Sticks and Stones by Eric Dickson - Thriller - A Florida Sheriff's Deputy returns to his hometown to reconnect with his estranged wife and becomes embroiled in a missing person's case. 130 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Solid script a few typos

Hey Eric,

Read your script. Liked it. It worked for me. Enjoyable read.

Like your style of writing. Engaging for the most part. It throws you
into twists and turns, keep flipping the pages. so much corruption,
hush-hush, "cases" swept under the rug and buried.
It really gets going when Jake meets Charlie Ferris. Maybe get to Cahill
in the barn a little bit quicker.

Dialogue, certainly a strong point (Curly's dialogue was a blast to read),
natural and easy flowing.
Pretty cool with the mirror set-up. Tone was set early.

Some nit-picks and misc, stuff.
* Recommend copyright and maybe an e-mail on cover page.
P1: In Action, using "is/isn't/are/aren't/does/doesn't" tells the reader
more than showing.
General: Get rid of verbs ending in -ing, keep it present tense, not present progressive/continuous
(ex: twirls not twirling), a few of these throughout.
General: I'd disable CONT'D in Final draft, not really used anymore.
General: There are quite a few orphans throughout, sometimes 3-4 on a page. It eats up real estate.
I would try to minimize it.
P1: "Inside sit two of..", is the following dialogue happening inside the car? If so, slug needed.
General: Most characters were introduced with first and last names, but referred to sometimes by
first name and sometimes by last name, made it a little bit tough in the beginning to keep track of the characters.
P4: INT. CURLY'S BBQ AND COUNTRY STORE - MORNING
P5: EXT. CURLY'S BBQ - REAR LOT - MORNING, be consistent in slug naming.
P10: UNIFORM DEPUTY, give the guy an age even if he's got a minor part, he's got dialogue.
P14: Instead of "convo.", I'd write conversation (a few others throughout).
P16: EXT. PRIVATE DIRT ROAD - DAY, "Road" repeats in action, avoid.
P16/17: A mini slug for KITCHEN might be better than a complete slug.
P41: "CORRIE Would you look at that. May." -- something missing?
P42: Nice little reveal, "sticks and stones."
P53: I would be consistent with slugs, "EXT. HOME OF CHARLIE FERRIS - MORNING" VS
"INT. CHARLIE'S HOME - KITCHEN - DAY" -- it's understood, but cleaner if consistent.
General: Sonofabitch instead Son of a bitch (maybe hyphenate). t shirt instead t-shirt. U turn instead U-turn.
P81: BURKE dialogue "you guys are just know learning about this" -- swap know for now.
P99/100: WOODS and LAKE used in slugs and actions.
P100-102: Even if it was understood, I'd prefer a FLASHBACK instead of "FOURTEEN YEARS EARLIER."
P111: When Jake slaps the hell out of Jenn, shouldn't that be a FLASHBACK?

As I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is really good. natural, flows well.
I would consider scaling back on some of the dialogue, there is quite a bit of exposure. Some of
the chit chat could be streamlined without taking anything away from the story (Jake meets Charlie
Ferris, that's 15 pages mostly dialogue). In that same context, is the plane ride necessary, could
be exposed in dialogue in a few lines. I see what you are doing and I like the showing better, just
an idea.
Some dialogue seems to have a double-space after a period??

My biggest gripe is the action.
Some telling is acceptable, at least in my opinion, depending on how the telling is composed.
Character descriptions, some telling might be fine, but throughout this script I came across
too many unfilmable scenes, that wouldn't show up on film, cause they are told. Tighter action
lines, showing us what is taken place would in my opinion clean up and streamline the script better.

All in all a good script. Liked the way you peeled off layers to expose what was going on. Even
Jake wasn't that clean.

You planning on a sequel, the way it ended?

Good luck.

Frank

Thanks, Frank.  

I've been throwing up a lot of first drafts lately, just getting a bit lazy and complacent in a lot of ways, trying to do too much at once.  This was a definite first draft script, and, like you said, needs more action to break up the more expository dialogue.  

Appreciate it.

