Monster of Rock by Rob Herzog (Rob) writing as Slash - A fan discovers a grotesque piece of rock memorabilia.  Location: Train station. Object: Human body part.  Short, Horror

Ha!

That was good fun. Not very scary at all really and maybe more comedy than horror but it was a super easy read I enjoyed it.

Good stuff

I really dug this, I just wish it had a real ending. Something like seeing the curse begin to take affect, whether it be Ewen hearing a sweet guitar lick or some type of expression like he's realized he's fucked up. The short feels like a setup without a bit more of a conclusive ending.

However, it's a really good setup. Nice job!

I really liked this one a lot. Awesome dialogue, I can see the characters and hear their voices. And some super creepy imagery, especially with Liz Elbow (odd name, but I liked it). There wasn't really any payoff, but the end image of Liz licking his face and saying the same line over and over again was super creepy and I loved it. Excellent work!

-- Michael

Hi writer,

Very well written, if not a bit heavy handed on the exposition towards the end.

I enjoyed it.

All the best.

This had everything other than a good ending, IMO.

Yes - really well written and the dialogue was top-notch. A writer that knows what they are doing.

But....

THe ending didn't land at all for me.

I was waiting for him to end up on the tracks...

Great dialogue and set up but sadly no end result.

Great entry though and very well written

For some reason I can’t help think this was inspired by Guns N‘ Roses song ‘Night Train’, which is actually a bum wine they (G n’ R) used to drink cause it was dirt cheap, dirt cheap but all steam when that fucker pulled into the station, kind of like the acid trip ‘Jacob’s Ladder’. Not sure what happened here, but it was a fun and surreal ride, even if we never did leave the station.

This was really getting good... And then it just stopped. No ending. It's simply unfinished.

Good writing and clever set up, but zero payoff hurts. Shame. :(

This started good for me but sadly didn't hold up till the end. Classic case of an old woman messing up a normal routine. Good dialogs and writing. But didn't cared much.

As Liz and Ewen leave the platform...

     EWEN
Hey, Liz? Do you hear that?

                   FADE OUT

IDK, it's an ending. Kind of. Regardless, great dialogue and premise. Very cool. Good work, writer.

The deft writing pulls it along and puts me in the scene.  Like how you worked the body part into it - all felt very organic and well set-up.

I was with you right to the part she pulled the knife for an ‘even trade’.  Felt like it needed to escalate into horror at that point but instead it kind of fizzled into more lighthearted fare.  Felt more like the set-up for horror to come than a satisfying whole.  Pity as it’s a solid idea and set-up, just needed a stronger payoff to bring it home.

Writer,

Not really too much horror here, just maybe the threat oh horror. Although a sloppy kiss from the Liz chick is pretty cringe worthy. Anyway, the way i see it -- you had a story, decent build up, but no real conclusion at all.

Steve

Ewen, you damned fool!

I liked this a lot.

Great descriptions -
Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels.

Terrific well-rounded characters.

Maybe give it a bit more of a punch-ending after the challenge but it was very entertaining.

Her hairstyle screams, I was shocked by electric eels. -- LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Damn. I was so into that but the ending...just a bit of a letdown. Those are great characters and a totally cool story, it just needs a better ending.

Excellent writing, by the way!

A lovely setup, and crisp writing. You just ran out of pages so there is no ending. It certainly didn't have enough to make it a horror. As it stands, this claim of a curse by a crazy homeless person is simply that, a claim. We needed to see (and hear) the curse at least start to come true.

The writing was great, the characters were real, the homeless lady was creepy as hell.

But the story is just a crazy ladies ramblings, would have preferred something more substantial to show the curse/evil soul thing was real and it will no haunt them - I didn't feel for them as I did;t see anything to suggest it was anything more than the ramblings of a crazy person.

Still, great atmosphere and great job

Right off the top you hit us with a character description: Junkies for hard rock music.

My reaction -- I wish you'd show us that, instead of tell us that. Then, you establish that with character actions immediately. Point is... you DID show us. That in mind, consider dropping the descriptive line. It's a bit of a cheat, and you rocked it without it.

Small thing, but it stood out.

Moving on... this was great.

Excellent use of the middle finger. Very imaginative.

I'll agree that it could use some punch at the end. The setup was so good, it deserves more at the end.

Very well written, great dialogue, nice visuals but damp squib ending. But this has been the best of a great bunch so far.
Well done.

This read well, and I know nothing of rock music, bit sounded 'right'

But it seemed to peter out towards the end.

Liked it though

Sold

Congrats, Rob!

Congrats!

Nice!

Good one, Rob!

Very much looking forward to seeing this one.

I revised the ending based on the feedback I got. Thanks to everyone.

Nice one, Rob. Congrats

Zing! $$$ well done!