Feeling Vilified by Sex Machine - A police detective interviews the traumatized survivor of a violent, sexual assault: a 7-year-old boy.  Short, Drama, Crime

Well, Mr Machine, you got me good there!

I did not expect that ending.

I think this would work as a self-contained piece on its own - perhaps a Super for the last scene to show the passage of time? Better yet, give Michael another distinguishing facial feature, (apart from the hairline) maybe a mole or birthmark. Just a thought.

And, there's just one thing I'd add to this last line:

Michael admires Nathan from afar, with a sick fascination.
He rummages in his pocket, takes out a bar of chocolate, proceeds to unwrap it.

Great confrontational ending to a shocking story. I liked the humanization through all the brutality.

And I loved LC's idea of the chocolate bar at the end too. Would remind us of the abused child.

Great work!

Good job of showing an abused child growing up to be an abuser as an adult. However, I don't think this story really gains much by being broken up the way it is. The Playground scenes could be strung together and it would flow seamlessly. The Police Station scenes do gain a little being broken up the way they are, but only marginally.

A nitpicky question: why is the "scrawny boy" not given a name until the last scene in the police station, while the boy who will be Michael's victim is immediately named?

Also, what's with the first molester been given a "slight widow's peak," and Michael's been given a "deep widow's peak?" Is this just to emphasize how similar molesters are?

And another title page poster – definitely a new standard!

Quoted Text MAN (V.O.) You like chocolate, pal?

The character is THIN MAN – not MAN

This:

Quoted Text As he bends over to get a drink, the Thin Man is revealed to approaching him from behind.

Is a bit awkward. Maybe:

The Thin Man approaches behind him as he bends over to get a drink.

Quoted Text As the Mother carries her son, MICHAEL GUNN, out of the office, the tramautized boy looks over her shoulder, at Rick.

Maybe just name him right out of the gate – no need to take us through 4 pages before naming him. aLSO - typo on traumatized.

The widow's peak just ended up confusing me - our initial assaulter has one and at the end, Michael has one. So - was Michael the first boy molested and the would-be molester at the end? OR - do molesters just have widow-peaks??? I didn't get the point of that.  

Okay - meets the challenge. A disturbing tale for sure. A little clean-up here and there and you're set.  

This is a formulaic way for going at a crime story. And since it is formulaic, it is effective to some extent. The writing was a bit off at some points but a minor rewrite can fix it. Nice effort overall.

Good luck.  

Ahoy writer,

Damn! I said I was going to bed!

Scooby Doo taught us a good lesson, the real Monsters, are always humans.

I won't go over all the other stuff everyone commented on again, but Libby nailed it. She's onto something good here with the chocolate bar thing-a-ma-jig...Best of Irish luck! :)

Anonymous Writer :)

This was good, I'm not a fan of the implication at the end but it's a cool way to tie it all together. Some of the description in the action is unnecessary IMO:
  
"Mother unwraps the candy with shaky hands. She's clearly distraught."

Shaky hands implies her distress.

Reads fast, Well constructed. Nice job!

Well written and meets the challenge effectively.

I don't normally mind weird fonts and pics on cover pages, but detracted from the tone of the script for me, which is probably just me.

Libby's idea re the last line is nice.

Good effort

This should have been called The Widow's Peak Strikes Back.

A good use of the narrative to tell the tale of an abused child becoming an abuser of children and well written, but it's something that's been done a zillion times. And did we really need three scripts covering the same sick story in the May OWC?

Yeah, that was creepy enough. The hunted becomes the predator. I would imagine this is a vicious cycle that happens more than most people would care to know about, but alas… it’s a story that needs to be told every now and again to keep society from sweeping it under the rug to appease our fragile emotions.

Never done saw me a kid nibble chocolate like a squirrel, but that shit has always been like crack to me and is usually devoured with overindulgence.

That being said, offering chocolate to console a child after trauma is a sure-fire gateway to the holographic mind, with respect to all senses, and Scrawny Boy would probably anchor those bad memories he just experienced with something so pleasant… perhaps that’s why he became a predator; he believes he was rewarded for being abused, not literally, but he may associate the abuse to the reward of consolation, and in turn, anchor the chocolate to the trauma… just my two cents of mumbo-jumbo.

Anyway. It appears like you’ve ironed out the kinks on your end to weave this into a dark and disturbing tale of woe, so well done in that sense of the matter. Best of luck.

Nice work, here. Simple yet effective. And very budget friendly. Definitely creepy without taking things that far -- just a man sitting on a bench preying on kids is a creepy enough of a visual. And nice job giving Michael a full arc: a victim of abuse becoming a creepy predator himself later in life. Shows how past events affect us. Not exactly a happy ending, but it gets under the skin.

Nice work, one of my favorites so far.

-- Michael

Hello writer I definitely do not know the name of

Well written for the most part. A simple story that I really wanted more from, but nevertheless it was the right amount of creepy.

