Swiped Away by No Name - A man digitally haunted for past sins.  Short, Horror

Wish that could be a real thing. Cool story. Read quickly and smooth. Nice job writer!

Good story, rapist gets what he deserves... though I'm not quite sure about the way he dies at the end with a laser coming from his phone. Not sure if that would play well on screen. You do have a nice jump scare with the photo ala Stephen King's "It" (the mini-series version). All in all, I liked it. The writing was good.

-- Michael

Hi writer,

You had me until the laser. Sure it was a twist but it was too far for me. It comes off unbelievable in an already unbelievable situation.

I think what you have up until the laser is really good and worth working on after the challenge, but IMO ditch the laser and end this another way.

A well written piece otherwise.

All the best.

Yeah not too bad.

The "past victim" angle is one seen many times and I'm not sure this offered anything fresh or exciting. The laser was, strange. I think if filmed the laser angle could come off a bit cheesy to be honest.

Nice effort though

Nicely written. The laser was comical though and is off-tone with the rest of the story. Maybe the ghost has hacked his Amazon account and ordered him a beer that he's allergic to or something and he chokes on the drink? Just a suggestion, it feels like it needs a different ending but that's just me.

Never used any of those dating apps, those days are far behind me, I wouldn’t even know how to date at this time in my life for that matter… what would I wear? Perhaps he should have swiped right.

Not a huge shock value going on, a strange twist wherein a picture that’s supposed to be static becomes animated is not really bad, at least for all the Generation X dudes who might read this script. If you were a teen in the 80s, looking at skin mags, you prayed daily to everything omnipotent in the universe to make those pages animate, just once… please, God! So, it’s more like a drunken dream this guy might be having. Anyway, not sure it all works for me, but a bigger story could be lurking in these couple of pages. Best of luck.

I wanted CALEB (30), slumped in a recliner. to die as soon as I read his name.

Good twist.

- Don

Good effort. Very Japanesey. Reminded my of The Ring type films.

By laser I'm thinking you mean more a kind of blinding white light rather than a laser ray gun type thing, right?

Good job

Good writing. I wanted Caleb dead from the very beginning, so thank you. It was very fitting that he met Maria again on his favorite app, and that it was the cause of his timely demise.

It's an okay twist. The laser thing was a bit confusing. I don't understand what he did to let her into his house. Just using the phone? Would rather it be something where he has to make a choice or is lead into a decision that brings her out. Something that can really ratchet up the tension. Pretty good job overall though.

I think I watch too many horror movies (I definitely do), I'm starting to sound like an asshole even to myself. Had I not seen the dead coming to get revenge in everything from EC comics to modern anthologies, this would be really well done. I like that the dead are using technology to avenge their deaths too. But, revenge of the dead is such a staple in the horror genre, it's just really difficult to get to excited about it, myself.

Great writing though!

This one is pretty neat. Creative and dark. Mostly well written(spotted a missing period on page 2).

The ending just doesn't hit very hard. I wanted this dude to suffer more. lol

Good entry. :)

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Well written, great twist.
Very well done.

Argh! Another great story with one aspect that really took it down a notch (probably just me). The laser shooting out from the phone! I know you only had 24 hours but this deserves a rewrite with a different demise. I don't know what but anything else. You really have a good premise and concept - good work.

I am buying into the premise here, and liking it, but the specific means of Maria's revenge leaves me cold.

In fact, if played out on screen, I think it would provoke more laughs than chills.

You've got the bones of something here, though, and the author is encouraged to return to this one later given the luxury of additional time, thought, and pages.

This was great until the end... I'd suggest maybe he turns round and Maria is there in his apartment, something like that... the laser thing didn't work for me.

Good job!

The setup was more for a comedy but then it darkened... in a good way

I really enjoyed this.

Although I don't know if i would have ended with Maria putting her hands back covering her face... Maybe a wry smile now that she killed her rapist.

Overall a really good entry

Really enjoyed this one.  Totally original thinking – maybe you revealed the twist a little too early but I can live with it.  Great use of social media for the script.  Nicely done.

Terrific, up until the method with which she disposes of him.

If I think of anything I'll let you know. ;)
Great concept.

Nothing to add except one more anti-laser vote.

Overall, good job.

Is Maria’s voice coming from the phone or as a V.O.? I mean, it would be voiced over if filmed, but where are we hearing the voice coming from?  Maybe good to clarify for the reader.

Strong writing.  I was with you until the laser phone, that kind of tripped me up.  Just feels too over the top.  Maybe there’s a more subtle approach to app based vengeance?  I like the tech and dating app angle - gives you something different to work with and it stands out just not on board with that ending.

This started well for me, I liked the potential directions set-up here.

I wasn't into the ending, it veered towards silly territory. I think that with a few more pages this could be really great. Can build up with tinder glitching, swiping left on the ghost just brings her up more, etc. Could be fun.

Nice work~