The Deepest, Darkest Water by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as Fjord Explorer - Short, Sci Fi - Disaster strikes the first manned mission to Europa. 7 pages

Production: Single location, two actors onscreen, two brief voice-overs. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm a bit torn on this one. Meets the challenge, for sure, but the payoff hit so late that I was kind of let down. Also thought it odd how nonchalant our submariners were when all systems shut down and it seemed that they were going to drift into oblivion. And the implant? What was that?

Great imagination - the reveal could have been explored more.

Imaginative for sure. Like the setting.

Some of the dialogue was really OTN - this for example:

Quoted Text CHADWICK Mine, too. We could blow the ballast tanks, but that would just bump us up against the underside of the ice. It’s not like the Aquarius is carrying a spare sub to come rescue us.

Overall - pretty good effort

Excellent world-building. Love the setting and the setup.

The peril felt a little thin. Mainly, I think because they seem so chill. Very professional of them, but less interesting from a story standpoint.

I did like the twist at the end.

All in all, well done. I enjoyed it.

Pretty good story. However, when death threatens a protagonist, the audience is supposed to care. In this script, Chadwick and Olivier spend all their time talking tech, rather than establishing themselves as individuals we should like. And the Voice at the end is a nice surprise, but how is the audience to know it's an alien, rather than just another human speaking? One way around this, for example, is for the alien to materialize holographically in the cabin.

Maybe this went over my head... but this was all a test? And they're rewarded for making the right decision?

This was okay for me, but all the science talk to a simple guy like me is a little boring. It was well written though. And I do admire the imagination it takes to create a story like this. Just fell a little flat for me.

-- Michael

Needs a tiny bit more suspense. It somehow read quite low key to me.
Great surprise twist at the end!

Bland char intro's.  Giving Olivier a cross around his neck would be  a nice setup for him performing the sign of the cross and deliver info about his character.

Prob shouldn't intro SHEN since we don't see them, yet. No indication if male/female.  Prob just need MALE VOICE or female with the (V.O.)

It felt convoluted to me.  Reordering some of the action lines and dialogue could add clarity.  I also think dropping the first page (the launch) and getting right into exploration would give the time needed to bring about better resolution.

I LOVE the concept , btw, just not thrilled with the execution. Cleanest part of the writing was using spent glow stick to show the passage of time.  That is a technique I don't see often.

Hey writer

Great plot, nice imagination you have. They were in a dire situation but I didn't feel it that much, I should be anxious for them but I wasn't.
Got a tad bored of them just trying to fix stuff.

I don't quite understand the ending. Did they find an Alien outpost?

Anyway, best of luck

Obviously well written and meets the parameters but confused as to whether this was a real world scenario where the submariners thought they would die or if they were duped as it was all a test. Either way it lacked any real suspense but there was a lot in those four pages.
Well done.

I enjoyed this but I didn't get a real sense of threat, they seemed to be a bit chill to their plight... could be their training I guess.

And then the ending, am I reading it right that some Aliens are on the moon too and have allowed them to survive given their imminent selfless act, or am I way off?

Well written though.

That's some good French cursing there!  ;D

Excellent world building. Everything made sense to me, but this is my jam. The story is fine, though it does bump up on things we've seen before (The Abyss, Mission to Mars, etc.). The dialogue is too lighthearted for such a dire situation though, it would have been better if you'd spent a bit more time with them frustrated that their solutions should be working but aren't. You only really have that one line of "this doesn't make any sense" but we don't know why.

As for the ending, it would have been a good idea to call the voice ALIEN VOICE. That would have made it crystal clear. And, an ending isn't a line of dialogue, it's a reaction, and that's missing. They just got hit with a double whammy of their lives being saved and (presumably) first contact. Show us something.

All in all, a good job, I like it. Well done.

You don't get across the peril these characters are in. They act like they are on a training exercise, so much so I thought that was the case.

Nice world-building and a good little twist at the end, but it just misses the mark for me.

Cool idea. Seems like you put a lot of effort into the tech stuff and that felt real. Just needs more intensity from the two of them going through this life threatening event.

Solid twist.

Very well written.

I was starting to feel claustrophobic and to be honest as was actually hoping they would peril.

But alas they were saved and it was all a program of some sorts.

