continue reading!

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Up to page 55: I'm really enjoying this (despite it not really being my preferred genre). As unlikable as Billy Bunker is, I still like him (if that makes any sense). His outbursts and manic struggles remind me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, how everyone seems to be against him all the time but, for some reason, we still kinda side with him and see his point on a lot of things. And though we kinda laugh at his struggles and his ignorance because of his insecurity driven pompousness and superiority complex, it also makes him relatable and somewhat likable as it keeps happening. I love how he constantly grapples with his inner peace, having these outbursts and then cutting himself off, reminding himself that he's a new Billy Bunker. And the information we learn about both he and Jenna really adds layers to their characters. I'm not normally a fan of voice over, but it fits here and adds an earnest, storybook kinda tone. It almost reminds me of Big Lebowski mixed with the beginning of Magnolia a little bit. At page 54, I love the meta B-story you add here, with Jenna's stories being pitched as a horror/mystery series to Netflix without her knowledge. In fact, the pitch itself is pretty fucking cool, sounds like a great idea for a series -- something to consider there, I feel like that idea itself has legs. But I love the parallels here, it's very well done -- Jenna uses Billy as a story w/ out his knowledge and now her story is being pitched to Netflix w/ out her knowledge. I do like the comedy, how he always references movies and how those references usually go over people's heads, especially in this small town where the baggage center is. Great stuff so far! Will continue reading! -- Michael

Thanks, mate - glad you have enjoyed it so far. And yeah, as I was writing it I thought - hmmm., the Baggage Stories thing by itself my make a good anthology series. If this thing gets no traction, I might pursue that angle. Who knows.

PAGE 56 - 58:

You mention twice that Billy felt it necessary to go back to Scottsboro, but he couldn't put his finger on why -- it is worded differently, but I'd get rid of the 1st one and keep it the 2nd time you mention as it seems to have more impact here (it's directly related to Jenna).

PAGE 59:

Quoted Text BILLY I don’t want to do discuss the details here. Are you available for dinner tonight?

Just a typo (do).

PAGE 67:

Billy deletes Heather's number here. I like it, but what made him decide to do that? Perhaps he's feeling guilty for shitting all over Jenna's lovely writing story, but is that what makes him delete Heather's number? If so, what's the correlation or parallel?

Also, love the NARRATOR breaking the 4th wall a bit in chiming in after the discussion w/ Sebastian, talking about getting a Twilight Zone style narrator.

PAGE 68:

As amusing and clever as the NARRATOR chiming in on the previous page was, I don't think it works the second time here (NARRATOR: I'd watch.) The third time, it actually does work IMO. I'd just get rid of the 2nd one.

PAGE 70:

Ha, I like the Darlene character. Reminds of Janine from Ghostbusters.

PAGE 71:

I think Billy's transformation is a little too fast, here. I love how he suggests that Jenna should be the writer and that he's going back again to talk to her. But saying The Econo Lodge is perfect and then mentioning it's next to Applebees is a bit much IMO. Instead of saying "Perfect", I'd have him maybe roll his neck, about to complain. Then just say "Sure, whatever" or something like that. I can see him saying that later in the story -- same w/ him being super nice at the airport, giving the taxi driver a huge tip, getting clipped by a suitcase and just telling the guy to not miss his flight. I'd have him still show some resistance to being super nice but deciding to say things like "It's fine". Then him handing the driver a few bucks but before he grabs it, he adds a few more bucks.

I could be wrong and it might have some payoff here and these same people might see Billy with Jenna (like at the end of Groundhog Day) and Jenna will be impressed that Billy had made a good impression on the town's people. But since it's happening in LA, he probably won't encounter them in Scottsboro.

PAGE 72:

Disregard what I said about Billy's transformation too fast. I see what you did here on on this page, nice setup.

PAGE 114:

Typo.

Quoted Text JENNA Because I might of care about yours.

PAGE 116:

Great line from the Narrator to end this.

OVERALL:

So, this is definitely not my genre, so I apologize if my notes aren't too comprehensive here. I'm looking at it as a viewer rather than a fellow screenwriter. And I absolutely loved it. The story never lagged at any point and I really enjoyed the characters and their arcs, especially Billy's. He's a pretty classic, flawed asshole character (Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets). And his transformation, like in the movies I've described, was really fun to watch. The point where Billy won me over was when he flew Mary Ann out to LA to audition and then he played off his good deed like it was only self-serving. That was a critical point in the story for his character, the audience and for Jenna. I loved her backstory. It was sad but with Billy, who's somewhat of a cartoonish kinda character, it really gave the story balance and warmth.