Quoted from FrankH Hey Eric, Read your script. Liked it. It worked for me. Enjoyable read. Like your style of writing. Engaging for the most part. It throws you into twists and turns, keep flipping the pages. so much corruption, hush-hush, "cases" swept under the rug and buried. It really gets going when Jake meets Charlie Ferris. Maybe get to Cahill in the barn a little bit quicker. Dialogue, certainly a strong point (Curly's dialogue was a blast to read), natural and easy flowing. Pretty cool with the mirror set-up. Tone was set early. Some nit-picks and misc, stuff. * Recommend copyright and maybe an e-mail on cover page. P1: In Action, using "is/isn't/are/aren't/does/doesn't" tells the reader more than showing. General: Get rid of verbs ending in -ing, keep it present tense, not present progressive/continuous (ex: twirls not twirling), a few of these throughout. General: I'd disable CONT'D in Final draft, not really used anymore. General: There are quite a few orphans throughout, sometimes 3-4 on a page. It eats up real estate. I would try to minimize it. P1: "Inside sit two of..", is the following dialogue happening inside the car? If so, slug needed. General: Most characters were introduced with first and last names, but referred to sometimes by first name and sometimes by last name, made it a little bit tough in the beginning to keep track of the characters. P4: INT. CURLY'S BBQ AND COUNTRY STORE - MORNING P5: EXT. CURLY'S BBQ - REAR LOT - MORNING, be consistent in slug naming. P10: UNIFORM DEPUTY, give the guy an age even if he's got a minor part, he's got dialogue. P14: Instead of "convo.", I'd write conversation (a few others throughout). P16: EXT. PRIVATE DIRT ROAD - DAY, "Road" repeats in action, avoid. P16/17: A mini slug for KITCHEN might be better than a complete slug. P41: "CORRIE Would you look at that. May." -- something missing? P42: Nice little reveal, "sticks and stones." P53: I would be consistent with slugs, "EXT. HOME OF CHARLIE FERRIS - MORNING" VS "INT. CHARLIE'S HOME - KITCHEN - DAY" -- it's understood, but cleaner if consistent. General: Sonofabitch instead Son of a bitch (maybe hyphenate). t shirt instead t-shirt. U turn instead U-turn. P81: BURKE dialogue "you guys are just know learning about this" -- swap know for now. P99/100: WOODS and LAKE used in slugs and actions. P100-102: Even if it was understood, I'd prefer a FLASHBACK instead of "FOURTEEN YEARS EARLIER." P111: When Jake slaps the hell out of Jenn, shouldn't that be a FLASHBACK? As I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is really good. natural, flows well. I would consider scaling back on some of the dialogue, there is quite a bit of exposure. Some of the chit chat could be streamlined without taking anything away from the story (Jake meets Charlie Ferris, that's 15 pages mostly dialogue). In that same context, is the plane ride necessary, could be exposed in dialogue in a few lines. I see what you are doing and I like the showing better, just an idea. Some dialogue seems to have a double-space after a period?? My biggest gripe is the action. Some telling is acceptable, at least in my opinion, depending on how the telling is composed. Character descriptions, some telling might be fine, but throughout this script I came across too many unfilmable scenes, that wouldn't show up on film, cause they are told. Tighter action lines, showing us what is taken place would in my opinion clean up and streamline the script better. All in all a good script. Liked the way you peeled off layers to expose what was going on. Even Jake wasn't that clean. You planning on a sequel, the way it ended? Good luck. Frank

I just finished a rewrite on this after four years.  I'll send you the latest if you're still around.

Dear Eric,
The opening scene is all show - I like the touch of the sound abberation accompanying the general desolation of the place - so you can write show, then the opening dialogue goes wierd! For Corry's irony he could say "Ain't this a slice of heaven." Jake's reply "This tedpid burrito?!" then Jake's "I'm a man without a home" sets the mood (and intrigue) perfectly. For dialogue we just need the gist, as this backs up the action.
P6 is this a typo - Trey books it out the back.
I think Curly should also say "We all got choices." during the stick up so that this is the P9 echo back to Dawn.
P16 antagonize / grab maybe . . . as the sharp branches tickle his windshield. . . !!
Watch the tempo of your dialogue. You have a habit of three's - so this sets a rhythm. Clause / info one two three - one two three --
I feel the Ferris and jake in the toolshed confession is just a little too easy. . . .
Typo P66 He was his ride home, Jake.
"" P73 a victim. Let around by the nose
I think that the first appearence of UKnowWho on P80 is a tad disingenuous as it gives the final scene a "with one jump he was free" feel which doesn't play out well with audiences. Needs another tightening pass but good stuff. Best --

Quoted from JtF Dear Eric, The opening scene is all show - I like the touch of the sound abberation accompanying the general desolation of the place - so you can write show, then the opening dialogue goes wierd! For Corry's irony he could say "Ain't this a slice of heaven." Jake's reply "This tedpid burrito?!" then Jake's "I'm a man without a home" sets the mood (and intrigue) perfectly. For dialogue we just need the gist, as this backs up the action. P6 is this a typo - Trey books it out the back. I think Curly should also say "We all got choices." during the stick up so that this is the P9 echo back to Dawn. P16 antagonize / grab maybe . . . as the sharp branches tickle his windshield. . . !! Watch the tempo of your dialogue. You have a habit of three's - so this sets a rhythm. Clause / info one two three - one two three -- I feel the Ferris and jake in the toolshed confession is just a little too easy. . . . Typo P66 He was his ride home, Jake. "" P73 a victim. Let around by the nose I think that the first appearence of UKnowWho on P80 is a tad disingenuous as it gives the final scene a "with one jump he was free" feel which doesn't play out well with audiences. Needs another tightening pass but good stuff. Best --

Yeah this is a first draft from 4 years ago.  I did a major overhaul and haven't posted it yet due to the one week challenge.  Can I email you the latest draft from this year?  I just got the itch to fix this thing.  

Hey, Eric.

Is the latest rewrite posted on this site/thread?

