Destination Unknown by Couldn't be bothered to come up with a pseudonym < sigh >  -   A Subway ride takes a man on the most unwanted journey.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part.   Short, Horror

Ha! Nice non-pseudonym.

Nice little short here. Some of the changes in beats felt a little rushed perhaps but considering the limited page count that's entirely understandable.

Decent job with the visuals and creating a sense of atmosphere too. Not at all easy with such a limited page count.

Main criticism would be that I think it might not be all that low budget, especially for a short.

Good job

This was entertaining.
So John was some kind of black market organ provider??

I enjoyed the use of Dante's inferno very clever twist.

Great work

I like the premise and story. Good visuals but John's dialogue was a bit off and forced.

The girl's early sightings were done well and her description too.

Excellent final destination - Good work

This was okay, though the budget would be overblown -- to shoot on a NYC subway car or even a platform, a million dollar insurance policy has to be taken out. Would probably be cheaper to shoot on a man-made set. But logistics aside, this was a decent story. Dialogue was forced though, the whole backstory provided by John through forced exposition.

I'm luke warm on this one. Solid effort, though.

-- Michael

The action, description, general vibe were all really solid.

The story premise - really solid.

The dialogue was poor. Just a a lot of places where John didn't need to say anything and places where he did that was way too OTN

Hi writer,

Quoted Text JOHN (CONT'D) I'm not a murderer. Yeah I removed your organs. Your body was still warm too. Do you have any idea how much money I made off you? John smiled. JOHN (CONT'D) Yeah you were quite a cache... Can I go now?

This all feels a bit mater of fact considering the situation.

This is another where I think you have a pretty decent idea, but didn't really do it justice in the execution. The dialogue could be stronger and the writing a bit leaner. Give this some love after the challenge and I think you'll ave a decent little short on you hands.

All the best.

Hmmm, John came across as a bit too nonchalant for my liking.

Writing needs a cleanup but overall was decent enough. Nice touch at the end with the circles of hell but overall it didn't really do it for me

Best of luck

Good visuals here. Considering John's dialogs, they felt a bit droll in regards to the subject of the story. Regardless, a pretty nice work.  

I really liked the visuals, for the most part. They're cinematic for good effect. The story is also pretty cool, Dante's always a fun ride.

I disliked John's dialogue almost throughout. The first two lines were good, after that it became him talking too much and saying very little. His reactions aren't even close to what's happening to him. And that reveal should have been a big deal, but it falls flat with his matter of fact delivery.

This would have been even creepier if it wasn't such a busy platform, if he were alone late at night having just missed a train. Cheaper, too. But I suppose somewhere in there he was pushed off the platform or something to be killed, even though there's no hint of it. Otherwise, why does she come at that moment?

Very cool idea, the execution needs some work to pull it off.

Anyone seeing The Girl would be terrified, but John acts defensive rather than truly afraid. Maybe he should be reduced to a blubbering mess by the time the doors open. He's so relieved to be released alive, and in one piece, he starts laughing...until he sees the sign.

Writer,

Feels like you just had an idea here and went with it. I appreciate that everything was explained in this revenge tale, but it felt hollow to me. So, decent writing, but the story didn't resonate with me.

Steve

Nostalgia from round one of a bad guy getting his.

I was surprised to see John be so nonchalant when his dead victim was attacking him, but I guess it makes the final moments pay off more if he is unremorseful. If just didn't feel like anyone would truly act that way if confronted with the supernatural. Maybe if he was "acting" remorseful only to reveal it was just an act before the final subway stop might work better.

I thought this was going to be yet another story where a ghost develops powers to enact revenge upon the living without any explanation. So well done for sending me down an unexpected path and I liked that he was on a train to hell.

What lets this down is the dialogue. John talks to himself a lot, people don't do that. You could cut most of his dialogue and trust the visuals will tell the story. He also doesn't react very naturally to being attached by a ghost. Solid effort though.

Some lovely visuals. One tip, you can turn off Auto Continues in Final Draft. It defaults on.

I liked this but felt John's nonchalant nature didn't quite go with the visuals. Definitely a four page Twilight Zone episode.
Well done.

Big fan of the heart thumping in the briefcase. The girl with stitches in her mouth would be pretty awesome to see, too. Nice ghostly revenge story.

The right train/wrong train stuff at the beginning was a little hard to follow. The doctor had a few too many "What's going on/This can't be happening" lines.

To much exposition for my liking, which unfortunately was need as the girl doesn't speak.

But there are some nice visuals and I liked the idea too.

Decent effort

This is a great story. Awesome ending. It's overwritten though, and John's dialog...yikes. But the most important part is a good story and you nailed that.

Leaning out your action lines will quicken the pace of your story.

Great entry.

Nearly missed this one, and that wouldn't have been good - cause this is great!

Very Lynchian feel to the beating heart. Echoes of Ghost here too, but in a good way.
Love the head out the window with the oncoming train hurtling the other way.

As soon as we got to the organs bit you lost me slightly, and his confession seemed a bit easy to come by, (but you wouldn't have been able to get to the 'greed' part without it) but you got me back with the ending, the neon sign etc., great visual.

Terrific in pulling me back in at the end.
Tweak a few tonal inconsistencies imho, but a very nice Horor Short.

Dialogue needs a scrubbing but fun idea. I really like the Dante's Inferno element of it. Good effort.