Star Light, Star Bright by Anon - A young girl's wish to see her mother again inadvertently comes true with horrific consequences.  Short, Sci Fi

I liked the story.... good job. A couple of nits:

Cute as a button is a bit of a tired descriptor

Quoted Text She rolls over, faces a picture frame housing a photo of her and her mother and father.

A bit clumsy – she rolls over, faces a framed picture of ….

Kudos

This story appears as a snippet from something bigger, but it still has a ‘did not see that coming’ vibe, so I liked it, it was sentimental and a bit saddening. It also put me in mind of the movie ‘Solaris’, which I liked for its surreal twist of fate via the omnipotent consciousness of a celestial body, maybe they’re going to a better place. Best of luck.

Geez, that was a bummer. This was well-written. It had a Twilight Zone vibe to it with the sci-fi aspect of it. Not much of a twist, but it was definitely a gut-punch of an ending, flying himself and his daughter straight into the sun. Was the space shuttle damaged already anyway (going by the opening transmission)?

Anyway, good stuff. But a lot of these shorts are bumming me out lol, all downers.

Good work!

-- Michael

Good story and characters, but their demise is predetermined, so it's not really a twist as I understand it.

Pretty good. The twist lands well, not as much as I'd have liked though.

The writing was good and I enjoyed this story.

I felt for them both.

Best of luck

Ooh I really liked this. Very Arthur C. Clarke. Nicely written and the ending, although I could see it coming, was still impactful.

Definitely one of my favourites.

Definitely a sting in the tail but I was hoping (expecting?) a more horrific reveal and felt kind of let down. That's just me, though. Well written and heartfelt. Could be filmed on a low budget too. Good work.

Nice job here. Ticks all the boxes for me as far as the challenge goes.

Your writing is good, but could be better. Descriptions are a bit clunky.

EXAMPLE:
BILL, 40, unshaven and looking worse for wear, stands at the
opening. He offers Emily a generous smile, but there’s
sadness in his eyes and sweat hanging heavily on his brow.
His shirt is also drenched with sweat.

IMO this conveys the same thing in less words:
Standing at the door is Bill, (40), unshaven, shirt drenched in sweat.
With sadness in his eyes he offers Emily a smile.

Nice job writer!

Great work here. Very sad. No issues with the writing at all, I saw what you wanted me to see. :)

This one will score well with me. Kudos.

I liked this, but it really didn't land for me.

The whole idea of a father comforting his daughter as they fly into the sun didn't do much dramatically, because despite the emotions being shown, I'm just thrown into the very short scene. It needed some time to breathe if it's going to attempt to get me to feel something other than simply figuring out what's going on.

It's a nice sentiment, but it's one I've seen many times before (you'll see mommy soon, honey). And the writing is very good.

Touching tale and an upsettingly moving ending.
Well done.

Had a sort of Twilight Zone, Ray Bradbury feel to it, the 'twist' is a little telegraphed but excusable with the page limit we have.

I liked it.

What a downer.

Not a bad script, but there is no tension here.

It delivers a suitable payoff, but it doesn't build to that payoff.  It's just there.

Very touching Father/ Daughter short.

Very well written and sadly not how I thought it would end up...

Good job on the twist

Hmmm. I liked this. But, it somehow felt thin. I know, I know. 2 pages. But, the writing is strong enough that I feel like more could have been done.

"All guidance systems are down." This setup means that everything just happened. The idea is stronger if the father was actively guiding the ship into the sun. Then we'd be asking: "Is this deliberate?" "Is it a reaction to the loss of his wife?" etc.

That was depressing. But pretty good.  I thought at first they were on earth and the mom was in outer space, but it came together nicely in the way the story played out.  Unexpected twist at the end so good job pulling it all together.

Oof. A gut punch.

The opening V.O. telegraphs the ending. I think it would be more effective without it. And forget the air regulators, he has bigger problems. A simple "I tried" is enough.

It hits the emotional beats well, and the writing is decent except for a couple of grammar nitpicks and a touch of overwriting.

Nicely done.

Nice writing and a good setup. The ending felt down and flat for me. Maybe because the beginning telegraphs everything? I dunno but it is missing tension and build up. which is tough to do in 2 pages.

This was one of the first I read but I held off on commenting because I needed to read it again to try and work out what exactly was missing for me.

I was put off a little bit by the cute and saccharin elements of the child, but then that may be just me. I think you can achieve the terrific atmosphere of impending doom here and it be even more effective just by dialing it back a bit.

I think I needed just a bit more focus on what they're looking at outside that window too - up until the big moment.  I wanted more description of the visuals.

Yes, I know you only had two pages.
On the fence about the last V.O.

Despite my quibbles, this is up there for me. Beautifully memorable and It stuck with me.

Worked for me. Good idea, execution. Nice job.

The copyright notice is in bold. This person is serious about protecting their work! ;)

It wasn't clear to me if this was an intentional act, an unfortunate accident, or maybe an intentional act that couldn't be undone when having second thoughts. A distress call seems unusual if it was intentional.

To bring some unfortunate science into this science fiction, it's actually quite difficult to fly something from Earth into the Sun. You start off with all the angular momentum of the Earth's orbit, and you have to shed it all which means powerful rockets firing in "reverse." In reality, a derelict craft would end up in some very lonely orbit around the Sun.

But as they say, never let the facts get in the way of a good story :) And it was a touching story for two pages.

Good job!

Really liked the writing and the overall economy employed in getting a real multi-layered story across in two pages. Very impressed by that. Skillfully done.

In terms of a sting in the tail... yes, kind of, but it comes a little early, because once we see Bill enter, we know exactly what is going to happen.

A nice break from the horror and jump scares - something with some emotional weight.  I like it, a doomed spacecraft hurtling into the sun.  I’d be tempted to try and re-work the dialogue so that Emily’s wish-poem lands at the same time as the sun reveal for that little extra touch.  I like it, memorable for being different.  Good job.

A sweet little story.  I like the rhyme, nice touch.  Good job overall.

Writer,

Damn, I knew it was something like an asteroid or something coming. Turns out THEY were heading for something. So, I liked this one alot, but man, was it sad. I feel there could have been something else thrown in there to try and take the sting out, but it is what it is. Great work!

steve

Off the bat, this is not my cup of tea.

I could see where this was going with the first line of V.O. I don't know if anyone else picked up on this, but was this supposed to be a dream sequence or the final thought Bill has before he and the spaceship he's on is hurled into the sun? Which I guess also doubles as the reveal?

I think the dialog falls flat for me. It makes the scene feel two-dimensional because it feels prescriptive...

The visual of the room feels very sci-fi.

Good effort.