Ash Hole by David C Lambertson (eldave1) writing as Nameless - Short, Comedy - A group of mourners take vengeance at the wake of a man they despise. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love the title

Well-written and certainly comedic in tone (no real belly laughs but still light-hearted fun). The ending was a bit of a let down, probably because halfway through I really wanted the ending to be that there was a mixup and they had the wrong ashes

Still, very nice effort, good use of the location and object.

Well done

That title lured me to read this early. Good job with it.

Interesting dilemma, neat solution to the problem. I felt the setup was a little rough, you didn't even need the explanation of why there was a spoon, a glass, and a bowl there, or even what they were doing. The first example explains it all and the pace would have been higher, and it would have had the element of surprise to it that makes good comedy.

The ending could have been better. It works okay, maybe even better without the reveal. Or maybe take it a step further and Ray is speaking with his own wife and it turns out maybe they both were guilty of sleeping with him and he and Jimmy end up fighting over who gets to dump the last of the ashes.

A good entry nonetheless, well done.

Nice writing.

An amusing set up that doesn't really go anywhere beyond the initial idea. It would've been nice if Bobby Joe did one more assholish thing from beyond the grave, like have the toilet back up on everyone or the duo get stuck with a bill for clogging up the funeral home's plumbing. I guess an affair with one of the duo's girlfriends is somewhat satisfying though. But it should end on Bobby Joe's asshole smiling face rather than the girlfriend.

Still, we all know a dude like this, so well done in letting us get our revenge through your script.

Quoted from Cacutshaw Nice writing. An amusing set up that doesn't really go anywhere beyond the initial idea. It would've been nice if Bobby Joe did one more assholish thing from beyond the grave, like have the toilet back up on everyone or the duo get stuck with a bill for clogging up the funeral home's plumbing. I guess an affair with one of the duo's girlfriends is somewhat satisfying though. But it should end on Bobby Joe's asshole smiling face rather than the girlfriend. Still, we all know a dude like this, so well done in letting us get our revenge through your script.

I like it.

Yay! A comedy.

Easy breezy read there. Pretty decent although the ending was just so so for me. Still, I enjoyed it.

Good luck

Funny title. Though, the odd underlining bugs the crap outta' me. lol

Writing is very sloppy, like it was written in a rush. Nothing a quick rewrite can't fix. :)

If these people hate Bobby Joe so much, why are they at his funeral? I know, it's an absurd comedy. I'm just poking holes. :P

Not laugh out loud funny, but I chuckled a bit. Good work here. :)

Nicely done. I agree with Cacutshaw though. Seems perfectly set up for Bobby Joe to pull off one final grand douchebag move from beyond the grave. Fun concept and solid execution overall.

First one nice title

Cute comedy, not laugh out loud but worked with the perimeters.

Good job on entering.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Robby grabs some paper towels

Who is Robby?

It felt like a lot of repetition after the reveal of the idea at the top of page 3.

I think I like the idea of this more than the execution.

All the best.

Ha! This was great!

Quoted Text BALD MAN He forgot to feed my dog. Ray reaches for the spoon. BALD MAN For seven days. The dog died. Ray reaches for the glass. The Bald Man dips it in the Urn.

Great comedic timing there ^^^

And a great way to punctuate. Might be my favorite of the bunch.

-- Michael

Nice title.

Thanks for the chuckles - enjoyed it.

Fade in and Fade out are missing.

This is the absurdist kind of comedy I was hoping to find in one of these urn comedies.

I mean, it's the obvious thing to have happen with ashes in a bathroom, but it took the goofiest route there.

Good job!

Great title. Low budget, simple and effective and fits the parameter nicely.

Entertaining and a subject matter a lot of people can relate to in different ways. Funny but not LOL funny.

It needs more to take it to the next level. Once we get halfway in and they start dumping the ashes the story doesn't really go anywhere unexpected. I think it's well worth progressing with this script outside the parameters of the challenge as this could be a cracking short comedy.

Great job!

Brilliant!