Frank

Quoted from FrankH Hey, Eric. Is the latest rewrite posted on this site/thread? Frank

I submitted it a couple days ago and it hasn't been posted yet.  I did a ton of work on this thing.  This first draft is definitely rough.  

This still isn't the correct draft.  I don't know why.  I'll make one more attempt and give up I guess.

Try doing a hard refresh on your browser.

Don

Sounds like Don posted it.
I’ll take a look at it.

Cool.  Yeah I just refreshed the browser a few times and it popped up.

Eric,

I sent you a PM.

Frank

Hi, Eric.

Really liked Jake's comments in conclusion, drawing the contrast between good people dying of guilt for bad things they've done… and purely evil people. And it turns out that we've been concerned throughout the story with the former, whom we mistakenly assumed to be the latter (all because we believed Charlie too easily). While in the meantime we've been pretty much unaware of the existence of the truly evil people – until the very end when Jake catches on and sets up and catches them in the act.

I think this story design is great – letting our focus on the wrong people take up most of the script, as we learn the truth behind the legend of hometown hero Walter Findlay. But I think there also needs to be at least some more indication of the ongoing activities of the purely evil people. Should be a reference to the interstate abductions early on, probably before Jake even discovers Jimmy's body. Right now the first we hear of these cases is on page 66, when Billy brings it up out of the blue. The episode on pp. 18-20 should also be followed later by another episode that is connected in some way. In my humble opinion, anyhow, for whatever it's worth….

And what about the bodies of the girls killed by the evil ones, does a body ever turn up? And what about their cars? And again… what about the smart phone photos taken of them by the killers? None of this is mentioned at all….

Finally, of course, there's one even more obvious problem with this theme in the story – the bit about the crosses with the white stones at their bases. The first we hear of this is on page 84, after Billy has pulled into the rest stop, and "Jake's attention [is] immediately drawn to a LARGE WOODEN CROSS MEMORIAL with a white stone base." And then, when Billy joins him, he asks "That look familiar?" And I don't get this, it hasn't been set up well. The only thing he could possibly be referring to here, from what happened earlier in the script itself, is that cross he found at Jimmy Cahill's place. No white stones there, though, and that cross was over a grave. The grave of a dog, at that.

The crosses with white stones at their bases are interesting. But I think they need to be incorporated into the story more smoothly (while of course trying to tie them to Jimmy and Terry). Maybe also with a little more wondering about the killers' (Jimmy's and Terry's at first) motives for erecting them, and for laying flowers on them on the anniversaries of the girls' disappearances. It was in celebration, surely, not guilt....

One more question I had with the true evildoers theme in the story was how Jake figured out who they were. My guess is that Billy modified Jimmy's car, in a way that would only make sense if Jimmy and Terry had actually been abducting girls like Charlie said. And so when Charlie admitted he'd been lying about that… BAM! Do I have this right? It's never actually made explicit, and I think it should be – probably in that final scene between Jake and Billy.

Have to admit I don't understand the title, either. The rhyme goes "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names (we used to say 'words') will never hurt me." The first part has been spelled out on Jimmy's refrigerator (by Charlie I guess, but I don't know why), and Jake seems to find some meaning in it on pp. 38-39, in relation to the midnight dog's grave episode, but I didn't get it at all. Thought for a moment the title is maybe a reference to the crosses with the white "stones" at their bases, but those crosses are not made of sticks. Am I missing something?

Anyway, that's my basic quick take on your script. And here are a couple of other thoughts that came to me while reading it:

p. 3 – You say that Dawn "notices Jake." But I guess what really happens is that Jake sees her peering out the window at their police SUV, without seeing him specifically. And then, of course, when we get her POV a bit later and she looks back at the front lot, their SUV has now vanished.

p. 9 – Not familiar with the name "Myka," so assumed it was a guy. Probably that's just me, but in her description you could eliminate possible confusion by saying "…full sleeve tatts; she's as hard and mean as any man in the house."

p. 19 – She "spots her car at the bottom of a ravine." I guess it's pulled over to the side of a road – I-75 itself or some side road? Also wondered about him leaving his lights "still spinning bright" behind her car while he's off in the woods chasing her; couldn't possible witnesses take notice of this?

pp. 19, 20 – When you "don" clothes, I think it means that you are putting them on, not already wearing them….

p. 20 – Maybe Terry's age should be given more precisely than "20s"… I think he's almost 30, isn't he?

p. 24 – "Billy watches them all. A real careful eye." Good, we need this kind of subtle indication of Billy's unique concern.

p. 25 – Jenn: "I didn't tell you to stop calling your daughter. You thought she was confused before? How do you think she feels now?" Good talk between them at the end of the big event, helping us see where their relationship stands.

p. 28 – "It says – You found me." If it was me, I would change "It says" to something like "There are three words scrawled on the back, and they say – "

pp. 31-34 – Liked the interaction between Jake and this Donninger character.

p. 36 – Wonder if finding out who's in that grave is such an urgent matter that they have to dig it up in the cold and rain the same night Jake discovers it. Can’t that wait until morning? Olivia's been missing for 14 years already.