Really enjoyed this one

Cool idea. Who doesn't like a good intergalactic submarine flick? I like that the guy was speaking French at the end. I had to read the "pack a poet" line twice, but I get it.

The characters did not truly seem to be under pressure.

Very nicely written, but not much a payoff though.

Hi writer,

I enjoyed this one. Be lying if I said I saw everything you wanted me to but I pieced it together.

Well written and some pretty solid dialogue as well.

Nice one.

All the best.

I like the writing on this one, but there was nothing in the script for me to latch on to. And it was a little disappointing to find out it was all a test. Still, a nice inventive short film where the idea is big but it can be shot very small.

Verid solid writing. Now, was it a test (considering their coolness during a situation like this) or was it an alien (meaning the fear/desparation element missing...)?

Writer,

Good one here. Saving the best for my last reads apparently. Like Mark said, I was feeling claustrophobic as well, feeling their impending doom. In the end, all seems to work out. A test of sorts. Very well written, well told. Very good work!

Steve

Wow, this was cool. You could have hit us with the reveal a little sooner, but it does it's job. Writing was solid.  implants are always cool, would be nice to know what they are for? Nice work.

Nice. Didn't expect anything like this to come up so found this one really refreshing. Nicely written too. Shame about the page count as that was obviously limiting to the story.

Good stuff

I really like the premise.  A lot to fit into the page count which means it felt like it all happened too quickly to build much tension into what is a dire and claustrophobic situation.

Might have been better to start with them already immobilised beneath the ice and losing hope of rescue rather than what felt like moments after starting their exploration - more urgency and strained relations between these two to make the most of the setting.  As it was it’s hard to get a feel for the dire straits they’re in when it seems to happen so quickly.  But otherwise a decent idea.

So it was a test? ok. And I guess inside a submarine as a location still fits with body of water? Hmm. Not gonna question that.

There was a lot of techno dialog that felt pretty stiff, but these two are professionals so it makes sense. But it doesn't assist with tension. They're trained no to panic, and if it was a test it's good they didn't...but because they didn't I didn't feel tension.

Good writing and descriptions. Best of luck.

This one was mine. Thank you for the excellent feedback! For those asking, this was supposed to be the aliens testing them, so they're not aware it's a test.

I kind of painted myself into a corner... with this page limit, showing a decent effort at fixing the problem didn't leave much room for personal drama. But I will note that the famous screaming match in the Apollo 13 film did not happen in real life... it was added entirely because the real astronauts were "unrealistically" chill :)

That said, the cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov was heard cursing and "crying in rage" at officials on the ground when pretty much every system on the rushed-into-service Soyuz 1 failed. With radio problems allowing only sporadic contact with mission control, he got instructions to manually orient his craft for re-entry. The problem was he had to perform this navigate-by-the-Sun maneuver while on the night side of the Earth. He improvised by orienting a gyroscope while on the day side then using that as reference on the night side. He manually fired the rockets and got his capsule to re-enter the atmosphere pointed at Soviet territory.

After all that, one additional system failed on this journey... the capsule's parachute. Komarov died on impact.

Not that it matters to the story, but Longwei is a boy's name.

ALIEN VOICE instead of just VOICE would definitely be an improvement.

FYI, Planetary Protection Level IV is a real thing that requires sterilizing anything that touches a world with a decent chance of harboring life.

Freed from the page limit, I can show the characters' humanity a bit more during the repair attempts and with a "last meal." You can finally see what they did let Jules put in his personal baggage.

He can also be indignant that the aliens seemed willing to wait up to four weeks to see if they'd pull the handle.


Vladimir Komarov


Soyuz 1 "Before"


Soyuz 1 "After"

That'll buff out.

You definitely know your material and it's worth fixing up, even as a writing sample.

This would definitely benefit from a page or two more with room to explore the characters as humans and not just well trained astronauts. This will really dial what is already an atmospheric and tense script up another notch.

Thanks for the explanation and the history about the doomed astronaut. Imagine going through all that and the parachute fails? I think his last word must have been 'shitski!'

I was thinking it was Russian for “Seriously?”

My original idea was that they did pull the red handle, and the next scene shows life that eventually evolves there. Couldn’t come up with an image that could explain that, page limit or not.

Thank you again for all the great feedback, we now have an updated version of the script that's a little longer but gives you some more insight into our intrepid astronauts and their reactions to things.

Shortcut to the script link in the original post