A Fool's Errand by Bob The Builder - Short, Comedy - Have you ever wondered what it's like to order non-existent objects? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Like the setup but the items listed are overused, needs some original items to make it funnier.

(my personal fave was always 'a bag of sparks')

Short and sweet. You still had a page and a half that you could've reeled the supervisor into the mix. I' surprised Ralph Lauren Paints haven't come up with Tartan paint yet. They've darn near everything else.

Good entry - meets the mark.

Parameters met.

Several grammar issues throughout. Example - This:

Quoted Text Please hold on sir, I’m new and learning the ropes?

Needs to be:

Please hold on, Sir.  I’m new and learning the ropes.

The story isn't quite finished in my opinion. It needs a twist at the end.

An old joke, well worn so needed a new twist at the end, try ordering a genuine item that sounds dodgy - StopCock or similar. If the operator is new then he might not know what that is and end with a short discussion with the caller getting exasperated.
Nicely written though.
Well done.

The basic idea has merit. Ordering items via the phone can be a harrowing experience for both the merchant and the customer.

Is the customer ordering nonsense items to get back at the merchant for not having the tartan paint that was available just a few weeks earlier? Or it the tartan paint itself just a nonsense item? If that's the case, the caller is just a jerk. Not sure if that's enough to carry the script.

Remove the question mark in "I'm new and learning the ropes?"

The dialogue needs to be sharpened. It feels odd for the merchant to announce his newness in the way that he does.

Hi writer,

This is humorous in its own way, the strange items that be. Tartan paint would be a hot commodity if it was sold by ‘Clans’ as opposed to colors, a ‘Clan Wheel’ if you will. Mind you, probably not a bad idea, they do have Oxford Blue you can buy, but I digress.

Rubber nails, lol… probably under the same SKU as rubber underwear. Quick, quirky read, and hits all the needed challenge parameters.

I missed the train on this one at first. Never heard of tartan before and thought it was a color lol...
Turns out it's plaid. Regional difference?

I was expecting a bigger button on this one, like that the "new guy" would give the "old guy" "the business".
Like maybe after he messes with him with the elbow grease and headlight fluid and what not, the old guy has a problem with his computer or smth.

The new guy tells him to delete system 32 or run a powerful magnet over his computer to stabilize it. lol...

Good stuff, hope this gets an update~

I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over.

There need to be some sort of story or turnaround...

It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock.

Not Bad

good job on entering

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Please hold on sir

hold on, sir.

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue.

This is a pretty old and done bit. Didn't really bring anything new to the table.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Reads like a sketch based on an old joke. I'm partial to the Two Ronnies 'Fork Handles' variation myself.

Meets the parameters, just not enough story or variation to float my particular boat.

Oh ok.

Well it's well written.

It's very well written and meets the requirements.

That's about it.

I loved the Fork Handles sketch too.
Tartan paint is funny, and you're onto something here,  but this just didn't quite hit the mark for me.

Hi Writer

If this is to be a new radio sketch then you need new material, all of these are well-known pranks, if you can find something fresh then it would be a nice sketch.

I've also seen a bucket of steam, a skirting board ladder and sparks for the grinder. In my youth I was sent to the stores to ask for a "long weight"... took me bloody ages to realize.

Anyway, best of luck with it.

So a good effort in meeting the parameters.  I liked Mark's idea that he turns the prank back on the prankster. Maybe he fulfills all the non-existent orders and then sticks him with an outrageous bill.

I think this one has some merit and just needs a little dustup to make it work.  Best of luck with it.
Gary

To be honest, I had no clue what was going on here. But reading the comments, I think I get it now... sort of. People prank hardware stores by asking for fake items? Or send kids to stores with fake shopping lists as a joke? I'm hearing these things so they must be true. I guess I learned something.

I like Gary and Irish Eye's idea about having it turned around where he fulfills the whole list.

It made me smile, so good job with the humour. I had hoped for a button on it, something to punch up the ending like it was his friends pranking him or a parent who called to wish him luck but couldn't resist pulling his leg, something to give it a story. Or if the final thing was something genuine but sounds like it's made up and he hangs up on the guy and then the supervisor comes over asking how he's doing and the kid learns it's a real thing...

It's a decent entry, it just needs something more.

I actually don't mind the caller telling old jokes... it shows what a dick he is. The humor could then be in the newbie's (unknowingly) witty replies, eg the spirit level bubble: Would you like that bubble-wrapped? Or air-freighted?.

It just needs more of a story-line... and a more satisfying ending.

The concept itself is good and the script is well-written... definitely something you could work on and have some fun with.

All the best.

Right of the top, I'll try not to reiterate other’s suggestions/observation.

For me, the problem is that the idea isn't in any way new, a running joke in need of a new pair of sneakers. It's a short so you're allowed to have a tomato surprise ending, but it should be fresh tomato. If that makes sense. Good effort though. My thoughts may not jive with the writer or the peanut gallery.  Feel free to stick more pins in the voodoo doll.:)-A

Writer,

Left handed screwdriver! Ha. You had a decent set up, but it turned out mostly to be a quick skit. Don’t know where else you could have taken this. As is, it’s cute but doesn’t pack much of a comedic punch.

Steve

Simple prank call story. Short and sweet. Innocent humor. Well written. Meets the challenge. Great job. :)

Michael is a total jerk, picking on the hapless new guy. Which is not  a bad way to go if the new guy can manage to turn the tables on Michael.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

I worked for a store called B&Q, the brits will know it.

So many kids, apprentices sent there for random requests.  Always wanted to use it in a story.

Quoted from irish eyes I'm in construction 22 years, heard these over and over and over. There need to be some sort of story or turnaround... It would work better if the new guy was able to provide everything or at least say he has everything in stock. Not Bad good job on entering

Great feedback Irish Eyes.  It certainly will turn the tables.