I haven't really struggled with loglines too much in the past but this one is doing my head in.

This is for a new drama feature I finished a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to specifically write something that was as woke as possible and then see how it went in the comps.

Any help would be appreciated...

Logline:

When a young, gay African-American man, intent on hiding who he really is, decides to give a young woman battling her mental health a lift across country, the trip turns into a roller-coaster ride of self-discovery and friendship.

When a closeted African-American man decides to help a mentally unstable young woman get across the country, the drive turns into a roller-coaster of self discovery and friendship.

If their lives are at risk at any point during the script, that could be a mention in the logline. Something of a grabber. Right now, even as I wrote it, it reeks of plain old drama. Not that that's a bad thing. I love drama. But, you know, people want to be enticed with risk and stakes.

Or --

When a closeted African-American man decides to help a mentally unstable young woman get across the country, their drive turns into a perilous roller-coaster ride of self discovery and lasting friendship.

Thanks Steve, both good options, but you do highlight an issue with the script in general I think...

This is definitely just plain-old drama, it's really about the two lead's relationship. There are some kinda life and death moments but they are not the driving force of the script. I'm not really sure the stakes are big enough to carry the story. It's all part of why I'm interested to see how this goes in the comps, will the fact that I've trick as many boxes as I can be enough to carry this or will it ultimately fall away because the story is just not good enough.

I by no means think this is a groundbreaking script, it probably doesn't deserve to do well anywhere, but I'm curious.

Nothing wrong with a good drama imho.

The problem I have from your logline Warren (apart from too many commas)  :D is self discovery and friendship don't exactly conjure much drama. Mentally unstable and someone keeping a big secret re sexuality interests me as a viewer, but doesn't compel me to read. You also appear to have given a conclusion to the conflict or final outcome in your log - e.g. apart from the rollercoaster ride I'm already led to believe no big deal it all turns out well in the end - a lasting friendship. Too bland.

Decides to help. Too soft.
Must she get there as a matter of urgency? If not something will happen to her?
And what about him? Is he just doing her a friendly favour?

I don't know the full story obviously, but will think some more...

P.S. Steve adding perilous helps. Adds a lot of drama.

P.S. Warren, I hope you didn't think me too harsh here.

I've never yet read a script of yours that was boring or lacklustre. Quite the opposite.

I just finished a drama/comedy and posted the logline on a FB group for feedback. The advice was almost universal — what are the stakes? What’s the conflict? They tore it apart and, quite honestly, I didn’t really have an answer. It just wasn’t that kind of script. Eventually the comments suggested I was playing out a writer’s fantasy because my protagonist has an affair with a woman 30 years his junior — most women gave me a lot of heat on that. Without even reading the script, mind you.

Anyway, it got me thinking about making changes. Then I’m like, well, no. I won’t. It’s just not that kind of script. I’m not sure that a script needs those particular elements to be entertaining and interesting.

So, the protag (man?) has an affair with a woman thirty years his junior?

The conflict is in-built I would think. The operative word is: affair.
I'd ask what your logline is but this is Warren's thread. Post it up in a separate thread?

Steve, are you saying your characters just lived happily ever after? That usually only happens for the likes of Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch. And then they get a younger model a few years down the track.   ::)

It's very hard to judge loglines without reading actual scripts and knowing the nitty-gritty.

Not sure what the logline should be. To me (having read this) - this is really about finding the courage to confront a parent and finding that courage from an unlikely source. And it really applies to  both the woman and the man

Maybe:

A gay African-American man finds the courage to come out of the closet after taking a long road trip with a mentally unstable young woman on a mission to confront her father's past abuse.  

Note: I always find drama loglines to be the most difficult to write. I don't know why that is. But for me, it's true.

Warren, how do these two characters get thrown together? Is she hitchhiking? Does he rescue her from something/someone? Has she just busted out of a mental health facility?

I'm thinking words like unlikely pairing/duo, blah de blah... The lives of two very different people/ strangers intersect when a gay black man and a mentally unstable young woman are forced/ must take a roadtrip together... during the course of events both are forced to confront the ghosts/demons of their pasts... reconcile their futures?

I like mentally unstable, as Steve and Dave cited, rather than battling her mental health.

Quoted from LC Nothing wrong with a good drama imho. The problem I have from your logline Warren (apart from too many commas)  :D is self discovery and friendship don't exactly conjure much drama. Mentally unstable and someone keeping a big secret re sexuality interests me as a viewer, but doesn't compel me to read. You also appear to have given a conclusion to the conflict or final outcome in your log - e.g. apart from the rollercoaster ride I'm already led to believe no big deal it all turns out well in the end - a lasting friendship. Too bland. Decides to help. Too soft. Must she get there as a matter of urgency? If not something will happen to her? And what about him? Is he just doing her a friendly favour? I don't know the full story obviously, but will think some more... P.S. Steve adding perilous helps. Adds a lot of drama.

Haha, so many commas, I whipped it up pretty quick.

Agreed that projecting the ending in that way if not ideal, definitely something to think about.

Also the matter of urgency is an issue brought up by everyone that has read it, I do need more of a catalyst for all of this happening.

Quoted from LC P.S. Warren, I hope you didn't think me too harsh here. I've never yet read a script of yours that was boring or lacklustre. Quite the opposite.

Not at all, I didn't find it harsh at all, and more than happy for some harshness:)

This might be the first then :p

Quoted from SAC I just finished a drama/comedy and posted the logline on a FB group for feedback. The advice was almost universal — what are the stakes? What’s the conflict? They tore it apart and, quite honestly, I didn’t really have an answer. It just wasn’t that kind of script. Eventually the comments suggested I was playing out a writer’s fantasy because my protagonist has an affair with a woman 30 years his junior — most women gave me a lot of heat on that. Without even reading the script, mind you. Anyway, it got me thinking about making changes. Then I’m like, well, no. I won’t. It’s just not that kind of script. I’m not sure that a script needs those particular elements to be entertaining and interesting.

Some good food for thought here, Steve. Thanks.

Quoted from eldave1 Not sure what the logline should be. To me (having read this) - this is really about finding the courage to confront a parent and finding that courage from an unlikely source. And it really applies to  both the woman and the man Maybe: A gay African-American man finds the courage to come out of the closet after taking a long road trip with a mentally unstable young woman on a mission to confront her father's past abuse.   Note: I always find drama loglines to be the most difficult to write. I don't know why that is. But for me, it's true.

Dave, this is fantastic. I think I'm going to steal it.

Apologies Steve and Libby, obviously reading the script provides a lot more context. I think Dave has a better feeling of its direction than I do.

Quoted from Warren Dave, this is fantastic. I think I'm going to steal it. Apologies Steve and Libby, obviously reading the script provides a lot more context. I think Dave has a better feeling of its direction than I do.

Steal away.

You wouldn’t be the first to steal a Dave logline.

Quoted from SAC You wouldn’t be the first to steal a Dave logline.

Haha, yeah I don't imagine so.