p. 37 – "It's like a dog or something." Good dashing of our expectations. Cracked up at Billy's "Woof woof" line.

pp. 41-44 – Good scene at the Sheriff's Office, bringing Charlie Ferris into the story although at the time we have no idea why.

p. 55 – C: "… that's all it was… A mistake. But that mistake soon became a lifestyle." Good lines here.

p. 56 – C: "You know I won't live long enough to make my statement, Jake. And you won't live long enough to record it." But… I'm not feeling that much danger here; hard to believe there's a risk they'll be killed for threatening Walter's legacy. Is Charlie exaggerating to persuade Jake (who doesn't know because he just got back after 10 years MIA)? Or maybe Charlie really believes it after being out of touch so long with his former friends at the sheriff's department?

p. 64 – J: "Did he ask you why you needed the garage?" B: "Nope. And I didn't ask him why his little girl was doing 75 in a school zone." Good line.

p. 65 – "Billy removes the lining cover and exposes a large metal spike bolted into the floor. Around this spike, a white bungee cord is tied in a most complicated knot." Billy installed this stuff in the car himself, right, to make it look like Jimmy and Terry were abducting girls? And this is how Jake finally knows he's the killer? Not sure that's your intent but if so, nice irony - Charlie's lies did keep the cops busy investigating imaginary crimes, but they also resulted in the end in the catching and execution of the perpetrators of the real crimes….

pp. 68-71 – Liked the interaction between Terry and the cheerleader.

Pp. 75-76 – Wouldn't think a school resource officer would have more authority than the county sheriff's department. Guess I'd be wrong?

pp. 80-81 – J: "Barbie Kesser, college student en route to the University of Miami… Checked into the Blue Bird Motel… one hour and five minutes later, making an ATM withdrawal at a strip mall… east of the motel." Okay, good detail – finally something connected to that killing we saw on pp. 18-20. Might mention where she's from, too. And what happened to her car….

p. 81 – "Billy squirms in his seat, uncomfortable." Then tries to change the subject. So I guess that's a subtle tell.

p. 94 – T: "Jake's been… how do you say… connecting some dots that, in his mind, lead directly back to me." Good Terry dialogue here. When I first read it I assumed he was faking his shock at this. But it turns out he's been set up by Charlie, and has no idea why Jake is accusing him. I'd be shocked and desperate, too. Not quite sure why he tells Jenn that Jake's been drinking, though. I'm not believing that Sheriff Greer spread that lie around….

p. 103 – Caslin: "As soon as [Terry] turns up, we'll know something." Not clear to me why Terry has gone into hiding; he wasn't the one who attacked Jenn….

p. 109 – B: "Dawn posed for this picture. We were right. It was a fake. Photoshopped." So that means Charlie has photoshopping skills? Might not expect that in an old guy. Wonder if you should set it up by Jake noticing some sophisticated computer equipment at Charlie's house when he visits him early on….

pp. 116-17 – C: "There were no victims. There never was. Well. Just the one. And we know what happened to her, don't we?" Really important lines here, the big reveal. But raises some new questions. It's not clear anymore why Charlie has done all of this. Has Terry truly been miserable? He wasn't actually abducting and killing girls with Jimmy, and he seemed to have a good life as a respected high school coach…. And why did Charlie kill Jimmy? Because he was a bad influence on Terry anyway? Unless I missed it, I don't think the script ever answers these questions – 1) what was Terry doing that made Charlie think he was miserable and therefore needed to turn himself in to Sheriff Greer? 2) Why did Charlie kill Jimmy (we've only heard Charlie's lie about the reason for this to Jake)? Or is it maybe that Charlie is just crazy with his own personal guilt for what happened to Terry's folks? Or maybe he killed Jimmy in revenge for what Jimmy got Terry in to 15 years ago?

p. 120 – Greer: "JP runs in, spots old Walter just moments before driving that old blade into his old lady. And he…" shot him! Really nice twist; totally unexpected.

p. 126 – J: "You handed me this whole thing on a platter. But I was too focused on Terry." Might help to explain exactly how Billy handed it to Jake on a platter. I've got theories, but I'm not sure they're right.

p. 126 – J: "Charlie's little movie must have put you right over the edge…. Taking credit for your work." But… the sense I got was that Billy WANTED someone else to "take credit for" his work. He was trying to pin it on Jimmy and Terry. Which, of course, was what got him caught. Did I misunderstand?

p. 128 – B: "I just realized something. It would be pretty stupid of me if I just blew my brains out without even trying." Good line, and I agree with him. If the choice is between forced suicide and at least trying to survive….


So… hope you find something in all of this that helps you improve your interesting script. Although I may of course be wrong about everything, and in that case you won't. Best of luck with it in either case, Eric.

Michael

Thank you so much for your time and your thoughtful notes.  I definitely feel you've touched on some problem areas that had to do with me cutting too much out and trimming down page length.  I think in the next draft I'll trim and trim the Charlie Ferris scene and focus more on integrating the whole STICKS AND STONES theme into the story, making it a lot clearer earlier on that our killer is marking his graves.  Also hinting at their meaning with relation to motivation.  

