Unboxing by Alexander Luis Rodriguez - Short, Horror - Strange goings on during a live unboxing video puts Maggie in danger. 13 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Hey Alexander. I'm a newbie learning the ropes so I don't know much about anything,  take what I say with a pinch of salt. I'll also leave formatting things as I'm still getting my head around that as well, although on first glance, to me at least, it looked OK.

I actually think this is a solid start, it zipped along pretty well and a breeze to read. I liked the set up with the false lead (what do they call that?), and thought you created a good image of what was going on - I was there the whole way even if the ending was maybe a little predictable.

One thing I thought was slightly off was the age of Gemma. For a 20 year-old who is pierced, wears a crude t-shirt, edgy etc, I thought the dialogue was perhaps a little naive, or juvenile for her look/age. Not a big thing for me in the scheme of things, just something I sensed.

Keep going, you've got a natural story telling ability which over time is going to serve you well.

Good job.

Yeah I'm a big fan of shows like Inside No 9 and The Twilight Zone and so I think that twisted humour comes across here.
Yeah maybe I could have altered Gemma's appearance slightly to better fit the dialogue.
I will indeed carry on, appreciate the feedback thanks.
By the way feel free to have a look at my other stories...

Pink Primate (psychological horror )
Fur and no Whiskers (dark comedy/animation)