Feeling Justified - May2

Feeling Justified by Seth Gecko - A hardened detective gets a chance at closure. Content Warning
Location: Train station. Object: Human body part Short, Horror, Crime.

I liked the writing overall, especially the character descriptions. The dialogue was good, too. But why were they beating this Michael dude up if they didn't know he took James's son for sure? James asks him, "Did you take my son?" I think maybe if he asked him, "Where is my son? What did you do with him?"

I was waiting for a severed penis script lol. And I got it here! But it didn't seem to justify the means. Maybe if it was made clear that maybe Michael raped his son or something, it'd be more justified.

Not a bad effort though, I liked it.

I really liked this.

I see what you did there.

Now lets see what happens in challenge #3!

Well, I wanted Michael to get his just deserts, that did it lol thanks for the closure.

Well written and unapologetically brutal. I really felt the dark atmosphere I was meant to.

Well done

Hi writer,

You set the scene very well, lots of atmosphere in this.

That was pretty full on.

The writing is great and flowed quite nicely.

Good job on this one.

All the best.

The writing is very good. Really good.

I had two problems with the story.

1. That sure is a lot of brutal beating before the guy confessed. I mean at that point he would have confessed to anything - right? What did he have to lose? So, I didn't buy that at all - just seems that should have been some clever way to get it out of hi,.

2. Why are you not ending with the feeling justified to his wife - you open with her on the phone. It would have been far better chemistry to end with her on the phone.

When all else fails, cut off his penis and shove it down his throat!! ;D

Well that was interesting... Great writing .

The guy was beat to a pulp before the other cop got there... but yet no confession.
So basically they were just gonna leave him for dead whether he did or not.

They didn't seem to have too much truth to go by before they started pummeling him.

Ah well

Good job on entering

Good writing. I was expecting a twist or some reveal but I didn't get one so it felt a little flat at the end (flaccid penis pun not intended).

I echo the above comments as well, if they weren't sure it was him why beat him up so much? And, yeah if you torture someone so much they will say anything - it's why torture is such an unreliable form of intel.

Solid effort though.

The scene, set-up, action, dialogue...no complaints. In fact, pretty damn great writing. All parameters met.

The story, however, was not quite as satisfying. Thing is, I don't care about any of them. Now James will have to live with murder on his conscience, justified or not. IDK. I would've cared more for James if he beat him within an inch of his life, stopped, and had him arrested, tried, and sentenced for life (or death).

That said, fantastic writing on display.

Surely it isn't just me who thinks this is obviously a follow up to a script from the first round???

Well, I really liked it just like I liked the one from the first round.

Nothing to add other than good job. Widow's peak got his comeuppance. That's a good pay off.

Good stuff

It isn't hard to guess which script this one is a follow up to. The writing was good, but as I said, knowing its prequel, the entire thing was predictable. Nonetheless, nice work.

As soon as I read CONTENT WARNING, I knew I was reading this.

Real solid read with better than average characters.  Dialogue above avg as well.

Action lines have too many passive verbs and prose, but that didn't take away from the solid visual writing.

Well done.

But...  if you're gonna start out over black, don't forget the (V.O.) on your first dialogue!

Very well written and suitably atmospheric. Sets the scene well in the opening pages but from there it just gets bleak to the point it doesn’t surprise. Choking on a severed penis or not, it feels like the whole tied to a chair-revenge-torture thing has been done too many times for it to land with any impact. Not saying it can’t be done, just needs something fresh to make it resonate.

You have some good feedback here already re torture for torture's sake, as opposed to getting information and then James' actions as revenge, and the excellent point Dave made about the placing of the phone call which I agree with....so I won't say anymore there.

This reads as instalments) of a bigger piece, but wow, you wrote it well. Loved the gritty vibe and the imagery of the station with the light flickering over the walls.

One nitpick re this:

Towering over the bloody man
I would suggest that be used as an adjective - bloodied man as in covered in blood.

Brutal stuff. Impressive writing. You took me right to the place.

Be very interesting to see what you do in Round 3.

Funny...when I saw this challenge was a 3 parter, was thinking it would be cool to continue with the same characters for each challenge. You obviously gave us the ending we were hoping for from round one...and then some.

You are a really good writer. I think it's time to invest in Final Draft. LOL

Nice title page graphic. And a content warning. Hmm.

Widow's peak? Same names and title page style. So this is the same author of that script from the first round. Won't affect my scoring, but these are supposed to be anonymous submissions.

How can Michael watch if both eyes are completely swollen shut?

On its own this is a confusing mid-story snippet. Taking it as a continuation of "Feeling Guilty" it's a fitting conclusion. My only gripe here is that the train station is a fairly minor part of the setting.

Nice (?!) job!

I did NOT write this. But it is very clearly a spin-off of my round one script, right down to the title page graphic(nice!), similar pseudonym, and even the celtx watermark! Impressive.

I'm guessing the author is someone who didn't like the way Feeling Guilty concluded, and wanted Michael to get what he deserved. I'd say you nailed it. Not sure I could have done it better.

Great work. ;D

I'm not buying the suspected author's feint here. But, time will out, yes?

That aside, this was definitely well written.

Quoted from Zack

Hit him/her with the copyright! You're rich!

Brutal but deserving. Well written and good characterisation. The dialogue was crisp and curt in keeping with the story.
Very well done.

Simple tale well told, but was kinda expecting some sort of twist.

Decent effort

Writer,

Well written, nicely visualized. Not much of a story here at all. Actually, the reader discretion warning should have said the same -- NOT MUCH OF A STORY HERE. Overall, it feels like a scene from a bigger work, and would probably work as such. As a short, not so much.

Steve

Edit: Ah, didn't get that this was a continuation. Now that's pretty cool. shows you how much I'm paying attention.

Straightforward and unapologetic. I liked it. Wanted more but then I saw it's a continuation of that other script. That's cool you kept the story going with different parameters. Looking forward to the finale in the last round.

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