Midnight Mangler by David Berkowitz - In a city gripped by fear, the Midnight Mangler stalks his next victim.  Short, Horror

Written very well. Loved the noir vibe. Twist was okay. Not sure it measured up the the first 3 quarters of the story though...which was pretty awesome.

Nice entry writer!!

I enjoyed this. Writing was fine and I enjoyed the supernatural twist, even though it came a little out of left field. That being said, it's hard to deliver a great twist in 2 pages, so good work on that. My only thing was one bit of dialogue:

WOMAN
Midnight Mangler, huh? It’s almost
dawn.

I think you can do without that dialogue there. If she is the Midnight Mangler, then why would she be suggesting that the intruder is the Midnight Mangler?

Other than that, nice work.

-- Michael

Writing is on point here. Some great suspense with the Man sneaking through the window. :)

But the twist kinda comes out of nowhere. It's not a bad concept. Just feel like it could have been set up a bit better.

Dialog could also be better.

Still, I enjoyed this one. :)

I really liked this one.

Nice premise and I liked how you turned the "victim" into the killer and all done in 2 pages.

great work

Action and description were pretty solid.

The dialogue was pretty average.

Overall - decent effort here

Hi writer,

Someone's been watching Netflix lately :)

The writing isn't too bad but the story is pretty average. I think this was probably one of the easiest routes to take in this challenge and it just left me wanting. Just not anything too original here.

All the best.

A decent script that feels a little predictable. Two scripts that I've read  in this contest alone feel like they are versions of this "pursued turns the tables" story. It almost would be more surprising at this point if the pursuer did just kill his victim.

Good writing and atmosphere though.

Nice writing and story, the dialogue felt a bit cheesy.

The vampire angle was unexpected.

Good work

Nice vampire twist but not unpredictable. And a decent writing. The dialog had a couple of typos.

Nice vampire twist, good writing, good job!

Good twist - unexpected. The dialogue post-reveal could use a bit of work but, overall, nicely done. Good work, writer.

Saw the textbook switcheroo coming from a mile away, unfortunately.

Nice book-ending with the news reports -- would recommend giving those a bit more flair, as you could extend the VO over the action and create even more tension that way.

Make the man less generic, give him a line or two of dialogue along the way.

Decent effort, twist was there... just a little convenient I guess.

Good effort.

Not sure if he (intruder) is the Midnight Mangler, or the Vampiress? If it’s him, the city can now sleep, but if it’s her… this shit will be going on forever. Good concept actually; she feeds, then mangles them to make it look like a psycho, and no one’s the wiser there’s a vampire living amongst them, just some psycho that continues to elude the police, then move to another country and do it all over again… ok, now I’m wandering. Anyway, this had a sugary lemon bomb/bloody Mary type twist, best of luck.

Seeing a lot of these victim who turns out not to be one. Not your fault, with 25 scripts there's bound to be repeats. I just wish there was some further angle you could find. I do like murdering vampires though.

Tough luck for the Midnight Mangler that he ran up against a vampire. It's a twist, alright, but one that's been done before, so maybe a further twist could have been added. Something like MM turning out to be a werewolf.

Seems to be a theme running rampant through these scripts of being followed and then trying for a twist on that.  I guess a question I have is why is she running from the guy if she can overpower him in any event?  Was it just to lure him to the apartment?  Why would she gasp at finding out he’s in the apartment?  I wouldn’t think she’d be afraid of him, but maybe I’m missing something.  Still, it’s a fun story with a clever little twist in what she really is.  Good job here.

Better be a Stone’s reference in here…

Wasn’t sure if she’s the Mangler or it’s him?

Writing has a nice flow to it.   A little too stock perhaps - lone woman followed home before turning the tables.  First vampire I’ve read of the bunch so there’s that.  Functional for the challenge and decently handled for what it is, just a little too familiar to leave much of a lasting impression.

This was simple, but effective. I like the opening descriptions. My favorite one so far (but I've only read four).

It all looked so good when I imagined filming this. In hindsight, it is quite pedestrian, but that's the beauty of these quick challenges, there isn't much time to reevaluate, you just commit and execute. Thanks for the feedback, it's always appreciated.

For those who aren't sure what happened, the man was indeed the Midnight Mangler, he just happened to pick the wrong victim (the line is in there). Lucky for her she can continue killing and people will just keep on blaming it on the serial killer, so she's safe and secure for a while.

She wasn't running from him either. The sun was coming up, that's why she was hurrying home. I didn't want to draw any attention to that though or it would have given away the twist. And I imagine in a world where there are vampires, there are also vampire hunters, or some other threat, so she still needs to be cautious about being followed.

The thing that stood out to me most was the visual of the guy climbing through the window.

Really helpled me to imagine the whole scene and mood.

The story itself is similar to a few I've read, but this one gets the most out of the premise, IMO.