What Goes Around by Ka-Bar - A killer's past catches up to him.  Short, Horror

I enjoyed the supernatural element of this, a killer getting what's coming to him (as suggested by the title). I just feel like the main twist happened to soon... though you end this quite nicely (sting in the tail). Nice work.

-- Michael

A nice little twist

Gory enough to satisfy the horror fans.

Congrats on entering

Just okay for me.  My number one problem is that I couldn't see the rationale for the first woman going into the apartment - the connection between her and Lara was lost on me

I loved the visuals in this one, and the concept. I did have to read it twice because I ended up a little confused on certain things. The end though..she allows him to keep killing women so she can cause him pain every time?? Not sure how I feel about that.

Nice entry.

Very good for what it is, but it feels like something I've seen a lot before. A killer is tormented in hell.

I know this is a different film, but I wish he didn't start right off the bat as a killer. Maybe have him pretending to be a nice guy, or even he's simply out on a date rather than stalking someone. Then it may be more surprising when the woman attacks him.

Still, this would be a swell gore piece in an ABCs or Death anthology or something similar.

You went for some powerful and graphic revenge, kudos for taking that risk. An interesting twist too. I do think she could toy with him more at the beginning. She's so cool and collected about the whole thing it drains the suspense a bit. Maybe she could play the victim, mess with his head... although that might require more than 2 pages. Anyways, solid work.

I think I see what you were going for in the beginning. He was stalking that woman, and when she fled out of her apartment it surprised him enough to want to see what scared her so much. So the woman saw her as a ghost, I take it, or something like that.

"You already killed me. I was number three. Don't you recognize me?" That's a sweet bit of dialogue. I also like her last line, well done.

So he's doomed to spend the rest of his life experiencing the slashings and eviscerations he did to her over and over again. I expect he'll be checking himself out of life fairly soon.

Great little revenge story, it just stumbles a bit getting set up.

Hi writer,

Another one that's just middle of the road for me, it just feels done.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

The action, in the beginning, was clumsy and not clear. Got it in the end though but it was a struggle.

"Ghost of previous victim" feels a bit done, but I liked the fact he didn;t just die, she will make him die over and over (Since the number of victims was mentioned earlier, I would have added in there something about he has to die eleven more times before shes done)

I would ramp up the pain and agony the guy is suffering as well, make it really horrific.

Not bad

Nice supernatural twist here and definitely visual. Enjoyed it.  

Nicely written and had the twist, just very familiar. If every killer got their comeuppance in such a manner, there would be very few murders. So what is it about this woman that allows her to exact revenge? I know you only had 2 pages, but it would be nice to know why only 1 of the 12 victims had the power to exact revenge from the grave.

Not sure what is happening in this story, is it a dream or does a ghost break into peoples apartments, scare the occupants away so she can continuously torture a murderer?
But enjoyable none the less.
Well done.

The writing is kinda clunky in parts, and the story isn't too original. But you do have some great gore, so kudos there! ;D

This one is just okay to me. Good effort. :)

Nice visuals on the gore front but...

Why does the 3rd victim come back now, another 9 women have been killed.

What connections to the girl who runs off?

Some pretty graphic gore in this fest - good work. The ending was very satisfying too. The introduction and his name being the Surgeon just makes you too curious and takes you out of the read. Overall, a great comeuppance story of revenge.

Some freak getting his comeuppance by a person they killed. Lots of gore ‘n shit spilling about, got a supernatural angle, Hollywood gobbles at these concepts, but there’s really no backstory… I know, I know; only 2 pages. I don’t think 2 pages is our main issue… it’s the 2 days thing that fucked me up.

Anyway, not wicked shocking, not like to the bone, but things got weird fast, and I’m still trying to process what happened to the Surgeon… murder I guess;

Neighbors across the hall:  “Hey, what’s going on in here?!”

Murder… revenge murder from the grave is what’s going on. Best of luck.

There's quite a bit to like here.

The visuals are strong, and I like the ending. Kinda cool that she steps into and out of him.

That said:

I hope this comment doesn't come off too strong, but, you only had two pages to work with, and I feel like you wasted one. I'd suggest cutting out the "other girl" angle and giving us more of the main interaction. Establish some of the how and the why. Like, there's lore behind this, right? If not, create some and let us in on it.

Good title. Fits in well with story. Not sure I get what was going on with the first girl and why she rushes in and then rushes out. Was it from seeing the ghost? Reveal comes a little early but still a decent payoff. Good job here.

I love the idea of the ghost/victim getting her revenge.

I personally think you overdid it with the gory detail which detracted a bit for me.
Compelling, but just pull back a bit on the splatter and make it more about his mental anguish and her payback.

Good job for managing to fit that into two pages. Fair bit of gore and wasn't what I was expecting.

Good luck

This is an effective script. It is similar to Midnight Mangler. I just happened to read them consecutively. I am not sure why the woman in the opening left the door open and let the killer slip into her apartment. Did I miss something?

For once the badguy gets it... and just when you think you saw the twist, here comes another twist.

Good job!

Writer,

Gloriously gory! Liked it. However, very simple and maybe too straightforeward. The ghost appears - but why and how? It's a question that needs explaining for me. Otherwise, pretty good.

Steve

"Forgettable face" made me laugh and I big time like that description. If you're casting, that for me would be a great description to work off.

The short itself wasn't really my bag, and some of the writing made the script a slightly odd read.

Still, it will definitely appeal to those who like gore.