Home Call by Ghost Writer - Short, Horror - A businessman phones home after an accident, only to find his wife doesn't recognize him. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Whoa - you really pushed the parameter limits here. The scenes in the woods could be eliminated with just a few lines of dialogue. The monument at the end would be tough as it is a visual necessity to make it work. I'm not going to DQ this but it may effect your overall score - sorry.

The premise of someone passed calling home isn't really new to me either. It needs a new twist to make this work for me.

Kudos for entering and good luck!

Another one with visuals, we have almost an entire page of action before we get to the phone call.

Like the idea but this (for me) doesn't fit the parameters.

I like the idea. The execution just doesn't quite bring it home for me.

On first read, none of Cindy's reactions feel quite right. They make more sense on second read, when I know the twist. The trick is to make it work for both.

The line that really tripped me up was "How do you know my name?" For some reason, it just didn't ring true for me. She just got a call from her dead husband's cellphone, and the person on the other end sounds exactly like her husband. Is that the question she would ask? No. I think she'd have other priorities in this moment.

Anyway, I like the idea. But, I think it needs some cleanup work.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the script.

Hm, I'd probably like this more if I hadn't watched that Calls show recently. They have an episode that's similar. Although that episode was probably taken from Twilight Zone.

I guess it just needs some new angle, a twist on the standard formula, to really make it stand out.

But definitely well-written overall.

Written as a visual script more than capably. Some nice descriptions etc.,  but...

This could easily translate to an audio script and be written that way.
Bit naughty that you broke the challenge rules so blatantly.

Story did feel quite a bit familiar.
And quite a bit off in places and stretching credibility.

CINDY (VO)
It’s just me and Lucy now.
Really?

You left us, Damon...
No, he was killed.

I guess she held him responsible for driving under the influence.

Either way if my husband came back from the dead I'd want desperately to see him, especially if it sounded like him.

I guess I know what you were going for and via audio it would work and be very creepy.
I don't know... Maybe she secretly killed him and that's why she's not falling over herself to see him. :)

I like it.  Thought this was good entry.

There are bits and pieces that cannot be filmed/recorded like 'former' but that's neither here nor there.

Overall, good job!

Initially thought you had misinterpreted the parameters and had a visuals only script until I read further down. Nice reactions from Cindy and from Damon from the start of the conversation but quickly became obvious what was happening.
Well done.

Sorry…  But for me, this one was clearly outside of the parameters.

Other than that – I enjoyed it – nice writing – but way too many visuals.

While not surprising, the ending worked for me on an emotional level. Nice job there.

I think with a little editing this could work as an audio drama, but as is, it's too visual for that.

Nice work~

Hi writer,

Okay, if visuals are permitted via the challenge parameters, then this actually works for me, and I really like it, but… I think we’re just audio this time around? Maybe it’s all good and I’m not reading what’s okay versus not okay re: challenge do’s and do not’s.

Like the visual of the roadside memorial at the end, that simply cannot be captured via audio, but the rest of the story could be worked to find the same outcome if you were clever enough. It's a good captivating story overall, best of luck.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text we see his face is bruised and bloody.

But we aren't meant to see anything :/

Have I missed something here? The first page of this 3 page script is all visual action.

Very similar to an episode of Calls that I watched on the weekend. So this has been done and it's a pretty decent idea in a well written script that would make a great little short, but........

This clearly doesn't meet the challenge requirements, right? I'm sure I could have written a way better script than the one I did if I had visuals, that's what the 'challenge' part of it was.

I liked this very much as a stand alone outside of the challenge but it doesn't work for me at all inside of it.

All the best.

EDIT: Just realized this is listed as horror, I think it really fits into the drama genre more.

Hello Writer

"we see" shouldn't appear in a normal script, let alone one that shouldn't rely on visuals.

The opening was way too visual, should have gone with FX of a man climbing, grunting, pushing through the shrubbery, then onto the phone call for the story.

The story itself wasn't that satisfying, a bit like a childhood campfire ghost story. The reaction of both of them seemed way too casual for what was actually unfolding.

That end bit was purely visual.

A swing and a miss from me.

Best of luck to you

Nicely written. The story is familiar but works well. The visual aspects can easily be tweaked to work on an audio level with additional supporting dialogue.

Decent effort, well done.

Had a difficult time with this just because it fell so far outside the boundaries of the challenge.  If I take it just as a short script, then it isn't too bad.  I feel like the wife's reaction wasn't dramatic enough.  If my late wife called me on the phone I would be going bonkers.  I feel like there should be some other take on this -- like he calls her, and he can hear her, but she can't hear him, because he's dead of course.

But a pretty decent effort overall.  Best of luck with it.
Gary

Yikes...it's SO visual. The ending hinges on a visual element. It can't really translate to a non-visual story with anywhere the same impact, but there's a version of it that would. That's what you should have tried for, IMO.

That aside, I liked Damon's point of view and dialogue. Cindy's reactions and dialogue didn't feel real to me. All that space spent on visuals could have gone into some real emotion from her. So, it didn't really do it for me.

Writer,

Never mind all the visuals here. Never mind them. The story you chose to write has been done a thousand times, so it's not really very original. But, I can appreciate how you chose to tell it. The writing was good, too. You seem to have a handle on that. Overall, not bad, but not really something for this particular challenge.

Steve

The idea of it is not new but it's still well written and engaging. The dialog was good and I felt for him.

But I don't know how to rate it as it just oversteps the main requirement. And in this case I'm going to hold it against you. I usually don't and for most entries I won't. This is just all about the visual, sorry.

No effort at all to avoid visuals. :(

Very well written, and a good story too. I actually really like this one. Just think more could have been done to keep it in the spirit of the challenge.

Hard to pull this one off on radio!!

Overall nicely written but seen it all before.

Good job on entering

hmmmm.....I have to agree with a lot of the critiques thus far.  Overall, the writing was very visual and clear, and the imagery works, just not for this challenge. Then again, writing something rather than nothing is always a good thing in my book. :) Good luck with it.-A

Nice. I’m not sure you need the opening scenes in the Pine Forest and Country Road. I’m guessing they signify the fact that Damon’s been lost in a wilderness since he died, always searching for a signal so he can call home. In a visual format, it would be fine, but in an audio drama, maybe he could be wandering in a never-ending fog. That would be simple to articulate, rather than coming up with some way to describe the terrain he’s moving through. I really liked the dialog between Damon and Cindy.

Short and sweet. Generally effective.

I think the wife's reaction could use a bit of sharpening. She might be a bit more tentative in answering a number that matches her dead husband's phone. It might take two or three calls for her to finally answer. She might hang up once or twice.

But a cool script overall.

I wonder what happens next?

Nothing for me to add or explain, really.

I wrote this specifically for the challenge, to get feedback on my writing style. The script itself crashed and burned, and rightly so.

Thanks again for your comments and feedback. They were exactly what I was after.

Was one of my faves, just obviously not quite right for the challenge. Looking forward to seeing what you can do when you play within the boundaries.