The Boundary by Cabeza De Vaca - A party of Spanish explorers journey into an unknown land in search of riches only to find themselves lost in an ocean of tallgrass with an unseen terror stalking their every move.  Short, Horror

That was beautifully written, full of historical and cultural aspects that enriched the experience. There as some wonderful visual scenes as well, you certainly can write.

I just wasn't sure what was going on. I pieced together that this was some sort of expedition that ended in disaster with most of the men killed off by...something and written in reverse. I just don't fully understand what the men were there for, nor Perez's role and what actually happened to them.

Spectacular writing though.

Very vivid and imaginative.

Parameters met.

Enjoyed reading this.

Very creative writing here. Some really cool visuals. Excellent writing.

Not only that, but I was actually able to follow the story here. ;D

Great work here. :)

I had a bit of a difficult time figuring out what was transpiring, but I think that’s a ‘me’ issue, not yours. Some things translate way better when presented in a visual medium than written pages, and I think that’s where my confusion resides, trying to decipher who is who, and when, and where we are by the juxtaposition of time frames.

There’s some serious effort put into this tale, and it has a great poetic vibe; it’s riddled with mysterious names and enigmatic characters on a quest for riches, all set against a surreal backdrop… the whispering grass. I like it, just found myself lost in the translation, best of luck.

Very well written and interesting, but totally linear structure.

Howdy

Quoted Text EXT. TALLGRASS PRAIRIE - THE MISSING - DAY

Should these extra bits in the slug be title cards? not sure how "The Missing" is a location.

Quoted Text Perez watches buzzards circle high above. Scavengers as far as the eye can see - each spiraling column speaking to some unseen horror far below.

Love that visual

I'm in the camp of I don't know what is going on. A lot of characters muddied the read for me.
My understanding goes only as far as they have ventured into the long grass and it didn't go well.
I think this story would probably be better told in a normal linear fashion, having the events run backwards in time (I think they run backwards?) doesn't really add anything I don't think, we start with the fact the expedition has gone bad and go back in time to when they left for the expedition.
(Although that could be down to the fact that I don't understand what is happening, I probably missed some vital exposition)

Would look pretty cool if filmed though.

Best of luck

This reminded a lot of Stephen King's short story 'In the tall grass'. So much so that it was distracting with the imagery. That said, well written, I just couldn't really follow the story very well. Were the slugs written to be kind of like chapter titles? Interesting work here.

Writing is very evocative and I could feel the location.

But I wasn't entirely sure what was happening in places.

Still, a very good effort

I loved the actual writing, very visual, I could see everything. I just don't think this is my kind of story, though. This felt like a sprawling, historical epic crammed into six pages. You do fit a lot in here, so kudos for that. But I had a hard time following exactly what the story was about. Maybe it's just me, I dunno. Very well written effort, though.

-- Michael

This feels like the first script i've read for the challenge that was harmed by the non-linear structure. So many characters and such little obvioius connecting thread that, unfortunately, I felt myself skimming by page 3. I had to force myself to slow down and work harder.

Too bad, too. Because this is well-written. My hope is that you drop the reverse-structure and re-post after the challenge as a more traditional read. If you do, please let me know. I'd love to read that.

I could really use a Coles notes for this script. I was completely lost and I read it twice.

But I betcha it would work fine as a film. I just must not have been absorbing certain things as I read that probably would impact me visually.

Nice job!

What does PRE LAP mean????

in slug...LAST MAN? is that the name of the place?

okay...you have THE LONG MARCH in another slug. I'm assuming these need to be inserted as title cards. Don't belong in slug. When you stray from proper format rules, it pulls the reader out of your story.

There were some cool visuals here. You created a dreamlike atmosphere. Lots of arrows. But the story was really lost on me. Lots of characters for only 7 pages. It was just hard to figure out what was going on.

Is there a Prelap in this one too?

Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. As an example: ...

Scene example on Wiki -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap

Can just be a sound or music pre-lap too.

Also here:
https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap

https://screenwriting.io/what-is-a-pre-lap/

Quoted from LC Is there a Prelap in this one too? Prelap is a screenwriting term that means the dialogue from the next scene precedes the cut, and the beginning of the dialogue is heard in the outgoing scene. As an example: ... Scene example on Wiki - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prelap Can just be a sound or music pre-lap too. Also here: https://johnaugust.com/2007/pre-lap https://screenwriting.io/what-is-a-pre-lap/

Thanks, Lib. New one on me.

Very well written and if shot would be a colourful, beautiful sight to behold. Think I followed the story, certainly knew it was a treasure hunt gone bad but no idea who was doing the killing.
Very well done.

The writing is rich and detailed. It sets the tone and offers up great visuals.

I've seen something similar to those scene headers in the Good Wife pilot script. They titled their scenes to suggest what the scene is about, and it was purely for the writers and readers. They didn't stick them in the headers though, don't do that.

The story itself is lacking. All the pieces are there except the most important one: why are they afraid? I don't buy that it doesn't matter, because it absolutely does. And if they're indigenous people, then having Jusepe there confuses things, because even if he's from a gentler nation and this is the territory of the really hardcore warriors, there should be something in there to say that. Instead it can be literally anything that Jusepe and the boy are afraid of where he leads these men to die, knowing he will die too. And if we can imagine anything, we tend not to. There needs to be something grounding or we just tune out.

The treasure hunt aspect felt shoe-horned in. It's one throwaway line, not much of a motive. The better one is what everyone is thinking when reading this anyway, that colonists are doing what colonists do and Jusepe deals with them the only way he knows how. And it works, whatever it is. It's in the title, just tell us.

Otherwise really strong, it just never crystalized for me.

Writer,

Can you spin a yarn man, the writing is just a wonder. I was a little confused as to the chain of events though,  but here is no denying the talent on display here, vivid and perfect word choices throughout, the writing is lean but nothing is over written. Amazing work.

Beautiful, but the connections do not come easily. A short story?

Thanks to all for reading and feedback.  I find this period in history fascinating and I've had the urge to write something for a while but never knew how best to approach or even which genre to work with.

The story is based (loosely) on the Humana and Leyva expedition of the 1590s.  They set out on an 'unofficial' expedition to look for the usual riches/city of gold etc. and vanished.  Only one man survived - Jusepe - their guide/'servant' and all they could ascertain was that the party fell out/fractured and were most likely killed by a local tribe.

I was aiming for a dreamlike (or more aptly nightmarish) kind of tone and I'm glad that seemed to come through in places.  I quite like the idea of the reader/audience being kept at something of a distance, left to watch as these characters wander through a never-ending maze of grass at constant risk from a largely unseen enemy.  

The slugs - given the setting, nearly every slug would have been the same.  I used them at first for myself to plot out the scenes and navigate the reverse chronology but decided to just leave them in to see how it landed and maybe help orientate the reader.

Some of the intent landed and some not so much.  That's all good.  The short format and reverse narrative aren't the best way to convey this but as much as anything I was curious to see how the idea resonated and if there's any potential to take it further.  Maybe...

Thanks again.

Steve