As usual I let the page count get away from me and tried to tie everything up a little too easily.  I'm definitely considering your notes in moving forward.

Eric

Quoted from Michael_C Hi, Eric. Really liked Jake's comments in conclusion, drawing the contrast between good people dying of guilt for bad things they've done… and purely evil people. And it turns out that we've been concerned throughout the story with the former, whom we mistakenly assumed to be the latter (all because we believed Charlie too easily). While in the meantime we've been pretty much unaware of the existence of the truly evil people – until the very end when Jake catches on and sets up and catches them in the act. I think this story design is great – letting our focus on the wrong people take up most of the script, as we learn the truth behind the legend of hometown hero Walter Findlay. But I think there also needs to be at least some more indication of the ongoing activities of the purely evil people. Should be a reference to the interstate abductions early on, probably before Jake even discovers Jimmy's body. Right now the first we hear of these cases is on page 66, when Billy brings it up out of the blue. The episode on pp. 18-20 should also be followed later by another episode that is connected in some way. In my humble opinion, anyhow, for whatever it's worth…. And what about the bodies of the girls killed by the evil ones, does a body ever turn up? And what about their cars? And again… what about the smart phone photos taken of them by the killers? None of this is mentioned at all…. Finally, of course, there's one even more obvious problem with this theme in the story – the bit about the crosses with the white stones at their bases. The first we hear of this is on page 84, after Billy has pulled into the rest stop, and "Jake's attention [is] immediately drawn to a LARGE WOODEN CROSS MEMORIAL with a white stone base." And then, when Billy joins him, he asks "That look familiar?" And I don't get this, it hasn't been set up well. The only thing he could possibly be referring to here, from what happened earlier in the script itself, is that cross he found at Jimmy Cahill's place. No white stones there, though, and that cross was over a grave. The grave of a dog, at that. The crosses with white stones at their bases are interesting. But I think they need to be incorporated into the story more smoothly (while of course trying to tie them to Jimmy and Terry). Maybe also with a little more wondering about the killers' (Jimmy's and Terry's at first) motives for erecting them, and for laying flowers on them on the anniversaries of the girls' disappearances. It was in celebration, surely, not guilt.... One more question I had with the true evildoers theme in the story was how Jake figured out who they were. My guess is that Billy modified Jimmy's car, in a way that would only make sense if Jimmy and Terry had actually been abducting girls like Charlie said. And so when Charlie admitted he'd been lying about that… BAM! Do I have this right? It's never actually made explicit, and I think it should be – probably in that final scene between Jake and Billy. Have to admit I don't understand the title, either. The rhyme goes "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names (we used to say 'words') will never hurt me." The first part has been spelled out on Jimmy's refrigerator (by Charlie I guess, but I don't know why), and Jake seems to find some meaning in it on pp. 38-39, in relation to the midnight dog's grave episode, but I didn't get it at all. Thought for a moment the title is maybe a reference to the crosses with the white "stones" at their bases, but those crosses are not made of sticks. Am I missing something? Anyway, that's my basic quick take on your script. And here are a couple of other thoughts that came to me while reading it: p. 3 – You say that Dawn "notices Jake." But I guess what really happens is that Jake sees her peering out the window at their police SUV, without seeing him specifically. And then, of course, when we get her POV a bit later and she looks back at the front lot, their SUV has now vanished. p. 9 – Not familiar with the name "Myka," so assumed it was a guy. Probably that's just me, but in her description you could eliminate possible confusion by saying "…full sleeve tatts; she's as hard and mean as any man in the house." p. 19 – She "spots her car at the bottom of a ravine." I guess it's pulled over to the side of a road – I-75 itself or some side road? Also wondered about him leaving his lights "still spinning bright" behind her car while he's off in the woods chasing her; couldn't possible witnesses take notice of this? pp. 19, 20 – When you "don" clothes, I think it means that you are putting them on, not already wearing them…. p. 20 – Maybe Terry's age should be given more precisely than "20s"… I think he's almost 30, isn't he? p. 24 – "Billy watches them all. A real careful eye." Good, we need this kind of subtle indication of Billy's unique concern. p. 25 – Jenn: "I didn't tell you to stop calling your daughter. You thought she was confused before? How do you think she feels now?" Good talk between them at the end of the big event, helping us see where their relationship stands. p. 28 – "It says – You found me." If it was me, I would change "It says" to something like "There are three words scrawled on the back, and they say – " pp. 31-34 – Liked the interaction between Jake and this