My one thing with the story -- now don't get me wrong, I loved the Billy character and I loved his arc and transformation -- but he is a tad on the cartoonish side. It was borderline slapstick, but Jenna kept things a little more grounded and Billy started to feel like a real person as I was reading their scenes together later in the story. And I do like that -- with the superficiality of Hollywood, I'm betting that it was intentional to make him sort of be a caricature somewhat until he finds himself later in the story. I would say to slightly tone him down a bit -- he's constantly a ball of crazy energy, full throttle throughout the whole story, some people might get exhausted by him. But, for some reason, I feel like if you tone him down too much, it may affect the impact of his transformation and arc. So, I'm just bringing it to your attention. I wouldn't necessarily change him.

Again, great script man, once I had time to actually sit down and read the whole thing straight through, it flew right by. Excellent writing as usual, good dialogue, great lead characters and funny supporting roles. And there was enough profane comedy in there to keep this from getting too sappy and corny. I don't see why this wouldn't get made. It seems fairly low-budget.

-- Michael

Quoted Text You mention twice that Billy felt it necessary to go back to Scottsboro, but he couldn't put his finger on why -- it is worded differently, but I'd get rid of the 1st one and keep it the 2nd time you mention as it seems to have more impact here (it's directly related to Jenna).

Good catch - you're right - thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 59: Just a typo (do).

Thanks
PAGE 67:

Quoted Text Billy deletes Heather's number here. I like it, but what made him decide to do that? Perhaps he's feeling guilty for shitting all over Jenna's lovely writing story, but is that what makes him delete Heather's number? If so, what's the correlation or parallel?

Hmm. Was trying to break the pattern of his - every other time he got back to LA the first thing he did was try to get a hold of Heather - But, I think you're right - I think rather than a straight delete here - he should just decide to pocket the phone.

Quoted Text Also, love the NARRATOR breaking the 4th wall a bit in chiming in after the discussion w/ Sebastian, talking about getting a Twilight Zone style narrator.

Thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 68: As amusing and clever as the NARRATOR chiming in on the previous page was, I don't think it works the second time here (NARRATOR: I'd watch.) The third time, it actually does work IMO. I'd just get rid of the 2nd one.

Good suggestion

Quoted Text PAGE 70: Ha, I like the Darlene character. Reminds of Janine from Ghostbuster

s.

Thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 72: Disregard what I said about Billy's transformation too fast. I see what you did here on on this page, nice setup.

Cool - glad it worked

Quoted Text PAGE 114: Typo.

Got it - thanks

Quoted Text PAGE 116: Great line from the Narrator to end this.

Thanks.

Quoted Text OVERALL: So, this is definitely not my genre, so I apologize if my notes aren't too comprehensive here. I'm looking at it as a viewer rather than a fellow screenwriter. And I absolutely loved it. The story never lagged at any point and I really enjoyed the characters and their arcs, especially Billy's. He's a pretty classic, flawed asshole character (Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets). And his transformation, like in the movies I've described, was really fun to watch. The point where Billy won me over was when he flew Mary Ann out to LA to audition and then he played off his good deed like it was only self-serving. That was a critical point in the story for his character, the audience and for Jenna. I loved her backstory. It was sad but with Billy, who's somewhat of a cartoonish kinda character, it really gave the story balance and warmth. My one thing with the story -- now don't get me wrong, I loved the Billy character and I loved his arc and transformation -- but he is a tad on the cartoonish side. It was borderline slapstick, but Jenna kept things a little more grounded and Billy started to feel like a real person as I was reading their scenes together later in the story. And I do like that -- with the superficiality of Hollywood, I'm betting that it was intentional to make him sort of be a caricature somewhat until he finds himself later in the story. I would say to slightly tone him down a bit -- he's constantly a ball of crazy energy, full throttle throughout the whole story, some people might get exhausted by him. But, for some reason, I feel like if you tone him down too much, it may affect the impact of his transformation and arc. So, I'm just bringing it to your attention. I wouldn't necessarily change him. Again, great script man, once I had time to actually sit down and read the whole thing straight through, it flew right by. Excellent writing as usual, good dialogue, great lead characters and funny supporting roles. And there was enough profane comedy in there to keep this from getting too sappy and corny. I don't see why this wouldn't get made. It seems fairly low-budget. -- Michael

Thanks for the read and the kind words, Micheal - much appreciated.  I take your point on Billy as over the top/caricature in some places and I am looking to but in a little more subtlety in the next draft.

