The Guileless by #123 - A woman sees a little boy on an empty street in the middle of the night.  Short, Horror

Not for me - I really didn't get the theme of the story - i.e., not sure what the point was.

So the kid is bait? Nice. Your writing could use a bit more of a punch though. Was a little on the drab side. Better descriptions to help with atmosphere. But great idea. Nice job!

I liked this. Short but sweet. And the kid using himself as bait for an unseen force... for a chocolate bar lol. I could see this being produced (it's pretty much no-budget).

Good work.

-- Michael

Nice twist, the ending makes it work. There could be a bit more concern from her and the writing at the end should be faster with sudden rise in tension. Not a bad effort though. I've seen worse at festivals.

Hi writer,

Another one with underlined scene headings, me thinks someone slipped two scripts in?

This actually felt very similar to another short in this challenge, The Shadows I think it was.

This one wasn't nearly as well written.

Not for me.

All the best.

Don't Look Now, it's another pursuer becomes the victim film. At least it was a Good Samaritan this time.

But I really did like the idea that kids will pretty much do anything for candy.

Writing is a bit rough here. Some awkward phrasing throughout. Decent twist. This just needs a solid rewrite to punch up the prose. And lose the underlined scene headings. :P

Hi Writer

I liked it, Kid bait's victims for a chocolate bar (The kid's parents should be ashamed however)

You had more space to punch up the writing though, create the atmosphere, maybe build up a little more sympathy for the victim.

Good work

Too samey to others here but not as well written for it to have much punch for me.

Good luck though

Unfortunately, the twist is predictable from the get go. Writing was ok. Could have been better.  

I like that the kid is bait and gets a chocolate bar as a reward, it just needed more and you had another page you could have used to give me more.

Similar to another entry but shorter and not as well executed but the premise is solid, using a child as bait for anything is creepy enough in itself.
Well done.

So the Boy lures Susan to her death at the hands of an Unseen Force in exchange for a chocolate bar. You packed a lot of story into one page and I liked it, but it seems as if Evil has decided to eliminate the middle man.

Another Little shop of Horrors entry lol

The second one to feed a monster and use themselves as bait.  

Pretty good entry and all for a chocolate bar

This felt a little too abrupt for me and the ending not earned.

Needs more buildup imho

So, yeah, I get it and it's the old bait and switcheroo. Written in a rush, perhaps? Overall, I like the story but it definitely needs some cleaning up. You had a whole second page to set mood and challenge. Low budget for sure! And it does meet the challenge.

I thought he’d be a ghost Boy for sure, so you had me there.  Not sure what to make of this one or how the Boy eating the chocolate ties into the unseen monster.  Whether they’re working together or one and the same thing.  This feels a little too hastily conceived, even given the short time frame.  Just can’t take anything from the payoff.  Do you even need the Boy?  Maybe if she’d just walked past, seen the chocolate and been lured in that way - the perils of temptation and all that.  Too little to work with for me I'm afraid.

A one pager! Nice.  This is the second story I’ve read where kids are used to lure adults to become food.  Not sure why the woman was concerned about the kid, or would chase after him (lesson learned from these shorts – don’t interact with homeless kids because you become monster food).  Pretty good job here.  Best of luck with it.

One page.  Nice effort in that respect, but still a bit flat.

I do like the title, though, and the way that plays out here.

Had to lookup Guileless: devoid of guile; innocent and without deception. Oh… that’s what that means. Anyway, I think this kid is anything but (innocent and without deception), innocent maybe is the sense he’s only six, but I think that lil fucker knows what he’s doing; he’s luring people to their demise for a candy bar, devil child he be. At one page it fits the bill and has a tale that’s all so real: a chocolate junkie will do anything for that fix! Best of luck.

Short and simple. Didn't do much for me but the kid walking away nonchalantly with his candy bar was fun.

Clearly, the chocolate bar is the star of this short. Shows what even a single layer of subtext can add to a script.

Otherwise, this is fine. Not great, not bad. Easy to film, so it might just get made.

This short is missing the following:

The Boy walks away from the alleyway finishing the chocolate bar and discards the wrapper.

SUPER
Snickers logo.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
You're not you when you're hungry.


Overall, not bad. Good effort, writer.

I liked the atmosphere. Needs higher stakes.

Writer,

Not bad for a one pager, but not great either. Kind of left me wanting a little bit more.

Steve

Thank you all for reading.

There are comments related mostly to the atmosphere and how there could be more to heighten the tension. It is true but somehow I wanted this to be a one-pager. I don't know why but I wanted to. Initially, this was two pages but I trimmed it down to one.

Also, my initial idea was different before writing. But it changed completely once I started writing(as it mostly does). Like Susan gets her phone hacked and the hacker/killer tries to lure her. It had its plot issues so I had to abandon it.

Thank you once again.

You would've been better off using the full page count, I think.

This was essentially the same story as one of the other scripts, and effectively a riff on another one I can think of as well.

It's fine as is, but lacks some originality to make it stand out.