Donninger character. p. 36 – Wonder if finding out who's in that grave is such an urgent matter that they have to dig it up in the cold and rain the same night Jake discovers it. Can’t that wait until morning? Olivia's been missing for 14 years already. p. 37 – "It's like a dog or something." Good dashing of our expectations. Cracked up at Billy's "Woof woof" line. pp. 41-44 – Good scene at the Sheriff's Office, bringing Charlie Ferris into the story although at the time we have no idea why. p. 55 – C: "… that's all it was… A mistake. But that mistake soon became a lifestyle." Good lines here. p. 56 – C: "You know I won't live long enough to make my statement, Jake. And you won't live long enough to record it." But… I'm not feeling that much danger here; hard to believe there's a risk they'll be killed for threatening Walter's legacy. Is Charlie exaggerating to persuade Jake (who doesn't know because he just got back after 10 years MIA)? Or maybe Charlie really believes it after being out of touch so long with his former friends at the sheriff's department? p. 64 – J: "Did he ask you why you needed the garage?" B: "Nope. And I didn't ask him why his little girl was doing 75 in a school zone." Good line. p. 65 – "Billy removes the lining cover and exposes a large metal spike bolted into the floor. Around this spike, a white bungee cord is tied in a most complicated knot." Billy installed this stuff in the car himself, right, to make it look like Jimmy and Terry were abducting girls? And this is how Jake finally knows he's the killer? Not sure that's your intent but if so, nice irony - Charlie's lies did keep the cops busy investigating imaginary crimes, but they also resulted in the end in the catching and execution of the perpetrators of the real crimes…. pp. 68-71 – Liked the interaction between Terry and the cheerleader. Pp. 75-76 – Wouldn't think a school resource officer would have more authority than the county sheriff's department. Guess I'd be wrong? pp. 80-81 – J: "Barbie Kesser, college student en route to the University of Miami… Checked into the Blue Bird Motel… one hour and five minutes later, making an ATM withdrawal at a strip mall… east of the motel." Okay, good detail – finally something connected to that killing we saw on pp. 18-20. Might mention where she's from, too. And what happened to her car…. p. 81 – "Billy squirms in his seat, uncomfortable." Then tries to change the subject. So I guess that's a subtle tell. p. 94 – T: "Jake's been… how do you say… connecting some dots that, in his mind, lead directly back to me." Good Terry dialogue here. When I first read it I assumed he was faking his shock at this. But it turns out he's been set up by Charlie, and has no idea why Jake is accusing him. I'd be shocked and desperate, too. Not quite sure why he tells Jenn that Jake's been drinking, though. I'm not believing that Sheriff Greer spread that lie around…. p. 103 – Caslin: "As soon as [Terry] turns up, we'll know something." Not clear to me why Terry has gone into hiding; he wasn't the one who attacked Jenn…. p. 109 – B: "Dawn posed for this picture. We were right. It was a fake. Photoshopped." So that means Charlie has photoshopping skills? Might not expect that in an old guy. Wonder if you should set it up by Jake noticing some sophisticated computer equipment at Charlie's house when he visits him early on…. pp. 116-17 – C: "There were no victims. There never was. Well. Just the one. And we know what happened to her, don't we?" Really important lines here, the big reveal. But raises some new questions. It's not clear anymore why Charlie has done all of this. Has Terry truly been miserable? He wasn't actually abducting and killing girls with Jimmy, and he seemed to have a good life as a respected high school coach…. And why did Charlie kill Jimmy? Because he was a bad influence on Terry anyway? Unless I missed it, I don't think the script ever answers these questions – 1) what was Terry doing that made Charlie think he was miserable and therefore needed to turn himself in to Sheriff Greer? 2) Why did Charlie kill Jimmy (we've only heard Charlie's lie about the reason for this to Jake)? Or is it maybe that Charlie is just crazy with his own personal guilt for what happened to Terry's folks? Or maybe he killed Jimmy in revenge for what Jimmy got Terry in to 15 years ago? p. 120 – Greer: "JP runs in, spots old Walter just moments before driving that old blade into his old lady. And he…" shot him! Really nice twist; totally unexpected. p. 126 – J: "You handed me this whole thing on a platter. But I was too focused on Terry." Might help to explain exactly how Billy handed it to Jake on a platter. I've got theories, but I'm not sure they're right. p. 126 – J: "Charlie's little movie must have put you right over the edge…. Taking credit for your work." But… the sense I got was that Billy WANTED someone else to "take credit for" his work. He was trying to pin it on Jimmy and Terry. Which, of course, was what got him caught. Did I misunderstand? p. 128 – B: "I just realized something. It would be pretty stupid of me if I just blew my brains out without even trying." Good line, and I agree with him. If the choice is between forced suicide and at least trying to survive…. So… hope you find something in all of this that helps you improve your interesting script. Although I may of course be wrong about everything, and in that case you won't. Best of luck with it in either case, Eric. Michael