As an aside - when I wrote this I had the leads cast as Bill Burr (one of my favorite comedians) and Jenna was Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office). It is one of those things where I think a Burr could handle the over the top parts - might be more difficult for someone else.

Again - thanks a ton for the read - I am going to let this percolate a couple of weeks and then start the next  draft.

Quoted from eldave1 Good catch - you're right - thanks Thanks PAGE 67: Hmm. Was trying to break the pattern of his - every other time he got back to LA the first thing he did was try to get a hold of Heather - But, I think you're right - I think rather than a straight delete here - he should just decide to pocket the phone. Thanks Good suggestion s. Thanks Cool - glad it worked Got it - thanks Thanks. Thanks for the read and the kind words, Micheal - much appreciated.  I take your point on Billy as over the top/caricature in some places and I am looking to but in a little more subtlety in the next draft. As an aside - when I wrote this I had the leads cast as Bill Burr (one of my favorite comedians) and Jenna was Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office). It is one of those things where I think a Burr could handle the over the top parts - might be more difficult for someone else. Again - thanks a ton for the read - I am going to let this percolate a couple of weeks and then start the next  draft.

Bill Burr would be great in this! Had the honor to meet him and see him perform live a few times when I was working Dangerfield's Comedy Club in NYC. I can see him pulling the outbursts off very well. I like Jenna Fischer as well.

Quoted from spesh2k Bill Burr would be great in this! Had the honor to meet him and see him perform live a few times when I was working Dangerfield's Comedy Club in NYC. I can see him pulling the outbursts off very well. I like Jenna Fischer as well.

How cool! Never seen him live - but certainly would pay to.

Dave,

Read the first thirty. Stopping, getting late. For me anyway. But will definitely continue.

Very good first act set up. I didn’t think I’d like the narrator. Was planning on not liking the narrator. I like the narrator.

Anyway, very pro feel here. You take a mundane airport baggage claim and somehow make it interesting. Just the right amount of description.

Also, I’m getting a Saul Rubinek vibe from when he played a movie producer in True Romance. Any connection there?

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Read the first thirty. Stopping, getting late. For me anyway. But will definitely continue. Very good first act set up. I didn’t think I’d like the narrator. Was planning on not liking the narrator. I like the narrator. Anyway, very pro feel here. You take a mundane airport baggage claim and somehow make it interesting. Just the right amount of description. Also, I’m getting a Saul Rubinek vibe from when he played a movie producer in True Romance. Any connection there? Steve

Thanks,  buddy. And no connection

Couple quick things before I forget...

When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better.

Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier.

Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Quoted from SAC Couple quick things before I forget... When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better. Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier. Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Thanks, Steve

First suggestion - yeah, that works

Second suggestion - agree that it is funnier (I actually laughed when I read it ) - but I need a yes for later.... but I am very tempted

Just letting you know that I haven't dropped the ball. Just been super busy. I'm up to page 20, but I'm hoping to finish this weekend.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Just letting you know that I haven't dropped the ball. Just been super busy. I'm up to page 20, but I'm hoping to finish this weekend.

Gracias!

Quoted from SAC Couple quick things before I forget... When Billy tells Sebastian about "the fucking note," I think Sebastian's response should be drawn out just to prolong the comedic moment. Something like... You wrote her a... a fucking note?" IMO, that little pause might land the joke that much better. Also, when Colton asks Mary Ann out for dinner for Dwight and Mary Ann says "sure." I haven't gotten that far, so I don't know if it comes up again, but if it doesn't, a flat "no" would be so much funnier. Anyway, take it with a grain of salt!

Steven - doing the next draft and these two items (above) are going in - you're right - works better. Thanks

Up to page 70 as of last night, and should finish later.

I don't think there is anything wrong with making Billy a bad guy. Honestly, I don't really see him as a bad guy. He's our protag, a bit of an asshole, and we know that he'll have some sort of arc where he sees the light. But not too much. Being an asshole is sort of Billy's charm, in a sense.

