Shuteye by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Nubbins Sawyer - Short, Horror - A disturbance in the apartment above keeps downstairs neighbors from getting a good night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is the least of the worries as the disturbance works its way down, one apartment at a time. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Okay, yeah. This is pretty good. Would really be nasty if it was a high-rise apartment block and each night this… ‘thing’ just starts at a penthouse unit and works its way down. Gnarly twisted theme, best of luck.

Tom's bed must be pretty high off the ground if he can reach the ceiling...since, due to his Napoleon complex, I assumed he's short.

I thought you were gonna end this with blood dripping on her face. Still...I like this idea and super creepy twist with something deadly making it's way downstairs!! Really love that twist!

Nice job writer!

What's up, Nubbins? Great work here. Love the implication that the murderer is simply moving from floor to floor. Impressive writing. This one will likely end up one of my favorites. ;D

Well done

Hi writer,

Decent little script you've got here. Well written and an easy read.

Not much else to add.

All the best.

I like it - someone/something working its way down an apartment block.

What didn't fit for me was he knocked on the door at the end, better to have had one of them leave to go knock on the door upstairs to keep the loop going - could just be me though

All the best

Amazing twist here! Liked the idea of a literal 'terror descending'. Great work!

Oh, yeah. This was great. Low budget and could be filmed all in the same room. So much in two pages - great work writer.

Good one, no comments.  Hits all the beats and sticks the landing.

Not my favorite that I've read, but at the same time, I cannot think of anything this script is missing.

Should be at least a contender this round.

Good job. I like the simplicity of this one, yet the horror is very effective. And the idea of a killer going to each neighbor who complains works really well. And a noisy neighbor is something most people have had to deal with, so it's very relatable. Good work!

Nicely written, not sure of there is a twist in there, but I liked the premise a lot.
Well done.

He can reach the ceiling from his bed?

And she keeps a broom in her bedroom?

Tidy these up and it'll work even better.

Yep, your logline reeled me in...

To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good." there's really nothing wrong with this one. Best of Irish luck! :)

I like the chain of events concept. The complainer becomes the victim.

The knock at the door, however, breaks the pattern that has been established. The first guy went upstairs and knocked at the door where the noise is happening. Then he is attacked in his own apartment. The final couple, however, gets a knock at their door. Does the killer knock on your door or sneak inside your room?

Am I reading this wrong? So be it. A little lukewarm on this one.

I liked this one.

Although i was taken back by the knock on the door at the end... now we have a polite creature lol.

A few small issues to clean up but a great entry

A rather extreme way of dealing with neighbors who don't like the noise you make, but this a good cautionary tale, nonetheless. Unfortunately, it's rather unrealistic, since gunplay would more than likely be involved, at least here in the USA.

I’ll give you credit for something different here.  Not sure the two stories really tie together – in one, Tom is grabbed from under the bed, in the other, there’s a knocking at Nancy’s door.  In both cases, it feels like the story doesn’t necessarily have an ending, but I suppose we’re to make up our own ending. I guess that’s fine, just kind of wanted to know where you were going with it.  Still, good effort here.

Really good writing on display here, and effective. It took me a moment to realize the killer must have entered his apartment when he went upstairs, but the old lady didn't leave. Seems he didn't put up as much of a fight as his upstairs neighbor. And the knock made me understand it wasn't supernatural either, which was my first thought.

So, yeah, it hints at possibly more interesting directions before it comes crashing back to mundane reality. But as far as murdering floor after floor of people simply because they're more concerned about disturbances than concerned about the welfare of others goes, this one's quite good.

Simple and effective, ticks all the boxes and written well. My only gripe is the killer changes tact and instead of luring the next victim out of the apartment so he/she/it can sneak in they just bang on the door. If that had happened to the first guy, it wouldn't have been as interesting so just something to bear in mind there.

Just to tag onto what everyone has said... fix the inconsistency in the ending (the knock on the door) and this is sure to get made.

Good job.

Nice hook in the logline - now I want to know what’s going on up there.

Tightly written with a satisfying payoff.  The most effective and well-rounded I’ve read so far.  Maybe if it ended on the final couple preparing to go up to Tom’s apartment - as in the cycle repeating rather than the knock at the door?  Otherwise solid work.

I wish there was more!

The building spookiness was fun, but it may need another couple pages to breathe.

Nice work~

Writer,

Good writing, good build up. So-so reveal. Not bad, but not among the best. Good Try!

Steve

This started off strong for me and then it kind of fizzled out. I wanted more! Give me the other 5-8 pages of this short.

Writer, I hope you expand on this story and continue it as a full story.

A solid entry.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Like everyone else, I threw this together rather quickly and shabbily. But I'm glad people seem to like it.

I understand the "symmetry" everyone wanted in the story, with the killer doing the same thing to the lady as she did to the guy, but wouldn't that be expected? I thought of ending it with a blood drop hitting her head, but I dunno, just felt predictable. And the killer, at least in my mind, wasn't patterning the SAME EXACT mode of killing his victims from floor to floor. To me, it was just a killer reacting to potential witnesses.

But I did put an extra half hour -- which is a lot for me because I'm lazy -- into the 4-page version.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qFRdcfdlVbmNW0X1VXSecwwjh4cdbJbA/view?usp=sharing

This is a good one.

Well written and nicely paced. You got a lot into the two pages, and the quality in scripts has largely correlated with the economy used twinned with a clear story and structure, as you would expect.

This is 100% one of the best entries.

Ooh, I didn't comment on this one.

Suffice to say, terrific job here, Michael.
I would have rather liked the blood dripping on Nancy's head.

Great as is. Looking forward to reading the 4 page version.

Okay, new version of the script is up (and moved to horror short section from the May challenge - also moved newer version of Bastard Saint to short horror section).

Nice! I see a lot of potential with this ;)

Quoted from ChrisV Nice! I see a lot of potential with this ;)

Thanks, CJ! Love what you did with "Bee-El" BTW!

-- Michael

Sold! And purchased by a NYC-based filmmaker, so it'll be cool to finally be on set for one of my films (that I hadn't produced). Thanks to Libby for the review of the script, that's how it was found..

-- Michael

That's awesome, Dude! Congratulations on yet another sale. :)

Brilliant news, Michael! And you get to be there? Very exciting.  :D

So looking forward to seeing this!

Another great news from you, Michael. Congrats!! That goes to show how awesome reviewer Libby is.

Congrats, Michael.

Don't forget to keep us updated on it's progress

Congrats!