Ashes to Ashes by Godfrey Park - Love finds a way in the strangest of places.  
Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes.  Short, Romantic Comedy

Cute story. No problems with the writing, and you nailed the challenge. Even made me laugh. :)

Only hang up is... Was it a uni-sex bathroom?

Hi writer,

Be nice to know how old Thorny and Hannah for context.

Both character descriptions are very passive.

The dialogue is really clunky in this one.

Comedy is subjective and a really hard genre to get right. This didn't really work for me, sorry.

All the best.

I liked the dialogue, here. But for some reason, I couldn't get past the fact that they both entered the same bathroom with both of them carrying identical urns. It is an original meet cute scene I guess, but I just couldn't suspend my disbelief. And Thorny wrestling her to the ground felt a bit rapey for me lol. I dunno, this was just okay for me.

Mixed bag for me on this one.

The setup was a little out there. They meet in a bathroom, one waiting for a train, one for a plane - with identical urns - with parent's ashes. Maybe if you would have established that this bathroom was at a low-end crematorium - and EVERYBODY gets the same urn... instead, it feels so entirely coincidental.

That said, it's a comedy. And, sometimes you gotta just accept the premise and laugh along.

So, did I laugh? Some, yes. But, some of the laughs were blunted by awkward dialogue. "My mother's name wasn't on her urn." Feels expositional, which hides the humor.

Still, this was pretty good. A few laughs, if not entirely predictable. Thanks for sharing.

Cute story with decent banter. They couldn't have been in too much rush for their trips. There were no real laugh out loud moments but it was fun. Were they in a park?

Nice work, writer.

This looks like it'd be funny to watch, and triggering for anyone who actually has a loved one in an urn. Nice pace of moving the bit to bit, so anyone struck the wrong way doesn't have long to stew over it.

The last bit only makes sense if you know coming in it's a rom-com, but I did, so it works.

Really good job!

I had no problems with the set up

Comedy is just an exaggerated drama so it all works.

I enjoyed the ash angels.

Very cute and well done

Good job

Wow, tough crowd so far.

I loved it. It made me laugh out loud in more than one place.

HANNAH
... From what I can feel,
you’re not swinging a very big bat.  ;D

Could I get picky about bits? Maybe.
It landed for me overall.

Great job!

I'm seeing more and more unisex bathrooms these days, so why not? There are some good comedy bits in here and a couple of zingers, but it's all choreographed clunkily with beat after beat after beat. Physical comedy is a challenge to write in an engaging way and this doesn't quite make it there.

With some better jokes, this could play well.

This didn't land for me. Abbott and Costello don't go quite so over the top in situations with mummies or werewolves. I just kept wondering how these people go about their lives so aggressively without getting killed. The kiss at the end just seemed to be WTF. I guess I just felt that these two people do not exist in any world, real or imagined.

Right at the beginning, I guessed either the urns get mixed up and both leave with the wrong one or....yeah, they knock the urns over and the ashes get mixed up.

I never in a million years expected them to get it on in all the ash though! Luckily, no one else wherever they are needs to use the uni-bathroom.

Nicely written, meets all the criteria and the dialogue flowed well. The outcome with the urns are just telegraphed too early and the setup feels orchestrated when it should seem natural.

This was a fun read. I don't usually judge a comedy(which I like) too harshly since it ruins the fun for - well, for a comedy. Nice one.

I could see where it was going a mile off but so what, I still enjoyed it.

Good job

Great job here. Who cares why they both are carrying matching urns, you created something pretty funny out of two difficult parameters. I thought it was funny...the characters were ridiculous and the banter was fun. GREAT job here writer!!

This didn't give me the slightest bit of laughter.  The situation and the dialogue felt contrived most of the way through.  A woman walks into a single stall bathroom, sees a man already there... and tries to bully her way in?  Very unrealistic and lost me right from the start.  

The shift from anger to laughter and then flirting without any visual or verbal cues to suggest attraction was just too sudden.

The action lines were written better than most, so good job there.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Same issue I had with the last script – use the header to get us more info. Is this a restaurant bathroom, rest-stop, stadium, ???? Tell us what location it’s set in. It helps.

Speaking of which - had you done something is simple is setting the bathroom in a funeral parlor - then you could have handled all those nitty what are the odds of two people entering the bathroom with an urn issue.

Would have liked the character ages.

Comedy is tough - you gave me a couple of chuckles so KUDOS

I think I wouldn't have gone the Rom-com on this one - it seems forced because of 4 pages you have to move things (mutual interest) at an unnatural pace.

Writer,

Pretty good premise here, but way too over the top for my taste. It almost becomes a parody of itself. The main problem here is the dialogue. They spend most of their time calling each other names, single word insults, with no real interaction other than the spilt ashes. Lot of potential here, just felt the story deserved more.

Steve

Hey Writer

Alright, points for the Rom-com lol

I liked it, to be honest. Once I suspended my disbelief and just took it for the goofy rom-com I think it was supposed to be, then yeah, I liked it.
No laugh out loud moments but I quite enjoyed their awkward encounter

Although if watching, I think I would laugh out loud when he bitch slaps the ash our of her hand lol

Good work

Nice story but too much of a coincidence having them both go into the bathroom at the same time with identically un-named urns.
Funny story though, nice comedy touches throughout.
Well done.

There was definitely some humour here, but a meet cute amongst the ashes of dead people?

Didn't quite work for me.