However, at an hour and ten in, we should now be solely focused on just Billy and Jenna. At this point Billy is going back for a third time. Personally, I would cut that. Let him stay there after the second trip. There's a lot of comedy/ drama to be had in that little town, and Billy going back a third time breaks the flow of the story in the regard that he and Jenna should now be the main focus. We've seen enough of Darlene and Sebastian. A phone call would suffice.

But Billy, at page 70 or even before, needs to be actively courting Jenna. A little good natured back and forth, a teaming of the two, a reluctant partnership -- say, on the Netflix deal -- is something to be expected. They mix like oil and water, and we should be seeing that already. We are, in places, yes. That's why I said have Billy stay there, not to make a third trip.

Anyway, I'll post more when I finish, but I think you're on the right track with this, and you're not as far off as you think. Like I said, the biggest thing for me right now is the flow. You might serve this story better by even cutting some scenes. Like, a svelte 105-110. 117 is basically two hours and, for a rom com, that might be a bit much. It seems you're trying to pack too much in here, and it may be detracting from the story instead of embellishing it.

That said, The Shining scene on the airplane is fucking comedy GOLD! Loved it. Personally, I would lose Billy explaining it to the mother afterwards. Any viewer who doesn't get that reference doesn't deserve to see this movie anyway.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Up to page 70 as of last night, and should finish later. I don't think there is anything wrong with making Billy a bad guy. Honestly, I don't really see him as a bad guy. He's our protag, a bit of an asshole, and we know that he'll have some sort of arc where he sees the light. But not too much. Being an asshole is sort of Billy's charm, in a sense. However, at an hour and ten in, we should now be solely focused on just Billy and Jenna. At this point Billy is going back for a third time. Personally, I would cut that. Let him stay there after the second trip. There's a lot of comedy/ drama to be had in that little town, and Billy going back a third time breaks the flow of the story in the regard that he and Jenna should now be the main focus. We've seen enough of Darlene and Sebastian. A phone call would suffice. But Billy, at page 70 or even before, needs to be actively courting Jenna. A little good natured back and forth, a teaming of the two, a reluctant partnership -- say, on the Netflix deal -- is something to be expected. They mix like oil and water, and we should be seeing that already. We are, in places, yes. That's why I said have Billy stay there, not to make a third trip. Anyway, I'll post more when I finish, but I think you're on the right track with this, and you're not as far off as you think. Like I said, the biggest thing for me right now is the flow. You might serve this story better by even cutting some scenes. Like, a svelte 105-110. 117 is basically two hours and, for a rom com, that might be a bit much. It seems you're trying to pack too much in here, and it may be detracting from the story instead of embellishing it. That said, The Shining scene on the airplane is fucking comedy GOLD! Loved it. Personally, I would lose Billy explaining it to the mother afterwards. Any viewer who doesn't get that reference doesn't deserve to see this movie anyway. Steve

Thanks - yeah, I working on trimming now - I like your suggestion

Dave,

Finished this. I think you lose track a little towards the end, say about the last half of act 2. The part where Billy and Jenna start writing together. This, aside from the writing, is their "getting to know you" phase, but you have them spend most of the time writing together in a room. They need to branch out, go somewhere, do something spontaneous. Billy's a fish out of water, so maybe have her take him to some country dance filled with toothless hicks or something. Billy would have a lot of fun with something like that, I think. Anyhow, I think that area of the script needs the most work. Yes, we need to see them working together, but I think it's just as important to see them out of that environment so that part of the story doesn't get stale.

Act 3 worked well for me. The part where Jenna opened up about her husband was gold, and was a perfect segway into them consumating their relationship.

Personally, I would lose the As Good As It Gets reference. For me, having someone name drop a movie in a movie is like nails on a chalkboard! Haha.

Other than that, I liked this a whole bunch. You had some laugh out loud moments, touching moments. A nice mix.

Hope some of this helps.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Finished this. I think you lose track a little towards the end, say about the last half of act 2. The part where Billy and Jenna start writing together. This, aside from the writing, is their "getting to know you" phase, but you have them spend most of the time writing together in a room. They need to branch out, go somewhere, do something spontaneous. Billy's a fish out of water, so maybe have her take him to some country dance filled with toothless hicks or something. Billy would have a lot of fun with something like that, I think. Anyhow, I think that area of the script needs the most work. Yes, we need to see them working together, but I think it's just as important to see them out of that environment so that part of the story doesn't get stale. Act 3 worked well for me. The part where Jenna opened up about her husband was gold, and was a perfect segway into them consumating their relationship. Personally, I would lose the As Good As It Gets reference. For me, having someone name drop a movie in a movie is like nails on a chalkboard! Haha. Other than that, I liked this a whole bunch. You had some laugh out loud moments, touching moments. A nice mix. Hope some of this helps. Steve

All good thoughts.  Thanks!

