Undercurrent by Teresa Green - Things aren't quite as they seem when a family man learns of a tragic accident.  Short, Thriller

I liked the karmaic twist -- Jasper gets what he deserves. However, the writing I feel was a little sloppy, perhaps rushed. There's no character descriptions. And the fact that we open with "JASPER EDDINGTON (45) sits motionless", it made me think we were starting off with a visual of a dead body.

Outside of that, very solid. Nice work.

-- Michael

I was confused

BTW - does PC mean police officer??

So the girls fake suicide so that Jasper commits real suicide. Then they throw his body in the freezer !! I think I got it.

Well you packed that  in 2 pages. I actually enjoyed it.

Good entry

Hi writer,

Title page is off center, no big deal.

Scrap the underlining of your scene headings, its just doesn't look good on the page.

Not sure what a P.C. is.   Ah okay, police of some sort.

Quoted Text INT. EDDINGTON FAMILY HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Tilly opens up the chest freezer and pulls out a bag of ice cubes, exposing Jasper’s frozen face.

I don't really understand why this was necessary if he committed suicide?

The writing could use some work. I think there is a story in there but it needs a few rewrites.

All the best.

I like the ambition on this one, but I think there was unfortunately not enough time to tell it.

Things would've been less confusing if the police or Jasper actually mentioned that it was the bodies of his wife and child who are washed away. At least we'd have a clear understanding of that when we are once again confused by Jasper angrily hanging himself. Then the wife and child covering it up? I really had a tough time figuring out what was happening and why it was happening. I still don't think I've grasped it.

With just a couple more pages to work with, once the competition is done, this could really work as an old fashioned revenge story (that I think it is)

For those wondering, a P.C. is a police constable. It's a UK and Commonwealth thing.

The writing is decent, but details are missing. At the beginning the police stand up...from what? Maybe the page count hindered a bit here. The dialogue is a bit rough too.

This almost works, but two things jump out at me. First, why would Cynthia take Jasper's body down and hide it in the freezer? Who cares if he killed himself? Better to report the body and be free and clear, no?

The larger issue for me is Cynthia would have to know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Jasper would kill himself to somehow come after them in death. She returned home the next day, presumably, but why would she do that unless she knew it was safe to do so? It's a big leap of logic.

Good effort, it does have potential to be something. It feels like there should be more to make it all work, maybe outside of the page restriction.

Too much convenience here for me. Like how did they know Jasper would kill himself? In fact, if he was an abuser, I wouldn't think he'd kill himself. I mean there's a definite twist here, but as is it just doesn't work for me. If they had come back, taking him by surprise and kill him to maybe make it look like a suicide... that might make more sense because it's planned instead of something that might or might not happen.

Didn't quite get this one either. Maybe I missed something?

I think I get it, but would like to see what the writer says at the end.

Warren is right, underlining the slugs doesn't look good on the page, plus I think you should consider using mini slugs as full slugs are too much especially for something so short.

Good luck

Quoted from eldave1 I was confused BTW - does PC mean police officer??

PC stands for Police Constable (A rank in the British Police Force)

I like this one but there is not much logical sense - Why put the body in the freezer after his suicide? They just committed a criminal offence for no reason.

Jasper killing himself was convenient for them. The strings just don't quite connect together well enough for this to really excel

The writing not that great, it seemed rushed. The twist was ok. Not for me.

Should start with FADE IN: and end with FADE OUT., looks like a bit of a cheat for extra space.

What does P.C. stand for?

That ending was... unexpected. Someone knew this guy really, really well to know how he'd react.

Really nice job!

Conceptually solid but not sure the idea of Jasper committing suicide was the best way to go. Maybe would have been better if he had been murdered.
Well done.

Hmm, the twist is there but...

If he's been hurting them, as implied by the last line, then why would be kill himself, doesn't ring true to me.

Writing is choppy, takes you out of the read. :(

Why did Jasper kill himself? I mean, I didn't expect it. So you got a twist. But I also don't understand it.

Yep, sorry. I reread it three times and and think I know what you were going for. It just didn't work for me. Maybe another page or two would really have made a difference.

I was with you through the set-up and the sense that Jaspar is not the loving father and husband he appears to be but I’m not sure what I’m missing with the payoff.  So they faked their deaths hoping that an embittered Jaspar would take his own life (to come after them?).  Cops then turn back up to find out it was all a mistake the women aren’t dead but the plan worked and they’re now Jasper-free.  But why hide the body?  If he took his own life then they’re home free.  It would all be put down to a tragic misunderstanding would it not? Or am I missing something?  I like what you’re going for but that final reveal doesn’t seem to fit the logic which dampens the payoff.

Not sure… read this twice and still come up empty on a review that would make any sense on your end, perhaps the writer could chime in afterwards with a walk-through, or a brief. Best of luck.

Cynthia's plan is brilliant, but it strains credulity to believe Jaspar kills himself just as Cynthia hoped he would. And then, rather than letting the cops discover he committed suicide, she puts his body on ice and has to come up with a story to explain his whereabouts.

This is probably my own lack of reading comprehension skills, but I did not understand what was happening here.  There was certainly a twist with Jasper in the freezer, but everything that led to that had me confused. Good probably use a couple of more pages in a rewrite to bring some clarity to it.

Easy enough to follow and a twist for sure, but as Rene said, this whole concept relies on the wife knowing he will commit suicide if they pretend to be dead and that seems too far-fetched.

Plus, yeah, why cut him up and put his head in the freezer?

Read this twice and I just don't get it.

Lack of clarity will doom a script quicker than anything.

Maybe this is a larger story than 2 pages?

Well written enough but I was confused by a couple things. Why would he kill himself if he hates them... is he legitimately going to try to drag them to hell? And why are they hiding his death if it was a suicide?

Seems like this might've been a bigger story that got condensed.

Like the idea on this one, and thought the dialogue from Jasper about hell was very funny.

Seemed a cute way of exposing who he really was.

My gripe here is with the reveal. I just didn't like how Cynthia spoke, and it felt jarring to me; too odd to retain tone, IMHO.

I think the reveal was probably the right one, but I would've preferred a different means of doing it.

Still, overall it's a neat idea and definitely stands out for the strength of that idea.