Monster by XOXO - A teenage girl is pursued by a shadowy figure after an embarrassing incident.  Short, Thriller

Hmmm... the writing was okay, a little wordy in the descriptions at parts, not super smooth. But good enough. There was some tension as the shadowy figure was following Callie home but the twist at the end felt very, very anticlimactic. And as much as I like the message, the dialogue feels forced and heavy-handed in delivering that message. Almost had an after school special vibe. Good effort, though.

-- Michael

Okay - not at all your fault - but 80% of the scripts I have read now have the stereotypical someone being followed... it is starting to wear.

But looking at this with fresh eyes - I appreciate the effort and the sentiment - it just felt forced to me.  COuldn;t quite get why an otherwise kind doppelganger would stalk her in a fearful fashion

Wasn't expecting any positive affirmation messaging in any of these scripts. LOL. But I do like the idea of that ALOT. Not sure that specific twist packs enough of a punch for this particular challenge...but it's still a nice idea.

Writing is a bit wordy in this. Could definitely use a trim to quicken the pace.

Okay...the message is great, but it's the opposite of a sting. A doppelganger, if it's really like a folklore doppelganger and therefore supernatural, would be fine except visually it's just Callie talking to herself, so it's just in her head. The symbolism is heavy (looking over her shoulder, literally in a closet) and while that speaks well for the message, it was a bit on the nose for me.

The writing seemed hurried to me, maybe a last minute entry? It's good but hints at better. And, yeah, festivals would eat it up for the message, so well done.

I like the message, but the film feels like all this unnecessary setup for someone to look directly at you and say "being gay does not make you a monster". There really seemed to be no reason to have the movie before it. It is kind of odd to have positivity seem like a stalker for someone who feels so negative about herself, but I wish it could've ended feeling like a movie rather than a speech.

Hi writer,

Damn this came off preachy. Do we really not know in 2021 that it's okay to be gay? I recently wrote a box ticking feature that has a similar message, I wrote it with my tongue firmly in my cheek tough. It's a great message but we get it already.

Not for me.

All the best.

A bit on the nose and preachy for me - you could get the same message across more subtly and actually involving a plot.

Best of luck

This came off more like an ‘After School Special’, which isn’t a bad thing per se, just reminded me of the true color messages they used to push, always dripping with a wee bit o’ fromage. That being said, the kicker here, or twist is, she’s being chased by her own fears… can’t escape yourself, that whole chestnut. I think you did a fair job for the challenge, and with a positive vibe. Best of luck.

This is overwritten. Good message but needs a solid rewrite.

Nice build-up and a good message, the ending just felt flat. If she knew about her doppelganger and she's really nice, why be scared of it?

Definitely had a twist/reveal from a thriller to a PSA. Low-budget and fit the bill. Good work, writer.

I'd echo what others have said, especially in regards to the preachiness, plus I'd suggest cutting down the amount of characters in the first scene. Four characters when there could have been two or at most three just made it unnecessarily confusing for me.

Good luck

This presents a good life lesson, and the shadow figure following her turning out to be herself is a good twist, but then instead of an ending we get a lecture. What if the Doppleganger doesn't confront Callie, but instead proceeds to kill herself because the world has beat her down so much? The Doppelgänger then fades away, and Callie comes out of the closet, vowing to confront life on her own terms.

A nice tale of positive reinforcement and tolerance. Maybe could have ended on a darker note though to add an extra dimension to the twist.
Well done.

Huh.  Different.  Certainly unexpected, which is worth something in a competition such as this.

It raises the question of what, exactly, Callie was running from in the first place.  I mean, herself, right?

I would call it thought-provoking to some extent.  Not a bad script.  The cell phone seems an unnecessary detail, but apart from that, there is little to complain about.

The ending falls flat for me, a bit too OTN.

Maybe more could be made of the metaphor her getting back into the closet? Like she nearly told the girls earlier but is chased back into the closet by her won fear... spitballing.

Good message, but the writing itself is subpar. Twist doesn't land well.

Lost of missing scene-headers, particularly on the last page.

This one is a mixed bag.

It was different I'll give you that.

Gay in 2021 not exactly a revelation.
A slight twist to which I was expecting more instead we got a lecture...
Positive message but not a riviting read

It was ok

Pretty much a letdown from beginning to end.  Same tired pursuit story, and when you got to the twist, it just became a preachy, on the nose, rehash of an issue that shouldn't be an issue anymore.  Disappointing in the direction you took it when you had all sorts of options at your disposal.  Better luck next time.

The inability to change the distance to her pursuer has me thinking it's (at least metaphorically) her own shadow.

I thought cellphones not working was a hallmark of the horror genre ;)

Okay, the twist was that we didn't get the twist in almost every other pursuit story? So, it's original in that respect. With a little bit of breathing room, the sermon at the end could get broken up into something bearable.

There are parts of the world where it is not safe to be a gay in high school, even in the US. But anyone contributing to that problem isn't going to see this short at any festival that would carry it. That's not a criteria of the challenge though. Cut it enough to fit inside 60 seconds, and you could have a PSA on your hands.

The only criteria-related bit is having a soccer team may blow the "preferably" low budget for its length.

Should have used minislugs when inside the house, but I can see why they're absent (out of space on the page). Probably also why the final blocks of dialog are so long... breaking them up with action would spill onto a thrid page.

Nice effort!

Pretty cool story. You can't run from yourself and who you really are.
I strangely thought the doppleganger was a bit of an anti-climax, even though in principle I like the idea.

I don't know... Some other element felt like it was missing for me, but at the same time I liked it.

I really like what you're going for. It's hard to express that in two pages. But I'd definitely try to cut out the dialogue at the very end. Have all the events that happen to her be an expression of that message instead.

It could be this doppelganger is some deformed version of herself, only for her to find out it's her insecurity that's distorting it. Or, there's no doppelganger and she herself is turning into a monster - and by embracing it the transformation becomes something beautiful. Those are random brain fart ideas. You'll have your own unique expression of it that'll be much better.

With a few more pages to work with I think this could be really good.

Kind of title that either delivers in spades or ends up feeling like a placeholder. Let's see...

A little too didactic and direct for my tastes.  Elements of horror/thriller in the set-up but the payoff didn’t really swing towards either.  More a ‘be proud of who you are’ moment than the torn to shreds by the woodchipper/monster/evil entity I’ve come to expect.  Nothing wrong with it, just doesn’t seem to fit the parameters on this one.  Maybe one to return to with a more subtle approach.

This is yet another script where I like the concept, but the execution just falls flat -- mainly because it's so incredibly on the nose. I mean, she literally comes out of the closet.

I think I have an idea of who wrote this one.

Inverts the evil twin/doppelganger trope on its head. You could even argue the doppelganger is just a figment of Callie's imagination, a part of her persona personified.

The dialogue could use some punching up but a good entry in my book.

Personally, I thought those initial moments where we see the interplay between the girls held real promise to then introduce horror within the situation.

It then shifted away to more of a comforting message, which made it feel a little genre confused to me.

You had the tension with Tanya and Kacie, but it never goes beyond that, so for the sake of economy I think you would better making that scene just Sophie and Callie if you don't make use of the tension with the other two characters.