Ahoy Dave,

I see you've entered this in a comp already -- so I'm not necessarily going to critique what you've done -- more like compliment. So pardon me if I don't do a total "point by point." Here's the Reader's Digest version:

Overall, I think “Baggage” is a well crafted story with some extremely charming characters. The script did an excellent job of introducing them all in memorable ways, underlining and emphasizing characters which would play major roles, and efficiently cueing the audience on supporting characters...I loved most of the characters, especially the main duo, Billy an especially fun character to read and I love his growth from egotistical jerk to a very lovable guy. I also enjoyed the interaction between Sebastian and Billy.

However, I wanted to slap the shite out of Heather. Women like that gets my goat. ;D

The highlight for me was the dialogue itself. It was very funny and light and I enjoyed reading the different voices of each character and discovering their wit. It just manages to feel timeless and epic, yet natural (never stiff or wooden), which is no easy task.  

A fun, quick read. Methinks it should farewell. Best of Irish luck!-A

Thanks so much for the read in the very kind words, Ghostie.  Much appreciated. You made my evening

Just letting you know, Dave, in case you're not aware... -A. (Andrea) is half of the _ghostwriters duo.
I do believe (she can correct me if I'm wrong) that glam shot in the Avatar (above) is her in the driver's seat.

Quoted from LC Just letting you know, Dave, in case you're not aware... -A. (Andrea) is half of the _ghostwriters duo. I do believe (she can correct me if I'm wrong) that glam shot in the Avatar (above) is her in the driver's seat.

Gracias!

Oh, just seeing this! I'm going to read

Quoted from khamanna Oh, just seeing this! I'm going to read

Cool. Thanks

Page 7 - LOL @ I don’t want to live a life without you in it. Fucking perfect!

Serengeti thing might be too long to be worth it? Nitpick, ignore me.

Billy is a barely likeable mess.  I can relate.

10 - Nice transition from Billy getting knocked out to the luggage losing it's passenger narration. Robert McKee can stuff it, right? https://youtu.be/_VseQe4TFsg?t=53

In all seriousness, even if you remove the voice over, I think it would still work because you're showing visually the travel of the luggage. Maybe with one change letting us know it's Billy's luggage.

13 - What if Jenna preaches to Dwight to "please wear gloves", but Dwight is too macho to wear them. Next thing we know he pulls out a hot pink dildo that wiggles back and forth in his hand. "what's that smell?", screams, throwing it away. Next scene: Dwight scrubbing his hands in a fury. Dwight putting on a gas mask and two sets of gloves.

Ran out of time for now, will continue later. I like the structure, and reads well. Witty and charming.

I do wonder if the narration stifles the characters from taking a more active role in making scenes funnier, rather than you (the narrator) providing the punchline? But at the end of the day, it still works as is. We can always go 100 different directions, and ultimately the narrator may be required to pull it off how you envisioned it. Reminds me a bit of Terminal

- Rob

Quoted from Robert Timsah Page 7 - LOL @ I don’t want to live a life without you in it. Fucking perfect! Serengeti thing might be too long to be worth it? Nitpick, ignore me. Billy is a barely likeable mess.  I can relate. 10 - Nice transition from Billy getting knocked out to the luggage losing it's passenger narration. Robert McKee can stuff it, right? https://youtu.be/_VseQe4TFsg?t=53 In all seriousness, even if you remove the voice over, I think it would still work because you're showing visually the travel of the luggage. Maybe with one change letting us know it's Billy's luggage. 13 - What if Jenna preaches to Dwight to "please wear gloves", but Dwight is too macho to wear them. Next thing we know he pulls out a hot pink dildo that wiggles back and forth in his hand. "what's that smell?", screams, throwing it away. Next scene: Dwight scrubbing his hands in a fury. Dwight putting on a gas mask and two sets of gloves. Ran out of time for now, will continue later. I like the structure, and reads well. Witty and charming. I do wonder if the narration stifles the characters from taking a more active role in making scenes funnier, rather than you (the narrator) providing the punchline? But at the end of the day, it still works as is. We can always go 100 different directions, and ultimately the narrator may be required to pull it off how you envisioned it. Reminds me a bit of Terminal - Rob

Thanks for reading and weighing in, Robert - I appreciate it. Loved the YouTube clip - that was great!

