Happens by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - A young man on a beautiful day decides to make his first move. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you, Don, for posting. Hope you guys like it.

Hi!

I think it’s a nice little statement on the “one mans sorrow is another mans happiness” type of thing. I think this could benefit by a little more background for the violin player — like maybe a quick flashback or something that lets the reader know that, say, maybe red roses were a favorite of his deceased wife, or something that triggered a happy memory that causes him to play a happy tune.

I get the juxtaposition, just think it needs a bit more.

Steve

Thank you, Steve, for reading and commenting. Useful feedback.

Quoted Text EXT. - STREET - MORNING

As a matter of process - I always think you ought to give us some kind of clue in the header on the type of street. e.g.,

RESIDENTIAL STREET
DOWNTOWN STREET

etc.

The story didn't feel complete for me. It felt as a smaller part of a larger story - hope that makes sense.

Thanks, Dave, for reading and commenting. Point noted.

Yuvraj, there's something to be said for micro-shorts, and/or keeping things short and sweet, but your story needs to pack a punch, evoke emotion, send a message etc.

I get the feeling a lot of this story is still in your head.
I, for one, have too many questions.
Why does the violinist play melancholy music? What's the link between the two characters.

Your logline suggests Ben is making his first move on Audrey but this line:

KATE
Ben. Don't call her right now. You
know...

- suggests the two have a history, and that Audrey has decided to move on with Jason.

That said, maybe I'm wrong...
Unless you're David Lynch you need to give us more clarity in the narrative, and it needs to land on the page.
It's either unrequited love, or lost love? Ben is suddenly emboldened, but it's too late?

BEN(CONT'D)
Give it to someone you care.

- This line would be much more powerful if you wrote:

Give it to someone you love.
Otherwise it would be: care for, or care about.

Beautiful autumn day
Should be - A beautiful Autumn day. Or tells us instead the sun is shining, a carpet of leaves etc.

Tell us what colour the roses are. If they're red for example they'll symbolise love.

takes a deep breath, not breathe.
drops a few changes should be:
drops a few coins

Happens as a title?

There's some nice imagery in this but I'd love you to elaborate on what is actually happening in this story.
I don't mean to be harsh. Quite the opposite.. I'd like to give you some more suggestions as to how you might get this one to pull at the ol' heartstrings.

Thanks, Libby, for reading and commenting. Useful feedback.