Blind Justice by Marnie Mitchell (mmmarnie) writing as Zane Blue - Short, Crime - Thinking he's gotten away with murder, a man realizes there is more than one type of justice. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Writer

Don't know why, but I loved this description "whatever Wade used to be, he�s not anymore."

Revenge is better than justice, eh. Excellent writing, felt like I was there amongst it all. The story was ok, not terrible, but not fantastic. The train station wasn't exactly pivotal to the story, won't be marking it down just wish it was put to better use. I think period pieces are notoriously expensive, maybe a more modern setting would be appropriate from a budget perspective.

The object, however, where was the body part? was it the ommission of a body part? (the missing eyes)

Well done, regardless.

Supers should always go after some action block when fading in. i.e., what are you superimposing over?

Dug the vibe of this.  The body part didn't really drive the story - but it was close enough for me.

Appreciated seeing an old western in this challenge. Kudos

Some pretty decent writing here. Atmospheric, visual, and nicely paced...

My only gripe is the ending left me wanting more. Not sure exactly what, but the pay off didn't feel like it was worthy of what came before it.

Still, it's a pretty solid piece.

While it does have a train and a body part, there's no way in can be done on a low budget. Wade and Biggs also seem out of place in a period piece. Wade acts like a spoiled frat boy and Biggs a frustrated psychologist. Mainly, though, taking Wade out to a train station so the prostitutes can pop his eyeballs in an out-of-the-way place just doesn't seem logical.

Like the logline on this one.

It's a strong piece, and all put together very nicely.

My main two gripes that cropped up:

- Some of the dialogue felt a little contemporary (could just be me)
- The dream sequence read a little awkwardly

I do wonder if this should be something more of a public lynching; something of a secret for the whole town. Gives it something of a Wicker Man complicity for the community.

This was pretty good. Made me think of "Unforgiven", at least the prostitute aspect of it. This could've done without the dream sequence. I think it needs to be made more clear that the prostitutes will be executing their own brand of justice. As of now, I didn't really see them as dangerous or threatening to Wade. All we see is them on horses, no weapons or anything. So, when we hear Wade screaming, I didn't really believe it as much.

Still, good effort.

-- Michael

SUPER should be OVER BLACK, or after the scene heading.

Otherwise very tightly written. :)

Think you nailed the challenge as well. Eyeballs are body parts, after all. :)

Great work here. Love this one. ;D

One could argue the location is incidental here.

Eyes are body parts, and considering the crime and Wade's comeuppance I think it was pivotal to plot.

Very nicely written.

Loved this line:

There’s more than one type of
justice, Wade. Sometimes our own
mind can be the worst prison of
all.

Great job.

Nice use of an old Western .

Very well written and thoroughly enjoyed

Great entry

A western! Nice, not sure how this could be done low budget but perhaps.

Excellent writing, really immersive. The dream sequence threw me off for a bit and I had to re-read that last two pages again.

My main gripe is the location is not the focus of the story at all, in fact, it feels shoehorned in. So I will be taking this into account when scoring, but it is an excellent piece of writing.

Nice to see a Western. It's the least popular genre, and you nailed it. Bravo!

Excellent writing, tone, character. My only real beef is with the story. That line about the mind being the worst prison of all suggests one thing, but then it reverses course and becomes literal eye for an eye revenge justice, which we've seen plenty of times before. Still, the writing is compelling enough to make this entertaining despite its story.

Switching from a dream to reality is definitely not continuous for that header.

Really well done, I like it a lot.

I don't see the use of the location integral here. That been said, the writing was pretty nice. The only thing was that the, literal 'eye for an eye' type revenge, whereas the dialogs convey more deeper menace. Overall, nice effort.

Good story overall, but the eyes really didn't take prominence as an object.  

The action lines could be cleaned up for a better, more visual read, with more emphasis on important action and less on body mechanics.  The last 3 action lines on page 2 were nothing more than body mechanics, things that can be generalized and left to the actors.  As it is, it's a bit too prose style for my liking.

Nevertheless, an enjoyable story.  I, too, felt a Unforgiven vibe.  Improved dialogue to match the period would do wonders.

Good stuff. Enjoyed the read.

Only problem I saw was that you set up a psychological payoff and gave us a physical one. I was really looking forward to the psychological justice.

Well done overall.

Nicely descriptive and biblical in it's payoff. An enjoyable revenge tale.
Well done.

Liking the historical setting - not budget friendly but different and I do appreciate a western. Might be you could have updated to a modern setting with a similar concept?  Very well written with a simple story that feels more complete than most.  A little stock perhaps but nicely done.

Enjoyed this one, reads nicely though I'm not convinced about the dream sequence.

Being picky, they eye are kind incidental, but they are there.

Good job.

Writer,

Nice job, but on page 3 you kinda lost me. Or I lost you. Was Wade waking from a dream, only to realize he really was getting killed? That's what I got from this, and if that's the case it didn't really work from me, because why not tell the story as the hooded person approaches and end it with that confrontation as opposed to a dream? If thats what happened. But I could be wrong. Sorry if this one went past me.

Steve

Nice writing. The story of frontier justice didn't really bring anything new to the table... or bench. I kind of wish there was some extra element to this to either pay off the Chelsea scene or make it different from a simple vigilante story. Good work with setting up the atmosphere and characters, though.

Very solid script. Enjoyed this one. I have sort of a thing for period pieces.

Hi writer,

Lucky last!!!!! F@#k yeah!

A western, the bane of my existence (genre wise that is :P)

Good writing and dialogue and a pretty decent tale as well, I think you set this up to end a different way, and I would have preferred that.

Not bad though.

All the best.

Great work. Shades of Unforgiven with the prostitutes seeking revenge angle. Good to have a Western in the mix.

Thanks for the reviews everyone! Like my round 1 entry, I wrote this in a rush which didn’t allow me to work out the kinks.

The idea was that the Sheriff was actually going to put Wade on the train to St. Louis where he would stand trial, but the prostitutes intercepted and he made the decision to allow them to do vigilante justice…because he believed what Wade said about him probably walking and not even standing trial.

The dream sequence was supposed to show what the Sheriff said about the mind being a prison…like Wade wouldn’t be able to escape what he did because his mind wouldn’t let him.

Finally…I should have ended with the train whistle, showing the train was actually coming but they opted to take care of Wade themselves. I did rewrite this, with a tweaked ending showing that and a few other changes. When Don has a chance, he'll post the rewrite.

Thanks again!