Good call with Charlie's warning about staying away from Terry.  Is there a real threat there, mentioning his name to the Sheriff and bringing him in for questioning?  I feel there's a threat of the department covering up his crimes but not harming Jake or making acual threats.  I'm still not all the way comfortable with that scene or how the reader will interpret.  You've shown me that it's not entirely clear why Jake doesn't trust his own department.

My interpretation of why Billy tells Jake his theory of the interstate abductions is because he's on the sly confessing to his partner that he's been killing young women.  Billy also theorizes that two men are responsible for the I-4 and I-75 abductions.  We are supposed to assume that Jake figures out (after quitting the Sheriff's office) that Billy and Danny Burke were the real killers and were attempting to assign guilt to Terry and Jimmy to take the fall.  But going back and reading it again, I'm even confused by it...

I didn't want to bring the whole interstate killer theory too early in the story because no one else besides Billy is actually aware that there is a killer operating on the interstate.  There were simply a few women who went missing that happened to be traveling this interstate.  

I can see this is still a bit confusing in spots and could be fleshed out.  

Thanks again,
Eric

You're welcome, Eric. Very glad to know you found some of my notes helpful

About the crosses and white stones… yes, I did suspect maybe you'd cut more than intended from a previous draft. And I guess the Charlie Ferris scene is an obvious place to trim instead, it's like 15 pages.

One question I'm still curious about - did Billy modify Jimmy's car to make it look like they'd been using it for abductions? Installing that spike with the white bungee cord tied around it….

Best of luck with it all again.

Michael

Quoted from Michael_C You're welcome, Eric. Very glad to know you found some of my notes helpful About the crosses and white stones… yes, I did suspect maybe you'd cut more than intended from a previous draft. And I guess the Charlie Ferris scene is an obvious place to trim instead, it's like 15 pages. One question I'm still curious about - did Billy modify Jimmy's car to make it look like they'd been using it for abductions? Installing that spike with the white bungee cord tied around it…. Best of luck with it all again. Michael

Yes Jimmy's car was tampered with by Billy.  I need to make it somehow clearer that Danny and old partner Billy (used to be a state trooper) left the roadside memorials and somehow Charlie got wind of the "statewide memo" regarding the crosses marking the abduction sites.  So he copies the MO.

Basically Charlie leaves the cross at Jimmy's dogs grave to make Jake look like a fool and toy with him.  Drawing suspicion that Jimmy is the interstate killer.  I think there's some easy fixes here for the next draft.  

Your notes have been helpful.  Thanks a bunch.

Hey, Eric.

SPOILER ALERT:

Finished reading your script. Overall, I liked it. Setting the Tone early.
Liked the opening. Some dark gritty material. I didn't
see the twist coming at the end. Who can you really trust anymore .... lots of corruption.

SOME NOTES:
It's a bit long. I'd like to see it trimmed a bit, both Action and Dialogue. At times,
a bit hard to keep track with who did what to who and why. It throws you into different
directions, some dead ends. A complex thriller with twist and turns.

I'd like to see the Action elements leaner and more showing than telling. Make them
as lean as possible without losing any clarity and content. When you show me in Action,
it's really good, but There's quite a bit of
unfilmable and also redundancies throughout the story. Some unfilmable I'm ok with,
specifically in character introductions. It might make a better read at
times, but for me it clogs the script. We all have our different writing styles,
so, these are my 2 cents worth of feedback.re: Action. I noticed after showing me,
you follow up telling me how the person felt, or how it looked like, etc. (EX: p25:
"Jenn's eyes light up. As if she's contemplating a bad decision with this handsome young
man." So, you show, then tell why her eyes light up. Quite a few of these throughout.

Dialogue I enjoyed. Difficult, but some of the characters spot on. Flows well, natural.
Again, I guess I 'm Mr. optimizer, trim back on some of the Dialogue. Lots of exposure.
I wonder if some of the Dialogue can be mapped into more Action. The Charlie introduction,
I would think could get to the point a bit sooner than later. Remove some of the chit-chat.

What did all the woodwork have to do with the story? Quite a few pages at Charlie's. Did I
miss anything?

How did Jake find out Billy was a bad dude? and why did Billy turn into a serial murderer?
I guess maybe Billy left crumbs along the way that Jake picked up on, is that the idea? or
just a good guy gone bad.

MORE NOTES:
* Did you copyright the script?
* Contact e-mail front page might be a good idea.
* P1: Are Billy and Jake supposed to sit in the SUV, not a truck as the slug indicates?
* CAPPED words for emphasis if necessary is ok, but too many distracts, just my take on it.
* I would go easy on "is, are, we see, does, doesn't", tells more than shows.
* Stay mostly in present tense (smiles), not present continuous (smiling), more active. A few of those.
* Mini slugs make it for a leaner script, (ex: Cahill's barn) and a few more.
* I would pick "FLYING" instead of "MOVING" for the plane ride slug.
* P109: Fifteen years earlier, needs a SUPER:
* No need to use "inside" in Action when the Slug is INT.
* Orphans eat up real estate, minimize the use if possible.
* Consistency in slugs, "Home of Charlie Ferrer or Charlie's Home", pick one.
* No need to repeat in Action what's established in a Slug (EX: Barn, garage), and some more.
* P126. Jake not Jack.
^ P103. I guess it should be JENN'S HOUSE, not JAKE"S in the Slug (Jake's place is an apartment)
* In Action I like to see the words written out (EX: "convo" in Dialogue ok),
but in Action, needs to be conversation.

Great effort. IMO, some clean-up and trimming needed.

