Final Run by Written by - A quiet day in the park turns into a run for your life.  Short, Horror, Thriller

This could be very comedic with the right actors! As I read it, it didn't come off as funny but thinking back on it, could be hilarious! Seeing him fumble with the remote and being chased to his van, only to reveal that he's in on it and extremely frustrated with continued failure. Yeah, turn this into a horror/comedy sketch. Good stuff.

This was entertaining.

Nice twist with Arthur in control and his sadness that the Robot keeps screwing up and killing the joggers.

Cute story well written

I liked this, it was well written. And I liked the twist... an old loner with his remote control friend... though I'm not sure if this is exactly low-budget. It had enough elements of horror to get me on board, though.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Quoted Text ARTHUR Sorry squirrely

Sorry, squirrely

Quoted Text button on the fop

Either I don't know what a fop is or that's meant to be "top"? Okay, must look into fop.

What does he need them alive for? Did I miss something or is that left to our imagination?

Very well written but this one didn't really land for me. I just don't know why any of it is happening.

All the best.

Fop - did you mean fob?

It seems that when the twist is revealed, what comes before it doesn't make sense and is only there to throw us off. Why would he flee from his own robot? he can open the van from a distance using his fob (fop) so the robot can hide the body in the van, he doesn't need to run and jump in.
He also has his phone on him the whole time so it's not like he is running back for that to switch the robot off.

This does also not scream low-budget.

The squirrel bears no relevance to the story and will only require a producer to source a well trained squirrel for the shoot lol

Best of luck

Nicely written but not low budget at all. There is certainly a twist but he only runs away from the robot to set us up for the twist and if this was his experiment (and it had gone wrong several times before) he would be more prepared and safe, so it doesn't make sense.

I did enjoy the read though.

Fop? I’ve been saying ‘Fob’ all these years… probably ‘Fop’, cause I don’t hear shit right anymore. Anyway, a mechanical monster scenario where its creator has lost control of the creation, kind of like Frankenstein’s Monster… “I want to liiiiive!”, in this case; “I want to kiiiiill!”. Bit of a twist and shock value here cause I initially thought the monster was after Arthur, so the theme is definitely present. Best of luck.

I liked this, good twist, tho I think it is fob, not fop (unless it is a kiwi/lime/oz thing). This is both horrifying and funny at the same time.

- Don

Nice twist. Good job.  

I expected the nerd was doing it, but then it didn't make sense that he would be full on sprinting to his van and dangerously diving in. That whole section feels like a cheat that's only there to trick the viewer and doesn't actually make sense to the story.

If that section could be reworked, possibly while still fooling the audience (the robot was on the fritz or something) it wouldn't make the reader feel like they've been tricked instead of cheated.

A sexist killer robot that only preys on female joggers. Nicely written, good twist.
Well done.

Not sure I understand why he has a robot accidentally killing joggers...

But was fun!

A little choppy in places.  The pedant in me wants to know why he’d make a robot with sharp metal teeth if he wants them alive.  Maybe it’s not Arthur’s robot so he doesn’t know how to program it?  Feels like it would stray into unintentional comedy as the robot carries the dead jogger. Like most here, it raises more questions than answers but by no means bad.

Nice twist there with the reveal.  Fun story and really had me guessing on what was going. Nicely written.  Good job.

Arthur, mad scientist type, is "stunned" when the Female Jogger screams behind the bush. This isn't misdirection, it's cheating, because there wasn't anyone around to witness what was happening. And his fearful rush to get to his van seemed overdone, too.

Using a robot to procure a woman is a novel way of getting a date, but shouldn't he be practicing at night on a lonely street, instead of in a park in broad daylight?

Quoted from Don I liked this, good twist, tho I think it is fob, not fop (unless it is a kiwi/lime/oz thing). This is both horrifying and funny at the same time. - Don

Lime? Oh, Llimey. ;D Yep, a fop is Queen's English for a Dandy aka a smartly dressed Gent.

Whatever... we know what you mean, Writer.
I loved this. A unique entry.
Silly robot not keeping them alive.

Loved Arthur's description:
He’s a forever nerd complete with black rimmed
glasses and pencils in his shirt pocket.

Macabre, but with some lovely dark humour throughout.

Good twist. The squirrel is a nice touch to keep things engaging while we're waiting for the action moment.

I didn't like him being "stunned." It's a cheat, it's only there to trick the reader and has nothing to do with his real reactions in that moment. Just omitting that word is more effective.

I don't need to know why he's doing it, his frustration is enough to make this work. Well done.

Pretty good. Fun ending. I wish there was more comedy mixed in before the final reveal. Maybe something to do with this creepy guy in a park weirdly observing joggers? Fighting the squirrel for seeds on the ground? I dunno, something that sets the tone as more comedic early on.

I like the visuals here, and nice head-fake on describing the pursuit. But it's a fob, not a fop.

Good job!

I enjoyed the idea/story here.

Good luck casting the squirrel. :)

The twist was fun. With a bit more space to work with, you could really build out this world in a wild way.

Even though there's very little dialogue here, it could still be tightened further. If you drop "Killed another one." nothing changes.

I liked this a lot, well written.

The story was unique and the twist was genuinely surprising.

Great stuff~

A good script. Probably a little on the high end to produce. Why would Arthur dash like mad to his van to get away from a machine he created? Maybe he doesn't want people to see the dead jogger. But he pushes the dead jogger out of the van regardless. I wonder what function the robot monster was actually supposed to fulfill.

Writer,

Good story! I liked it. But in the end, it didn't feel complete -- meaning, why was the old man using a robot to kill people? I'd like to know.

Steve

I liked this one. This twist worked for me and the action lines were clean, kept up the pacing. Good job, writer.

FOB

I even looked it up first and still wrote FOP. LOLOL.

I wrote this in a seriously mad rush cus I had to work both days. Less than an hour.

My original idea was that it was a Frankenstein type monster that Arthur created and controlled, but that proved too difficult to show in just 2 pages. So I opted for the KILLER ROBOT!! (January project people will appreciate that!!)

And I also didn't have enough room to show that he had been sitting there all day waiting for this to actually work (which is why he was "stunned"). And he wasn't running "from" the robot, he was running because they had taken the jogger and had to haul ass so they didn't get caught...but of course it was supposed to look like he was running from the monster.

Just didn't have time to work out the wrinkles. Grabbing a female to make a female monster. But this monster keeps killing them by accident. Was a funny idea, I just didn't have time to execute it well enough.  

Thanks for the reviews!!