Crossed Lines by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A father races against the clock to save his child as a mother waits in vain. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Dude. Thought I'd check this out.

Page 2.

EXT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT

The vehicle races along a narrow country road.


I could be wrong, but I've always been thought it reads better like this.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

A pickup truck races along the narrow road.


Probably just a personal preference. Take it with a grain of salt. The way you wrote it is fine and I'm seeing what you want me to. :)

Finished. Extremely well-written, very visual. Also managed to get a good amount of suspense out of the set up. But I'm not sure I understand the twist. Was Jessop not talking to Miriam? Or was he talking to Ingrid the whole time? If that's the case, I'm not sure what the point of Miriam and Andy's scenes were. Misdirection? And who was the figure in the road? Sorry if it seems like I'm poking holes. Not my intention.

Hmm, I enjoyed the writing here much more than the story. Then again, I'm all foam and no beer, so maybe I'm missing something. Will be interested to hear what others think. :)

Hey, Warren, gave this a read.

Very decent writing with an interesting premise. What I make of the story is that - the misdirection at the end is hundred percent legit. I think Jessop was talking with Miriam and when the figure on the road caused him the accident, he probably drifted the wrong way(coz of the injuries and all) and ended up at the wrong cabin. And Miriam gets killed by their child.

That's what I think. Anyways, it was an interesting read.

Good luck.

Good tension filled story, kept me engrossed.
'Shoes hammer down on concrete' - Really emphasises the urgency of the situation. Nice, I liked that.
One tiny thing to note is to put an 's' on the end of the word increase.
        'As Jessop nears the building he increases his speed.
I'm sure you already do but always remember to double check spelling. I made quite a funny error when I was talking about one of my characters in my story. I said, 'he is curled up in a fecal position instead of fetal! You live and learn!
Nice work.

So this was my original entry for the April Quickie challenge, before I understood the requirements properly. So here we have all the dialogue taking place between two people across and electronic communication system. When I wrote this I thought it could have visuals.

Quoted from Zack Hey, Dude. Thought I'd check this out. Page 2. EXT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT The vehicle races along a narrow country road. I could be wrong, but I've always been thought it reads better like this. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT A pickup truck races along the narrow road. Probably just a personal preference. Take it with a grain of salt. The way you wrote it is fine and I'm seeing what you want me to. :) Finished. Extremely well-written, very visual. Also managed to get a good amount of suspense out of the set up. But I'm not sure I understand the twist. Was Jessop not talking to Miriam? Or was he talking to Ingrid the whole time? If that's the case, I'm not sure what the point of Miriam and Andy's scenes were. Misdirection? And who was the figure in the road? Sorry if it seems like I'm poking holes. Not my intention. Hmm, I enjoyed the writing here much more than the story. Then again, I'm all foam and no beer, so maybe I'm missing something. Will be interested to hear what others think. :)

Thanks for taking a look.

100% right on the slug, that was my mistake. This was pretty rushed as it was an idea I just needed to get rid off.

Yeah the idea is that Jessop is always only talking to Ingrid, but we see two sides of a similar conversation... what I mean is that something has happened (The Event) and it is affecting people somehow. We have town in ruin and these two kids that have similar symptoms. We also have what looks like a fever and Jessop is trying to get antibiotics. We don't know Ingrid exists at this point so we are meant to think that Jessop is racing to get back to Miriam and her child. But we see that he in fact was racing to get back to Ingrid. The initial misdirect is that he was never talking to Miriam, but because something is happening (The Event) it's possible that many people are having similar conversations. The 'twist' is that the kids don't just have a fever but something else is going on and the antibiotics wont to a thing, we see this as Miriam's kid progress further along with the symptoms.

God-damn that's convoluted haha. It seemed better in my head, and like I said it was just an idea I needed to get out.

Quoted from Yuvraj Hey, Warren, gave this a read. Very decent writing with an interesting premise. What I make of the story is that - the misdirection at the end is hundred percent legit. I think Jessop was talking with Miriam and when the figure on the road caused him the accident, he probably drifted the wrong way(coz of the injuries and all) and ended up at the wrong cabin. And Miriam gets killed by their child. That's what I think. Anyways, it was an interesting read. Good luck.

Thanks for checking this out.

Not quite, I did mean for him to just be talking to Ingrid, but this actually works either way :)

Quoted from AlexanderLR Good tension filled story, kept me engrossed. 'Shoes hammer down on concrete' - Really emphasises the urgency of the situation. Nice, I liked that. One tiny thing to note is to put an 's' on the end of the word increase.         'As Jessop nears the building he increases his speed. I'm sure you already do but always remember to double check spelling. I made quite a funny error when I was talking about one of my characters in my story. I said, 'he is curled up in a fecal position instead of fetal! You live and learn! Nice work.