I think Matt's idea if you wanted to beef it up (that they have the wrong ashes) would be a nice twist on the whole thing, but I liked the quietly funny note you finished on too. That landed nicely with me.

It's a great commentary too.
Some people are real 'ashholes' while alive, but we have to bid them a decent farewell. That's as it should be, polite, respectful, but waxing lyrical? I went to a funeral like that once...

One criticism, and it's probably that you had to get it over the line fast, but...that (above) is not a logline.

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyable this one.
Would make a great lil' short film.

P.S. Nice idea from Cactus too - finishing on the poster/photo of Bobby-Joe, which you already kinda do in that last shot anyway.

Nice writing with funny story. Really liked it. Good job!

This is the best of of the urn in a restroom comedies that I've read so far. Some good humor and banter. As others mentioned, close on Bobby Joe's portrait like the opener except now it's defaced with black eye, mustache, and missing tooth?

Good stuff.

Clever. But it all goes by the numbers. Needs conflict. What if the mourners battle each other for the right to flush the ashes?

Wow, This guy was a real jerk. I really like the writing, I can see everything. I love the ending, Of course she slept with him lol. it's great.

Written very well and very funny. Loved the brothers. Dialog was great. But...the ending with Darlene's line...kind of a let down. Beef up that last quarter page and someone will film this.

GREAT JOB!

Great title. Though, I think FUCK YOU, BOBBY JOE would also work well.

I really like the setup. The payoff wasn't quite there, but it's real close. I don't think you need to complicate matters with the spoon, glass and bowl. But, you got a few chuckles out of it, so I'm probably wrong there.

Only nit for me... I couldn't get over the idea that you could dish out this volume of ashes. How big was this guy? I won't score down because of it, of course, but that's a LOT of ashes.

Thanks for sharing!

Liked this a lot. Well written and funny as feck.
Well done.

Liked this a lot, read well, nice setup and made me chuckle.

Just feel the ending needs a bit more work.

My fave so far

Writer,

Thought I was all done and found this. Pretty good. Pretty good story, though I’d think with a premise like this you had a chance to up the comedy levels to greater heights. But good as is. Nice work.

Steve

I like it. Smoothly written with a fun concept.  Seeing the guests queuing up to take turns dumping the ashes for Bobby Joe’s wrongs might be better re-worked as the final payoff but all in all a solid little comedy to work with.  Good work.

ahaha just read it. This is so funny.

The title is very fitting too. Maybe introduce Darlene earlier and have the final line from her said at the end?

Anyway, very funny, Dave. congrats)

Quoted from khamanna ahaha just read it. This is so funny. The title is very fitting too. Maybe introduce Darlene earlier and have the final line from her said at the end? Anyway, very funny, Dave. congrats)

ah,,,, thanks, Kham - appreciate it. And yes - now that I can get by 4 pages - going to into Darlene and a few others up front.

This script is currently in production by three different folks. This is the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqK4B2HMl9w

ROFL... one of the comedy points in this film were absolutely genius; the opening. Oh my gosh, I literally laughed my butt off. In hindsight - I should've seen that coming. Went back and took a look at the script. I see they made a few changes. Um, not sure which ending I liked better. Oh yea I do.

Overall very good quality storytelling, good lighting, good editing and excellent buildup! Enjoyed it. It'll be interesting to compare this one with the other two when all is said and done.

Anywaz, congratulations Dave.  :)_ghostie gal

Yep, echoing what my learned scribe, Andrea said with the ROFL, and I also re-read the script (after I watched this). The opening was a shock, but pretty funny too, and it works. However...*
Overall this was a class act. Great casting, and the acting was terrific, as was the all-round vibe.

* I still prefer your ending, Dave.
That said, I'm now keen to see what the other guys do with your script. I doubt somehow that this one can be topped but you never know.

I imagine you'd be pretty pleased with this effort
I sure would be. :)

Congrats! I actually remember this script, it's a good one. Can't go wrong with three separate productions.

They did a great job with this one, definitely one to be proud of.

Thanks, everyone

Yes - I am pleased with their effort. They were also very cool folks to work with