Coldwater Two by Barry Voight - Short, Drama - A USGS volcanologist reports his observations of Mt. St. Helens. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

VERY clever real-life premise.

No problems with the writing - I think it is a bit too short - Maybe adding a call from David to his family/loved one before he realizes the doom would add a little oomph at the end.

I like the use of a historical event here.

Short but effective, though I felt the ending was ambiguous. We hear an end but while kind of obvious it didn’t really impact the way it could have.

Great writing on display though, strong dialogue and the undercurrent of knowing the outcome helps make this a good read.

Well written, but too short to really get into.

Maybe expand a little, bring one of the other mentioned characters into it.

Well written but it needs more. It needs to be made personal since, as it is, there's not enough to connect with the scientist. We need to care that he's about to be killed. Maybe he sent the other person in to his death? A guilt factor? Maybe try to contact the other person?

Good work, writer.

I wish you singled out someone and provided us with his personal story to make it more interesting and a bit more complicated than it is.

Overall too simple for me, no salt, but a good entry overall.

Really well done, super solid.

I think "volcanologist" should be in the dialogue. In an audio format, we wouldn't really know what's going on without that little dialogue line or smth.

I wanted more! I wish there was a more satisfying ending or spicier button etc.

Great stuff~

So well executed but as previously stated needed just a wee bit more.
Well done.

Not bad.  It feels like the start of a story and we we're just about to get into it before it comes to an abrupt end.

All the best.

Good stuff, just not enough of it.

You left several pages on the table which could have made all the difference. We need to care about somebody. Give us a reason to feel something when this thing blows.

I love me some volcano stuff!  ;D

I enjoyed this, felt authentic. Great job.

Hi writer,

A page and a half for such a good premise? I think you could have done a lot more with this is you used the max page count.

Not really enough to sink your teeth into IMO, I think you have a missed opportunity here, damn shame.

The writing is strong but I needed more from this.

All the best.

Wow short and sweet.

Actually too short particularly when your writing is excellent and I was just getting in to it.

Lucky Jeff isn't around to comment on your orphan on the first action block :D

Good job on entering

Short and sweet but maybe too short. I didn't have enough time to get into the characters before they were all DOOOOOMED!

Solid effort though.

Hello writer

Not gonna lie, it was a bit dull. This is an event not a story, not for me.

The writing was good though.

Best of luck

Matt

So definitely some strong writing chops on display, but I feel like the story could have had more to it.  Plus it seemed like the ending was rushed.  It goes from nothing's happening to all of a sudden all hell is breaking loose.  I would have liked a bit more of a drawn out story.  Have him realize that "oh my God, this thing is going to blow" and then how he reacts to that.

I would really be interested in a reading a longer script on this.

Best of luck with it.
Gary

As others have said, I wanted a bit more. Very well written though.

Wow, talk about a quickie. I hate quickie's. :)  

I loved the read. I have a short attention span so it was perfect.  Sure...a few more pages wouldn't hurt, but I think you accomplished what you set out to do. Effective and to the point. Great job, thoroughly enjoyed it. :)-A

Nicely written, if a little underwhelming.

More conflict needed.
I mean we go from no activity to bam! Which apparently is quite feasible.

I was a bit iffy on the 'Good God' exclamation. Might work better if muttered under breath.

The NZ White Island eruption came to mind.
Great premise. Wish you'd given it more.

https://theconversation.com/new-zealands-white-island-is-likely-to-erupt-violently-again-but-a-new-alert-system-could-give-hours-of-warning-and-save-lives-142656

Like others above, I feel this is very well written... but too short. So, to give you some (possibly) useful feedback, I'll give you my take on this as a younger non-American.

SUPER: May 18, 1980  -- this date means nothing to me.
Vancouver --  so it's set in Canada, right?
Seismograph -- and it's about an earthquake?
Dome growth -- WTF?

The only clue I get as to what this is really about is 'keep looking at that mountain'. And the only reason I know which mountain, and what happened, is because I read the log-line.

Cheers and good luck!