Good luck,
Frank

Quoted from FrankH Hey, Eric. SPOILER ALERT: Finished reading your script. Overall, I liked it. Setting the Tone early. Liked the opening. Some dark gritty material. I didn't see the twist coming at the end. Who can you really trust anymore .... lots of corruption. SOME NOTES: It's a bit long. I'd like to see it trimmed a bit, both Action and Dialogue. At times, a bit hard to keep track with who did what to who and why. It throws you into different directions, some dead ends. A complex thriller with twist and turns. I'd like to see the Action elements leaner and more showing than telling. Make them as lean as possible without losing any clarity and content. When you show me in Action, it's really good, but There's quite a bit of unfilmable and also redundancies throughout the story. Some unfilmable I'm ok with, specifically in character introductions. It might make a better read at times, but for me it clogs the script. We all have our different writing styles, so, these are my 2 cents worth of feedback.re: Action. I noticed after showing me, you follow up telling me how the person felt, or how it looked like, etc. (EX: p25: "Jenn's eyes light up. As if she's contemplating a bad decision with this handsome young man." So, you show, then tell why her eyes light up. Quite a few of these throughout. Dialogue I enjoyed. Difficult, but some of the characters spot on. Flows well, natural. Again, I guess I 'm Mr. optimizer, trim back on some of the Dialogue. Lots of exposure. I wonder if some of the Dialogue can be mapped into more Action. The Charlie introduction, I would think could get to the point a bit sooner than later. Remove some of the chit-chat. What did all the woodwork have to do with the story? Quite a few pages at Charlie's. Did I miss anything? How did Jake find out Billy was a bad dude? and why did Billy turn into a serial murderer? I guess maybe Billy left crumbs along the way that Jake picked up on, is that the idea? or just a good guy gone bad. MORE NOTES: * Did you copyright the script? * Contact e-mail front page might be a good idea. * P1: Are Billy and Jake supposed to sit in the SUV, not a truck as the slug indicates? * CAPPED words for emphasis if necessary is ok, but too many distracts, just my take on it. * I would go easy on "is, are, we see, does, doesn't", tells more than shows. * Stay mostly in present tense (smiles), not present continuous (smiling), more active. A few of those. * Mini slugs make it for a leaner script, (ex: Cahill's barn) and a few more. * I would pick "FLYING" instead of "MOVING" for the plane ride slug. * P109: Fifteen years earlier, needs a SUPER: * No need to use "inside" in Action when the Slug is INT. * Orphans eat up real estate, minimize the use if possible. * Consistency in slugs, "Home of Charlie Ferrer or Charlie's Home", pick one. * No need to repeat in Action what's established in a Slug (EX: Barn, garage), and some more. * P126. Jake not Jack. ^ P103. I guess it should be JENN'S HOUSE, not JAKE"S in the Slug (Jake's place is an apartment) * In Action I like to see the words written out (EX: "convo" in Dialogue ok), but in Action, needs to be conversation. Great effort. IMO, some clean-up and trimming needed. Good luck, Frank

Frank,

Thanks again for taking another look at this one.  I think the consensus is that its a bit confusing as to how Jake figures out Billy's involvement in the abductions, as well as who did what to who and  why.

It should be clearer that Charlie built the cross and white stones at the grave of Jimmy's dog.  And that Billy and Danny have been leaving similar crosses at the abduction sites.  Charlie reads the departmental memo about crosses being found and decides to copy their MO.  Knowing Jake will believe his "story" about Terry.

I'm thinking maybe Charlie was brought out of retirement as a helicopter pilot and was hired to fly police over the interstate and photograph the abduction sites and cross memorials.  And somehow Jake gets wind of this.  Maybe Officer Burke mentions a helo pilot in his conversation with Jake and Billy.

Anyways, I think the motives and MOs of who did what and why is still foggy and should be made crystal clear by the climax.

Of course in the subsequent drafts I'll be trimming and trimming until its down to 115 to 120 pages.  Like you said, cutting chit-chat and possibly entire talky scenes, like Jake and Billy in the car riding home.  Some of the Charlie stuff is redundant.   Maybe cut out Dawn after the first scene at Curlys.  The scene at Mugshots goes on too long.  Maybe Jake mentions the sticks and stones connection and that's all we need to know.  



Thanks, Frank!

Trimming/removing the scenes you mention, that should cut the page count down quite a bit and still don't lose
any important content in the script.

Add some clarity and give it a polish and IMO, you got a pretty good Thriller.

Good luck.
Frank

Yeah, in haste I submitted to Fade In competition and only have until July 1st to drop some serious pages.  I'm basically resubmitting subsequent drafts as I go along.  Right now, its at 127 pages.  I've already made some tweaks with regard to Charlie's character and how Billy and Danny frame him for the interstate abductions.   I made Billy's motives and actions a bit more palatable and clearer.  Also added a scene where Jake discovers a green screen studio in Charlie's house along with a computer full of photoshopped images.  Dawn's body with other girls faces.  Some simple fixes and suggested tweaks.