Killer R/X by Robert S Timsah - Short, Comedy - A desperate young man begins taking an experimental drug that helps him finally conquer the voices in his head, only for them to come to life and try to kill the doctor who prescribed it. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Yeah liked this a lot, kind of an R-rated Inside Out.
I like that you didn't go down the route of overcomplicating things, here it's a simple premise - we have this character, he has this problem, must defeat it.
Reads well, had no problem visualising and I like the fact that we never see the 'voices' - keeping the mystery is always wise, so in saying that maybe your log line could have read;

A desperate man discovers a solution to finally conquer the voices in his head.

That way you don't give away too much, but you don't lose people's interest.
Ending it the way you did was a good choice, made me chuckle.
So yeah, well done.

Hey, thanks. This was a lot of fun to write. After struggling through a depressing full length drama rewrite, a nice change of pace. Thanks for the log line suggestion, but I guess my idea is that it still hides what they actually do, while making someone want to read it? But log lines may be tougher than than writing the script ha. But without that tease.. who will wanna read it? 😂

Anyway, glad you liked it. Thanks for taking the time.

No problem. If you want feel free to check out my stories.

Fur and no Whiskers (Animated Comedy)

Pink Primate (Psychological Horror)

Unboxing (Horror)

Piecing Together (Horror)

Robert,

I think you have a great premise here -- good on that! But you lose me at the end. The voices, as they're tormenting the doctor, are still (OC) or (OS). I thought they'd actually come to life, like your logline says. Regardless, if the voices are now in the flesh, I think you need to revisit that scene to give it more clarity. It sort of gets jumbled for me there at the end.

Great closing line, by the way. Basically, I think you have a real good one here. Just feel the ending needs to be tidied up, as I'm not sure if they're actually there or not.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Robert, I think you have a great premise here -- good on that! But you lose me at the end. The voices, as they're tormenting the doctor, are still (OC) or (OS). I thought they'd actually come to life, like your logline says. Regardless, if the voices are now in the flesh, I think you need to revisit that scene to give it more clarity. It sort of gets jumbled for me there at the end. Great closing line, by the way. Basically, I think you have a real good one here. Just feel the ending needs to be tidied up, as I'm not sure if they're actually there or not. Steve

Dante (O.S.)
Oh Steven think he Steven Spielberg.

That wasn't me! Ignore Dante. Thanks for you input and thanks for reading it. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure about the exact ending. I was trying to keep this short, fun and funny. Trying to give this story, which risks having absolutely no logic boundaries, at least a few and they sorta come to life. I guess I like the ending, lol.

Rosie (O.S.)
I agree with Steven on this. What a crap ending.

Shut up, Rosie!

Haha.

I didn’t not like the ending. I thought it was a good way to wrap it up. Just that I got a little confused is all.

Quoted from SAC Haha. I didn’t not like the ending. I thought it was a good way to wrap it up. Just that I got a little confused is all.

Thanks for your thoughts. 👍