I liked this, despite it being a little too short for my taste. One could very easily go heavy on the technical stuff with something like this but you didn't. Very dramatic and effective.

Short, but it gets its point across just fine. However, it might work better if you situated it in it’s proper time and place. A simple way would be for Johnston to recite into a tape recorder the date, time and location of the Mount St. Helens eruption, before he calls Vancouver.

Writer,

Damn. You're gonna get a low score from me. Here's why... Your first page had this great foreboding to it, and anyone who remembers Mt St. Helens knows what was coming. You could have built on that, and continued on. You were off to a great start, and you had two plus pages left to play with. I felt the tension rise, then -- BOOM. Nothing. What a letdown. This could have been a good one.

Steve

Hi writer,

I somewhat remember this event, and watching a documentary surrounding the event you’re referring to here (final communication that is), so a retelling from another point of view is clever.

Eerie too, like listening to the actual Pripyat Evacuation Message for the Chernobyl disaster.

Seriously, this was my most well received script in an OWC thus far and I didn't break the Top 5? Oh well, guess I just gotta keep trying. At least I'm getting better.

Anyway, now I can respond to some of the feedback.

Yes, this was very short. The shortest script I have written thus far. However it appears that I was at least successful at conveying the suddenness of the eruption. I was afraid that if I made the script longer I'd be tempted to inject more technical jargon than I wanted to. I went into that territory with the "dome growth" line.

And now for the fun facts:

Quoted Text SUPER: May 18, 1980  -- this date means nothing to me. Vancouver --  so it's set in Canada, right? Seismograph -- and it's about an earthquake? Dome growth -- WTF?

May 18, 1980 was the date the eruption happened. Vancouver refers to Vancouver, WA (as noted in the script) which is located about 35 miles from Mt. St. Helens. Seismographs are used not only to monitor earthquakes but also volcanic activity as such movements cause seismic waves. For the last one I'll defer to Wikipedia:

Quoted Text By April 7, the combined crater was 1,700 by 1,200 feet (520 by 370 m) and 500 feet (150 m) deep. A USGS team determined in the last week of April that a 1.5-mile-diameter (2.4 km) section of St. Helens' north face was displaced outward by at least 270 feet (82 m). For the rest of April and early May this bulge grew by five to six feet (1.5 to 1.8 m) per day, and by mid-May it extended more than 400 feet (120 m) north. As the bulge moved northward, the summit area behind it progressively sank, forming a complex, down-dropped block called a graben. Geologists announced on April 30 that sliding of the bulge area was the greatest immediate danger and that such a landslide might spark an eruption. These changes in the volcano's shape were related to the overall deformation that increased the volume of the volcano by 0.03 cubic miles (0.13 km3) by mid-May. This volume increase presumably corresponded to the volume of magma that pushed into the volcano and deformed its surface. Because the intruding magma remained below ground and was not directly visible, it was called a cryptodome, in contrast to a true lava dome exposed at the surface.

Needless to say, the conversation depicted in the script didn't happen in real life. Johnston reported his observations to the Vancouver office at about 6 AM that morning. However the last line is in fact what he transmitted to Vancouver as the eruption was starting.

Coldwater Two was the name of the observation post which was located two miles north of the mountain.

Dan refers to Dan Miller, another USGS volcanologist based at Vancouver who was at the time of the eruption on his way to relieve Johnston.

Martin refers to Gerry Martin, a ham radio operator who was observing the mountain for the Washington Department of Emergency Services. He was located on another ridge 2 miles further north of Coldwater Two. He witnessed Johnston's position being overtaken by the ash cloud. Like Johnston, he too perished in the eruption.

And finally, Barry Voight is a geologist who famously predicted that Mt. St. Helens would erupt laterally rather than straight up. He is also the brother of actor Jon Voight and songwriter James Voight (better known as Chip Taylor).

Thanks once again everyone and see you in the next OWC!

Thanks Mark. Lots of interesting info there -- which can't, and shouldn't, be spelled out in a script, of course. Perhaps I'm not your target audience for this one. Cheers!