What's Your Emergency? by The Don - Short, Comedy - A 911 operator gets an unexpected call from the grave. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like it.  Nice like story.

The one thing I'd question is the location of the phone with it in the back pocket.  I dare say it would be very impressive for both parties to hear each other and chat away.

The phone could be in the hand.

Aside from that, good job overall.

That's one chill 911 operator.
-Do you still need help? I guess not.
Nice

Overal, it's not my type of story but it does have comedic element to it which I appreciated. It's just I don't get scared that easily, so as a horror it didn't work on me. Also, I didn't get it was a ghost calling. I thought it was a real man, who someone ate from beneath after he was buried alive and a 911 operator seeming was to chill to help.

As a character - a 911 operator wasn't under any urgency. He didn't have any agenda or question that needs to be answered. Unless his agenda is to tell all the callers to go to hell and end his shift. Maybe it could benefit from you showing his goal. You did some, but not enough, I'd say.

It's a good script though. I was curious to finish and see how it ends and what's happening, so you did keep me engaged. Nice job

There is some comedy and it fits the overall tone. The 911 operator is in that same vein, but it does come off as more conversational than urgent or even concerned.

The logline gives away a lot, even though it is literal. It foreshadows heavily so I was expecting it. Still not quite what I expected though, so good job with the ending, but it felt like a missed opportunity too. That last line could have been a better button on the ending.

Good job overall.

Having a little trouble making sense of this one. The operator was all business until the end when he was all nonchalant and light-hearted about the guys fate. The guy seemed to just take it all in stride too. The comedy really fell flat to me as well.

Kudos for entering and good luck!

Hmm... Ya' got a solid concept here, but it just doesn't come together. The humor just isn't there, at least not for me. The tone just seems... Off. Spotted a few typos as well. Solid effort. :)

Don’t quite understand this, well written but it confused me a bit. Managing to pocket dial 911 when the phone is in the back pocket is quite an achievement and I’m not sure what the operator is supposed to be doing but I did like it overall.
Well done.

Parameters are nailed - nice.

Don't think you need the phone in the back pocket deal

Kind of a non-urgent sense from the 9-1-1 operator - that could have been ramped up a bit.

I think a disconnect would have been funny - maybe when he gives his name - perhaps the 911 operator thinking she is being pranked.

A couple of chuckles - nice job. Comedy is tough.

That had some good moments. The lack of urgency from the 911 operator got a little distracting.

It works to a degree but the mobster guy is also relatively relaxed. There's not a lot of room for contrast.

Might get more mileage out of a relaxed, overly friendly 911 guy and the mobster is freaking out. Or, the opposite, a complete nervous wreck 911 operator and the chill mobster is trying to calm him down.

Good effort though.

So I felt like this was intentionally sort of deadpan in a way that makes people laugh because of how inane the situation is.  The operator is a bit nonchalant about the whole thing, which I see as a way to sort of heighten the comedy because of the seriousness of the situation.  I think where it misses the boat on this is that you have both side fairly laidback about the situation.  It's fine for the 9-1-1 operator to be that way, but you need the mobster freaking out and trying to get the operator to comprehend the seriousness of what's going on.  Actually, it might be even funnier with the roles reversed -- the mobster cool and collected and the 9-1-1 operator freaking out.

Overall, I thought it wasn't bad, just needs some tweaking on the character approaches.  Best of luck with it.

Gary

A light-hearted comedy that could have been more intense.

For some reason I was thinking to make the operator more flamboyant being the polar opposite to the mobster... Just a thought.

Not bad

Good job on entering

Hi writer,

Two wise guy scripts in a row, what are the odds?

Quoted Text OPERATOR Can I take you're name sir?

name, sir.

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue.

I quite enjoy this kind of dead-pan, dry humour and it worked well in parts but overall the story was a bit of a non-event for me.

Good job getting an entry in.

All the best.

Meets the parameters and inventive. It's just, well, I know it's a comedy, but the Operator didn't act like an operator. At first, they did but then shifted quite suddenly in tone towards the end. I think if you made the operator quirky throughout this would work better, but a very solid first draft.

Hi Writer

Nice comedic tone, the blasé operator and the mobster worked nicely together. Not laugh out loud funny but some lighthearted fun.

Not sure I understand the situation though, the more code message or the randomly dropping into hell.

Not bad though.

Best of luck

I liked this, I thought the blasé attitude was funny. The dialogue had a nice rhythm to it.

It's missing something, but I'm not smart enough to tell what that could be haha.

Good stuff, hope this gets an update~

So this is the comedic version of Buried.
.
Operators are often trained to stay underwhelmingingly calm so no gripe from me.

Make the Operator a woman. Equal opportunity and all that. Funny, I presumed he was a she, until the Scouts bit.

Trying to think if I can add anything that hasn't already been said...

I don't think you nailed it entirely (little coffin joke there) but pretty darned close. Lots of nice lines.
Perhaps needs another punchline to finish?

Speaking of:
a niche service.  ;D

I think this one deserves a bit more love than it's getting.
You'll score well with me. Funny and clever.

I got the humor, I got the blase attitudes, I got it all the jokes, I thought it was great as is...

Except for the phone in the back pocket bit. It just didn't ring true to me.

Funny how the suspension of disbelief works... My mind accepted everything else without question, but couldn't handle that. It doesn't need to be there, so delete it. (The phone, not my mind).

Great effort.

Hi writer,

Oh man… bad day at the office, lol. Could have been worse, could have been in the trunk of a car, going into one of those nasty compactors that turns the vehicle into a 3x3 box.  Mind you, fires a bitch as well. Not sure he was on a conveyer belt going into hell (literally), or a conveyor belt at a crematorium, or neither. Either way, it played out funny enough to warrant that kind of consideration on my end. Well done.

Very nice. Don’t know why the guy below the coffin had to use morse code, but hell doesn’t sound like it’s very technologically advanced. I really liked Paulo’s wise-guy character. Dialing 911 gets you a dispatcher, not an operator. And they ultimately determine which emergency service to send, so Paulo wouldn’t have the option to decline police involvement.

Writer,

Sorry to say that the comedy did not land for me. I know, subjective, but still... Actually, this is a pretty cool premise you have here that would have been perfect for a horror/thriller script. On a phone, buried underground? Lots of things to do with this is you so choose.

Steve

OK, It's a tough call. You're writing what you find funny. And that's exactly what you should be doing. Problem is, comedy is very subjective. But hell yeah, I totally agree with Libby, she’s onto something here.  This was light-hearted fun. I love your imagination- Got a good one. The only real gripe is make them completely opposite. I can see the characters though, that was a good job. Best of Irish luck! :)-A

I liked this one. I would suggest maybe end this with light from Hell showing the empty coffin. ???

Good read, and one that I will remember for a while.
Cindy

This one has now been sold, should be going into pre-production early next year.

Well done, Ant!
I liked this a lot and look forward to seeing it. :)

Excellent! Can't wait to see it. Congrats.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood This one has now been sold, should be going into pre-production early next year.

Wow, that’s awesome!  Many congrats.