King for a day by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - Responding to an advert looking for a king for the day, three friends find themselves part of a twisted pagan festival. 10 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice quick horror you've got here. Reminded me of Hostel, Midsommar and The Wicker Man rolled into one.
Also if you like gory horror there's a low budget British film called 'Inbred' that's worth a look - don't eat while you're watching though!
I felt like something was missing to give it that 'kick' so to speak. I don't know what exactly, but maybe one of the friends could be in on it? Or maybe, and this is gonna sound pretty sick, maybe instead of an 'axe to the head' have Edward tied up and get cut up by a combine harvester. You're audience won't forget an image like that. I do like the idea of Joyce dancing with the head though!
Also watch your grammar, mistakes will get picked up no matter how small.
Well done. Keep writing. Look for things that people don't usually take notice of and you can make great stories. If that makes sense!
Cheers.

Simon - I haven't finished this yet.

Just random stuff

Pg 1. - you describe the men as being in their early twenties, which is fine, then you later give them specific ages, which IMO is also fine, but their ages are so similar (20,21,22) that I'm not sure it's necessary to be so specific. Maybe it's based in plot, don't know yet

A bigger issue with their introductions -- unfilmables. I generally don't have a problem with some character introductions being a little "novelistic" (for example - introducing a character in text as "a dreamer", or something, isn't an issue to me even though it's not technically on screen) -- but you've given us way too much detail for it be conveyed on screen. How would a viewer know Edward has been an insomniac for seven years? Why not just describe him as "bleary eyed"? Same for the others  - how could a viewer know David's painkiller addiction, or Aaron's career failures, just by what they look like?

Quoted Text The shower is blasting them, cleaning off the mud and the dirt. They were 100% covered in muck but now they’re down to about 50%

This is an awkward and overlong description - you could cut the second sentence altogether and still get the idea.

Other thoughts

Aside from some of the stuff I noted above, nothing here sticks out as poorly executed, but your plot developmental is not at all economical. You've spent a few pages establishing the guys' poor money situation in which they repeat themselves several times. We don't need two different characters telling us how much they need to sell, how little money they currently have, and the threats they face. Just tell us once - save your words and pages.

I'll post more once I finish if you let us know you're around and seeing these comments?

Ben, just a heads up - I've been around a good while and have noticed Simon Parker posts a lot of scripts.

While we'd welcome Simon into the SS fold with open arms, not once have I known him to respond to feedback.

I don't think he's even signed up to the discussion board so your words may well be in vain..

Yep. True that. I also commented on few of his scripts. No response.  

Well that's lame.

I don't understand what the purpose of uploading a short to SS is if you don't read the board?

Well, he might still read comments.

I only said what I did cause you may have been tempted to post more and it takes work and is disappointing when there's no acknowledgment forthcoming.

Simon can always prove me wrong.
For now though, bump something else.