Quoted from eldave1 Thanks for reading and weighing in, Robert - I appreciate it. Loved the YouTube clip - that was great!

No problem, sir. Adaptation is a great movie for us scribes. Good luck with the script.

Quoted from Robert Timsah No problem, sir. Adaptation is a great movie for us scribes. Good luck with the script.

thanks

Well, I entered this into 4 competitions.

Just got notice that it made the quarterfinals in the ScreenCraft Comedy Competition - first one out of the gate so I am feeling optimistic :)

Congrats!

Bravo. Congrats, Dave. That's pretty damn consistent performance. But I just had a funny feeling about your script as I read it. Call it women's intuition or whathaveyou’s. Speaking for both of us -- all the best going forward.:)-A

Quoted from Warren Congrats!

Thanks, mate.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Bravo. Congrats, Dave. That's pretty damn consistent performance. But I just had a funny feeling about your script as I read it. Call it women's intuition or whathaveyou’s. Speaking for both of us -- all the best going forward.:)-A

Thanks, Andrea - very kind of ya!

Congrats Dave!

I feel bad I never wrote up a review. I read up to page 75 or so, but due to being really busy this spring, I was only able to read it in bits and pieces, so I wasn't really able to think of the story in a complete way. It looks like you're doing well with the script though. Next time you have a script, send it to me when you have a first draft. I'm pretty sure I owe you one.  :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congrats Dave! I feel bad I never wrote up a review. I read up to page 75 or so, but due to being really busy this spring, I was only able to read it in bits and pieces, so I wasn't really able to think of the story in a complete way. It looks like you're doing well with the script though. Next time you have a script, send it to me when you have a first draft. I'm pretty sure I owe you one.  :)

Thanks - no worries at all - I got several reads on it so I'm good on feedback.  

Good on ya, mate! Must feel good.

I would expect no less. Good luck going forward!  :D

Quoted from LC Good on ya, mate! Must feel good. I would expect no less. Good luck going forward!  :D

Gracias

No wonder it got in, Dave! Congrats!

I read it shortly after it was posted, but you know Covid didn't make things easy. So I wasn't able to give my thoughts on this.

Nonetheless, way to go my man!

Quoted from Yuvraj No wonder it got in, Dave! Congrats! I read it shortly after it was posted, but you know Covid didn't make things easy. So I wasn't able to give my thoughts on this. Nonetheless, way to go my man!

Thanks, buddy

Morning email

Hi DAVID,

Good news: your script, Baggage, is advancing to the Semifinalist round of the 2021 ScreenCraft Comedy Competition. Congratulations!

Onwards!

Nice one, Dave. I'm sure it's the first of many notifications like this for Baggage.

Terrific news, Dave!! Congrats!

Thanks, guys.

Blatant self-promotion.  Just got the Scriptapalooza email. Here is where Baggage stands as of this morning:

SCRIPTAPALOOZA = into quarterfinals, semi's late August
PAGE = Into quarterfinals - semi's to be announced 8-15
SCREECRAFT = into semi-finals. Finals to be announced 8-3
NICHOLLS = awaiting results
LAUNCHPAD = awaiting results
THE SCRIPTLAB = awaiting results.

So, I am getting somewhat optimistic about the broad-based results. That normally doesn't happen (i.e., I'll do well in what contest, not in others). Maybe this is the one. Maybe.....????

Dave, you'll blast through all of these!!

If I'm been quite realistic.  ;D

Quoted from Yuvraj Dave, you'll blast through all of these!! If I'm been quite realistic.  ;D

Thanks!

Exciting stuff, Dave! Congrats and good luck moving forward! I'm sure you will do well. :) Keep us updated!

Quoted from Zack Exciting stuff, Dave! Congrats and good luck moving forward! I'm sure you will do well. :) Keep us updated!

thanks, buddy

Awesome news! You're killing it.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Good stuff, Dave!

Dave, that is truly awesome news!

Wondering how much the script has changed since you first posted. Is the revised edition up?

Steve

Now that is good news, Dave. Must be fun watching them roll along.  

On ya, mate!

Thanks all