Thanks for the read. This probably needs another good edit, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a bit of a rush job :)

Maybe the figure in the road is the person that Miriam was talking to on the phone? Just spitballing. :)

Quoted from Zack Maybe the figure in the road is the person that Miriam was talking to on the phone? Just spitballing. :)

Could be... This could probably be longer and be given a bit more context but I really just don't have much energy for horror writing these days. I think I went too hard in the early years that now I'm horrored-out. I am thankful to those horrors though as they make up most of my produced shorts.

It's still by far my favourite genre to watch and always will be, but writing it just doesn't really interest me anymore. I even have a 60 or 70 page unfinished horror feature lying around somewhere. Maybe you should take a look and see if it's worth finishing.

Quoted from Warren It's still by far my favourite genre to watch and always will be, but writing it just doesn't really interest me anymore. I even have a 60 or 70 page unfinished horror feature lying around somewhere. Maybe you should take a look and see if it's worth finishing.

Absolutely! Send it on over. :)

Quoted from Zack Absolutely! Send it on over. :)

I'll see if I can find it, I can't even remember what the title is, or if I even gave it one, but it will be in my script file. Will send it when I get home.

This is pretty good writing Warren. Very suspenseful. I like your flow, it's one of the trickiest things to get right IMO, nothing stalls, it moves nicely.

What I took from the story is that Jessup just ended up at the wrong place, at another cabin that just happened to have another Mother and child, it wouldn't be too far fetched. Was I correct in this assumption? It would add a layer of tragedy to it.

A Warren short in the regular scripts section? Reminds me of when you'd throw a short up and it would get optioned in less than thirty minutes. Good times.

Very visual writing. I understood everything you wanted me too with the initial misdirection and it being a different family he's been talking to the whole time. I didn't make the final connection that both families are doomed. Makes sense that the antibiotics wouldn't work, but for some reason my brain didn't make that leap.

Anyways, was a fun read.

Solid work as always.

I think there is an opportunity to add one additional oomph. That is when Jessup reaches the pharmacy - he discovers that another man has already just taken the last bottle - now the moral decision - does he steal/take it from him???

Quoted from eldave1 Solid work as always. I think there is an opportunity to add one additional oomph. That is when Jessup reaches the pharmacy - he discovers that another man has already just taken the last bottle - now the moral decision - does he steal/take it from him???

This is a good suggestion. Maybe the figure is the other man?

Quoted from Zack This is a good suggestion. Maybe the figure is the other man?

yes -

Quoted from Lono This is pretty good writing Warren. Very suspenseful. I like your flow, it's one of the trickiest things to get right IMO, nothing stalls, it moves nicely. What I took from the story is that Jessup just ended up at the wrong place, at another cabin that just happened to have another Mother and child, it wouldn't be too far fetched. Was I correct in this assumption? It would add a layer of tragedy to it.

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked it.

It's not what I meant to happen, but you're the second person to think that :) so maybe it's up for interpretation.

Quoted from MarkItZero A Warren short in the regular scripts section? Reminds me of when you'd throw a short up and it would get optioned in less than thirty minutes. Good times. Very visual writing. I understood everything you wanted me too with the initial misdirection and it being a different family he's been talking to the whole time. I didn't make the final connection that both families are doomed. Makes sense that the antibiotics wouldn't work, but for some reason my brain didn't make that leap. Anyways, was a fun read.

Ha, damn those were the days, they feel long passed now.

I think there are a few areas that need a bit of clarification on this one.

Thank, mate!

Quoted from eldave1 Solid work as always. I think there is an opportunity to add one additional oomph. That is when Jessup reaches the pharmacy - he discovers that another man has already just taken the last bottle - now the moral decision - does he steal/take it from him???

Thanks, Dave :)

That addition would definitely be a great plot point, thanks!

Quoted from Warren Thanks, Dave :) That addition would definitely be a great plot point, thanks!

My pleasure

Had to suss out the ending via the other readers' comments. I put that down more to me being rusty with script reading than the script.

It's a good little short, and I think Dave's suggestion is a good one that would add more oomph. It would also tie up the two families neater if Jessop takes the medication off the man (father to the other mother and son), and we see through a photograph of them together with the father exactly who he has deprived. Could be an arresting last image.

Quoted from Andrew Had to suss out the ending via the other readers' comments. I put that down more to me being rusty with script reading than the script. It's a good little short, and I think Dave's suggestion is a good one that would add more oomph. It would also tie up the two families neater if Jessop takes the medication off the man (father to the other mother and son), and we see through a photograph of them together with the father exactly who he has deprived. Could be an arresting last image.

Thanks for the read, that's an excellent way to go. I'm definitely going to use that.

Quoted from Warren Thanks for the read, that's an excellent way to go. I'm definitely going to use that.

No worries, hope to see it produced.