Nothing To Fear by Also written by - A mother proves to her son the monster under his bed isn't real.  Short, Horror

Hi writer,

Great writing on display, this was tense and immersive.

Story wise I can't say there was anything really new here and I'm again not sure what the twist/shock/sting was? What we were told was actually there.

All the best.

This was okay for me. The writing was good, but the twist happened halfway through. I could see this getting picked up and made into a micro-short there -- the ending/final image has potential for a great scare if done right.

Good work.

-- Michael

Didn't catch a twist at the end. The whole closet thing reminded me a bit of Poltergeist. It had many scary elements in it though...under the bed, in the closet, shape in the mirror. Was just missing a good twist for me.

Writer,

Not a bad set-up, but you kind of left us hanging, like... So, we know there are monsters, but who are they? what do they want? Basically, no twist here. Makes it feel like the opening tension comes away unfulfilled.

Steve

For a two-pager where every word counts, I don't think you need this

With a dancer’s
grace, she strides up onto the covers.
'strides' seems an odd word choice too.

You got the spooky vibe spot on, the title is great, you had me on edge, but then there's not really anything unexpected that shocked me.

Maybe if Brenda looks and there's nothing under the bed, nothing in the wardrobe, she checks everything, soothes him - tells him: there's nothing to fear, but fear itself - Mom kisses him goodnight, walks out, and then kid looks up and there it is, clinging to the ceiling. Tony tries to scream - no sound - It dives on top of him -  then the sound of his scream, a jarring smash cut, roll some creepy jarring music.

The bones of this one are definitely here.

This set its course from the opening and didn't veer at all - when walking a well-trodden path we need something different, a USP.

Nice effort though

Not sure the logic.  If you look at them, you can't see them, but if you look at them through a reflection you can?  Note; in horror logic isn't always the most important thing.  
Still. Scarey.

Not a real twist for me. It was pretty much clear that both will end up dead. And the writing is a bit confusing to understand as to what is going on since so much happens in the sense of action. Could have been written much simpler.

Very nice writing, it set up the tension and atmosphere well. it's just, well this has been done to death and there was no twist at the end.

This:

Quoted Text BRENDA Stay right there. Whoever you are... just stay right there!

Struck me as odd dialogue for the moment.

Otherwise - really well written. Alas - premise wise, a really warned premise - monster under the bed/in the closet done a million times

I like the idea of a the old monster under the bed, but the mother acted very weird, like this was almost a daily occurrence. First she speaks to the monster, then she immediately knows to grab a mirror to see better (?). It seems more like the actions of a superhero than a mother seeing monsters attack her son.

A simple reworking of those elements, and this could be a scary, effective horror short.

'Brenda sighs, wipes sleep from her eyes. With a dancer’s
grace, she strides up onto the covers.'

IDK, that line struck me very funny when I visualized it.

What's with the mirror? Did I miss something here? Overall, a very straightforward little story that was what Tony claimed, so no surprise except we're not supposed to be expecting them? Parameters aside, a gripping story. Good work, writer.

Good sharp story, succinct and thorough. Just no twist for me.
Well done.

It's all about that jump scare ending, and I think visually this will deliver in spades. The monsters are real, that's the story.

Nice job.

Nicely handled for the most part.  Feels too stock with a reliance on jump scares to do the heavy lifting.  Simple enough and I think you captured the urgency of the moment in the writing but a monster under the bed needs more of a fresh angle to land with any weight.

Another one that feels a little too familiar imho, and the 'twist' isn't really there... boy says there are monsters and there are.

Writing was good though.

Not really a twist. Writing gets sloppy towards the end. But...I actually still like it! It'd make for an effective short if handled properly.

Good effort. :)

Monsters under the bed told many times over.

No real twist here maybe the son could have been the Monster??? anything to change up a played out scene.

Sorry didn't work for me

So there really are monsters under the bed and in the closet. Given that we’re almost expecting that, I felt like it really wasn’t a twist.  Maybe if she was going to take a shower and the monster was hiding behind the curtain, or she goes downstairs and the monster’s in a comfy chair watching TV, that would be a twist.  It’s not badly written at all, just wanted a little more out of it.

Lot of tension going on, kept me intrigued for sure, but the payoff left me confused. There was a black hole in the closet and Tony succumbed to that, and a slithering gnarly toothed thing under the bed lashing out at Brenda. I’m thinking there was some type of ominous portal in the closet, perhaps a gateway to a demonic lair that somehow opened up for… some reason? Curious story, like a ‘Monsters Inc’ thing going on, but instead of harvesting fear, they harvest souls? Just a thought. Best of luck.

Something under the bed is one of my favorite genres.

But adding an odd set of rules to the game, that Brenda immediately intuits, weakens this tale.  And the ending isn't a twist at all, but is instead where tales such as this inevitably lead.

It's a breeze to read, though.  I suspect this is an author that has better works in their library of titles.

It's well written, but this scene has a become a cliche in horror movies.

Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster. And if you can somehow work that into the whole fear/belief in monsters thing?

This is good, visual writing, and  definitely qualifies as horror, but I'm not really seing a twist here. It's horror, of course the monsters are real :)

There is a shock, though.

Good job!

Thanks for the notes.

I somehow got confused and thought jump scare ending counted as a "shock". The rules were very simple and clear. But they also had a lot of words and reading words is hard. That's why we use memes now.

Not sure there's much here even if it had a twist. But might give it another go down the road so am keeping your comments in mind.

Quoted from MarkItZero Didn't see a twist at the end. Gotta find a more unique angle cuz monster under the bed is done to death. Lights Out had the shadow thing, Smiling Man has... a smiling man. Something that makes it a more unique monster.

Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges.  Jeff was so bad at it  :)

Quoted from bert Points for totally dunking on your own script, though, which always amuses me when done correctly in these challenges.  Jeff was so bad at it  :)

That was a light dunking, I let myself off easy. There was one other script where I really had to put myself in my place.