Sticks and Stones - Print Topic

Hey Eric,

Read your script. Liked it. It worked for me. Enjoyable read.

Like your style of writing. Engaging for the most part. It throws you
into twists and turns, keep flipping the pages. so much corruption,
hush-hush, "cases" swept under the rug and buried.
It really gets going when Jake meets Charlie Ferris. Maybe get to Cahill
in the barn a little bit quicker.

Dialogue, certainly a strong point (Curly's dialogue was a blast to read),
natural and easy flowing.
Pretty cool with the mirror set-up. Tone was set early.

Some nit-picks and misc, stuff.
* Recommend copyright and maybe an e-mail on cover page.
P1: In Action, using "is/isn't/are/aren't/does/doesn't" tells the reader
more than showing.
General: Get rid of verbs ending in -ing, keep it present tense, not present progressive/continuous
(ex: twirls not twirling), a few of these throughout.
General: I'd disable CONT'D in Final draft, not really used anymore.
General: There are quite a few orphans throughout, sometimes 3-4 on a page. It eats up real estate.
I would try to minimize it.
P1: "Inside sit two of..", is the following dialogue happening inside the car? If so, slug needed.
General: Most characters were introduced with first and last names, but referred to sometimes by
first name and sometimes by last name, made it a little bit tough in the beginning to keep track of the characters.
P4: INT. CURLY'S BBQ AND COUNTRY STORE - MORNING
P5: EXT. CURLY'S BBQ - REAR LOT - MORNING, be consistent in slug naming.
P10: UNIFORM DEPUTY, give the guy an age even if he's got a minor part, he's got dialogue.
P14: Instead of "convo.", I'd write conversation (a few others throughout).
P16: EXT. PRIVATE DIRT ROAD - DAY, "Road" repeats in action, avoid.
P16/17: A mini slug for KITCHEN might be better than a complete slug.
P41: "CORRIE Would you look at that. May." -- something missing?
P42: Nice little reveal, "sticks and stones."
P53: I would be consistent with slugs, "EXT. HOME OF CHARLIE FERRIS - MORNING" VS
"INT. CHARLIE'S HOME - KITCHEN - DAY" -- it's understood, but cleaner if consistent.
General: Sonofabitch instead Son of a bitch (maybe hyphenate). t shirt instead t-shirt. U turn instead U-turn.
P81: BURKE dialogue "you guys are just know learning about this" -- swap know for now.
P99/100: WOODS and LAKE used in slugs and actions.
P100-102: Even if it was understood, I'd prefer a FLASHBACK instead of "FOURTEEN YEARS EARLIER."
P111: When Jake slaps the hell out of Jenn, shouldn't that be a FLASHBACK?

As I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is really good. natural, flows well.
I would consider scaling back on some of the dialogue, there is quite a bit of exposure. Some of
the chit chat could be streamlined without taking anything away from the story (Jake meets Charlie
Ferris, that's 15 pages mostly dialogue). In that same context, is the plane ride necessary, could
be exposed in dialogue in a few lines. I see what you are doing and I like the showing better, just
an idea.
Some dialogue seems to have a double-space after a period??

My biggest gripe is the action.
Some telling is acceptable, at least in my opinion, depending on how the telling is composed.
Character descriptions, some telling might be fine, but throughout this script I came across
too many unfilmable scenes, that wouldn't show up on film, cause they are told. Tighter action
lines, showing us what is taken place would in my opinion clean up and streamline the script better.

All in all a good script. Liked the way you peeled off layers to expose what was going on. Even
Jake wasn't that clean.

You planning on a sequel, the way it ended?

Good luck.

Frank