It Was Dark and Stormy by John Silence - Short, Horror - A businessman learns there are some things you shouldn't try to exploit. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like it.  Has a comedic tone to it.

Has met the challenge.

I was wondering if that ending was coming, and it didn't disappoint. The premise is solid, the exposition is too much. Lots of back story that isn't really needed for the story, and not enough character. The ending does make it work though, good job there.

I read it twice and really liked it on the second read. On the first read the execution threw me off - and I think you could format all these SFX's as action for cleaner look.

So, nice script, idea and especially the ending. I think with cleaning up the format it could leave much better impression as its a very good script.

It's a neat idea but too difficult to achieve as a radio play, and that's why you've ended up with so much expositional dialogue...

Outside of the challenge I think this would be worth a re-write as a 'normal' script.

This idea works better as a conventional script than a radio play. In fact, it's kind of a cool idea for a bit bigger piece. That is, I think I'd enjoy reading the other side of the story - the building of the cages and trapping of the ghost.

Trying to wedge this idea into this format makes it feel smaller.

Still, I enjoyed it, despite an abundance of exposition. Good job.

There's a lot to this and a lot of promise. As it is, it's good but needs to be cleaned up to be believable. FCC rules be damned in an emergency. He'd be happy to have anyone respond than to stick with protocol.

A premise to work with - give this more attention after the challenge to see what you come up with.

Good work, writer.

I liked this. Written well and a decent story.
Well done.

I like how this started, but I feel like it may have too many story threads.

The dialogue had to really explain a lot, and suddenly it was also a ghost story. I almost feel like there are two separate cool stories here. Maybe it needs another few pages, I dunno.

Good stuff, I'll definitely check out any future versions~

It was an interesting premise but I just had a question that bugged me:  was Billy the ghost?  If so, why would Billy — a ghost —  be knocking on the door?  Maybe I’m missing something. Still, pretty well written and think would do really well with a more visual medium. Best of luck, gary.  

Okay, well that was pretty nifty overall.

All you need to is get rid of the blatantly (for the audience) lines e.g.
Let’s see if generator is working…
I hope someone’s on the ham band…

Look, just
call the cops, will you?
Why? I didn't get why at this point.

Okay, it kinda gets explained later.

The expo just makes Dave sound like a bad actor or a dullard at least.
A lot to like here, but it needs fixing in spots.

Nice to read in different format, just don't spell everything out. Trust your audience.

Had to do a reread. Just felt overwritten for 4 pages.

Had a nice premise and the ending tied it together with Billy being the ghost.

Good job on entering

Hi writer,

So this is by far the heaviest exposition laden script I've read in the batch so far, and too be honest I thought there would be more considering the challenge, but this one bangs it on strong.

I can see why you needed it for this convoluted tale but it's just too much.

The idea is pretty good and would probably be better written as a visual script where you might be able to use a bit more subtlety and subtext but as is, this doesn't really get there for me.

I'm also not a fan of how the SFX were handled, I think you could have written them as action and achieved the same purpose.

Worth a rewrite outside of the challenge

All the best.

Hi Writer

I somewhat enjoyed this - I would do away with all of the talking to himself at the beginning, or at least make it a bit more realistic.

Sort of ended with a fizzle though, was Billy knocking the door even though he is a ghost? or could he see someone about to knock the door?
Quite a bit of room for improvement but liked it overall.

Best of luck

Matt

Very creative and different. The use of SFX works here as well, I do wish I'd done that on mine now but I was wary of putting people off.

You do have to cram in a lot of exposition to get things across, but I've listened to a few audio Doctor Who audio dramas recently and they are filled with such exposition, so I think you are allowed more than a visual screenplay.

Solid effort. Well done.

I liked the ending. All the science-y stuff with trapping ghosts was cool. I'd try to find some way to smooth out the exposition a bit although easier said then done when there's this much stuff going on.

Decent effort.

Doesn't work for me. The dialog is way too on the nose. And why is Dave talking to himself before he gets on the radio. It's like he knows there's an audience. Some sloppy writing at the end as well. You state that Billy's voice comes from nearby and is crystal clear, but then in Billy's dialog you state that it's still filtered. Which is it?

Appreciate the effort to avoid visuals. :)

Writer,

Very good premise on capturing a ghost. I like that a whole lot. What I didn't like was how the story played out, or how Dave was talking to himself in the beginning. That didn't work at all. You could've found a better way to convey these things through conversation with Billy and not explained it like that. Either way, I'm not quite sure who Billy was or how he showed up at the end. Maybe he was the ghost just fucking with him. Again, great premise, so-so execution/story.

Steve

Strong concept. There seems like a lot of potential to broaden this out into something larger. Dialogue is effective.

I recommend putting Dave under a little more stress in this call. Weird stuff can be happening around him while he is in discussions. I suspect that Billy is a ghost. Look for ways to make this a little more chilling and impactful.

Thank you for an interesting read.

Hi writer,

This is basically a low-calorie version of ‘THIR13EN Ghosts’:

In the movie the ghost hunter made a residence entirely of glass sheets inscribed with Latin phrases, which are barrier spells. In there, twelve angry ghosts plus 1 very nasty one called ‘The Juggernaut’ are imprisoned in the house, held captive by the spells.

But, I like your version as well. You can drop a half a million volts across the human body when wearing a Faraday suit, a wearable mesh Faraday Cage, so keeping ghosts in check in a Faraday cage style house would be strange looking but fun to think about, I dig this for its creative angle.

Hmmm... holy exposition batman, you're underwater. :)

First, the good. Interesting idea. Solid hook. Dialog is fine, I think it's good for the tone. Yes, it’s layered in exposition, but here, in my opinion, it was necessary. Your bread & butter sort of speak. For what it's worth, I don't believe exposition is a crime. As long as it's interesting -- that's what matters. In my opinion, you ought to disguise it more...;D

Strangely enough, I liked this a lot better than I thought I would. Way to go. Best of Irish luck! :)-A