Best of luck.

Another one with a tough subject matter but handled well. The implication that the victim now becomes there perpetrator is all too true in today's society. Well written and a good job.
Well done.

Great job tying all 3 rounds together, whoever you are. LOL. They were all disturbing for sure, but some of the writing and effects throughout all 3 rounds were very good. I'd rather visualize something not so disturbing next time.  But you are an excellent storyteller and you have a good director's sense as well.

GET FINAL DRAFT!!   xo

So it really is, as predicted, the Origin of Widow's Peak. It's the opposite of the second round: this one works better as a stand-alone story than as an installment.

As a stand-alone story, it's a cycle-of-abuse tale. As an installment, it looks like an attempt to empathize with a character the audience has already decided is emphatically not empathizable.

That said, a lot of the tension comes from fore-knowledge gleened in the first two installments. So it's technically written very well... I just don't think the story needs this bit when and if you decide to rework these into a post-challenge script.

Nice (?!) job!

Lesson learned - stay away from skinny men with cheesy little mustaches and widow's peaks.

Well done. I'm so over reading about child molesters though.

This is another case where the format both helped and hindered. Going into it blind, it's effective, since you set it up to make the audience think the boy was reliving what brought him to the police station. But since we know the meta of this challenge, the ending is what I was expecting all along, the abused growing up to become the abuser.

But that chocolate is a nice twist of the knife. I also like Libby's suggestion, it twists that knife even further.

The writing is quite good, whoever you are ( ;)) and it works as a standalone piece. Well done.

Well written. Creepy in a slow burn kind of way and I appreciate the more understated approach of this one.  As part of the trilogy it makes sense as the pattern of abuse comes full circle and we have the benefit of knowing what’s coming next.  As a standalone it strays into well trodden ground and I don’t know it’s bringing anything new to the table.  There’s the benefit of it being fairly easy to film which is a bonus.

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read and review my script. I had a lot of fun linking all three of my challenge round scripts together for one big story. Sorry for bending the rules by essentially "outing" myself. In hindsight, I should have chose a less disturbing subject matter as the basis of my story. Lol

Also, I'd like to give a big thanks to my co-story writer for this round, Mr. Pete Bottoms. Also know as Sean Chipman. ;D

Quoted from eldave1 The character is THIN MAN � not MAN

The man speaking is actually Rick. Meant to trick you into thinking it was the Thin Man. Evidently, I was successful. :)

Quoted from eldave1 The widow's peak just ended up confusing me - our initial assaulter has one and at the end, Michael has one. So - was Michael the first boy molested and the would-be molester at the end? OR - do molesters just have widow-peaks??? I didn't get the point of that.

The Thin Man having a slight widow's peak is meant to be misdirection(maybe it's Michael!). Definitely didn't mean to imply that all pedophiles have widow's peaks. Lol. It's just a coincidence that Michael ended up with one when he grew older.

Quoted from Spqr A nitpicky question: why is the "scrawny boy" not given a name until the last scene in the police station, while the boy who will be Michael's victim is immediately named?

Misdirection. :) What I was trying to do was make you think that the Thin Man was Michael. The reason Nathan and James are named is that they are both returning characters from my round 2 script, so I wanted to make sure readers caught the reference. I think this is one of those scripts that would work much better visually than it does in script form. :)

Quoted from mmmarnie Great job tying all 3 rounds together, whoever you are. LOL. They were all disturbing for sure, but some of the writing and effects throughout all 3 rounds were very good. I'd rather visualize something not so disturbing next time.  But you are an excellent storyteller and you have a good director's sense as well. GET FINAL DRAFT!!   xo

Thank you very much for the kind words, Marnie. Means a lot. :)

And I'll try to get Final Draft soon! lol :P

The chocolate bar. Even if I do say so myself... It's unanimous.

I think even Mr Bottoms would agree.  ;D
What do you think?

Quoted from LC The chocolate bar. Even if I do say so myself... It's unanimous. I think even Mr Bottoms would agree.  ;D What do you think?

Agree 100% about the chocolate bar suggestion. Good stuff. I'll definitely add that bit. :)

Quoted from LC I think even Mr Bottoms would agree.  ;D What do you think?

Mr. Bottoms has no issue with that particular alteration.

He does, however, wish Sex Machine has tried out some of the changes he'd suggested in part 2... =)

;D
I'm sensing a part 4.
Or maybe a feature-length version...

Quoted from LC ;D I'm sensing a part 4. Or maybe a feature-length version...

Doubt it. I do think there is potential for more chapters to this story, but I don't think there's a very big audience for something like this. If anything, I may try to combine all scripts into one longer short. Would likely change the subway station in part 2 to a more budget-friendly location. I don't know. Got a lot to think about.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde He does, however, wish Sex Machine has tried out some of the changes he'd suggested in part 2... =)

Mr. Bottoms isn't sharing the whole story.  ;)