Thought Police by George Orwell - Short, Comedy - Can the police arrest you for your thoughts? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A wonderful premise but truth be told I was expecting more from it. What if you add to it?


I don't know what to suggest for addition though. right now it's not a story for me, it's a very small sketch.
Maybe them quarelling more, even getting in a fight with addition of a few more funny lines.

But a good premise, and what I read was all good and fun. just want more I guess.

There's nothing in the execution of this that demonstrates that this is audio only, in fact it actually has an action line that says...

Officer McCann walks over to the vehicle.

Sorry, no furry dice for me.

Oh, this had so much promise! The potential for debate between the officer and dispatch was lost for a discussion of inner monologue and expressed thought. And so many more pages to play with! Sad face. Hit the drawing board again and see what you come up with.

Great attempt, just needs more. Good work, writer.

I heard this story in the form of a joke a few years ago. Still funny though.
Well done.

Although the premise is good, I have heard a version of this before - so, it didn't quite land for me. i.e., I already knew the punchline.

This is the second script in a row that I've read that feels like it's just a rewriting of a joke in script form. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan.

Hi writer,

An Orwellian-Dystopian message, nice. That’s redundant though… Orwellian-Dystopian. Like being compartmentalized to the ‘Department of Redundancy Department’. It immediately reminded me of the Dream Police by Cheap Trick…

The dream police, they live inside of my head
The dream police, they come to me in my bed
The dream police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no!

That song is about a paranoid man who is convinced that his dreams are being monitored, and it's driving him insane. No matter what he does, the "Dream Police" are always inside his head and waiting to arrest him.

But here, your antag has a paranoia of someone arresting him for his thoughts, which is funny, surreal, and dark at the same time, and has potential if fleshed out with more visuals and a backstory.

Imaginative entry for this challenge, just needs a bit more sauce thrown on it, like a page or two more, which you had. Still, its got that cog in the dystopian machine thing going on. Best of luck.

Well, I enjoyed it. I see in the comments it's based on a well known joke, not sure how to tweak cuz the setup and punchline were the best part for me. I guess you can play around with the officer and dispatch conversation, maybe add some onlookers to the scene that get involved? I dunno, felt more like a sketch but I still enjoyed it quite a bit.

I thought i was getting ready to read Sci fi or a Thriller but turned out to be aged joke.

The logline had be intrigued, sadly the script didn't.

Good job on entering

Eh. Not much here, and was is here is kinda' sloppy. You met the challenge, so there's that. Solid concept, just needs a rewrite or two. Good effort. :)

Hi writer,

Yeah that's a nope from me.

This one really didn't land for me in any way, sorry.

All the best.

Meets the parameters and flowed well, just seemed like a sketch. Based on everything going on at the moment with the police, it seems highly unlikely that they contact their superiors to ask permission to arrest someone for being a dick, so it fell a bit flat for me.

Hello writer

I must be slow, people are saying it's a joke, not heard the joke before and I'm not sure what the joke is, to be honest.

Best of luck with it though.

I liked how this started, but I wanted that huge punchline.

I was hoping at the end, the police officer would say something like:
"Huh, so I can't arrest them. 10-4. Anyway, can you send EMS because I shot him in the face a couple times"

Good stuff, hope it gets another pass~

I kinda liked the build-up, wondering where is this going? But when it neared the punchline, and I've heard it before, it just fell flat.

I don't mind gags in scripts, even if I've heard them... but only as incidental to the main story. To write a whole script around a gag... hmmm... it would need to be an amazing joke, and totally original.

Still, not a bad effort with the writing. Good luck.

Short and sweet. Good opening lines. Not resonating with me for some reason.

My my my. And my.

Quoted Text OFFICER MCCANN Dispatch, I need to doublecheck if I can arrest someone for their thoughts?

LMAO. That is hilarious. This was worth reading just for this alone.

But you too, me thinks a better punchline is needed. It's a short so you're allowed to have a tomato surprise ending, but it has to be fresh tomato. Even a green tomato would work. Claudio had a nice suggestion. That said,  I enjoyed the read nonetheless. Best of irish luck with it.;D-A
.

I liked it. And I’m not proud of it.

Writer,

Comedy did not work for me. The officer's talking about the thoughts of the suspect, but it's really his actual language that seems to be the issue, not his thoughts. Glad the officer gave the man a piece of his mind, but it doesn't translate to the comedy you were angling for. In short, nice try, but it doesn't work.

Steve

Not much here really. It's like a joke but the punchline didn't land well, it kind of fizzled. I hope it was fun to write at least, it seems like it was.

Cheers for the feedback everyone.

This is an odd one.

I've never heard this mentioned as a joke.  I have however worked with a police officer who was asked this question.  I thought it was brilliant.  Always wanted to use it.  Seems like life imitating art.  Or some chap copying the joke.

I doubt I'll rewrite this one.