Got a new feature done...

Point And Shoot
Thriller

When a photography grad gets work interning for a wealthy entrepreneur, the last thing she expected was for his wife to be murdered, drawing her deeper into danger and directly in the killer’s sights.

Just came up with that, but that’s the basics. She ends up being a suspect - one of many - until there’s a final confrontation with the killer.

Just curious to hear some thoughts. Thanks!

Steve

After the murder of her boss's wife, a photography grad finds herself both a suspect of the authorities and a target of the true killer.

That’s a good one, Zack

Quoted from Matthew Taylor That’s a good one, Zack

Thanks. Just spitballing. :)

That’s is a good one! Thanks!

I will suggest changing “finds herself” to “must clear her name” or something akin to it. Other than that, the logline is good.

Gabe

Quoted from Zack After the murder of her boss's wife, a photography grad finds herself both a suspect of the authorities and a target of the true killer.

Really good. Nailed it

Not sure how important "grad" is versus just saying young photographer. or a photographer on her first assignment

I feel like it's missing a small bit of connective tissue -- specifically, why she's suddenly a suspect and why the real killer would target her.

Why is she a suspect? Was she there when the murder happened? Did the real killer frame her? If she's a new hire, the police would be able to rule her out pretty quickly as she has no history with the victim, and thus no obvious motive. Give us an idea of why the police would pursue her as a suspect.

Why would the killer target her? Did she snap a photo she doesn't realize contains a clue to the killer's identity? Is she a classic Dario Argento giallo protag -- she's noticed a detail or has information that could ID the killer, if only she could figure out how that detail or information plays into the case?

Just a couple questions I found myself asking. But while you do want your log line to make the reader ask questions, the question you want them to ask is, "Ooh, what happens next?" Not "Wait, what does any of this have to do with the protag?"

Otherwise what Zack wrote, with Mr. Ripley's suggested change (always better to make your protag appear active than passive) is pretty solid. It's just missing that little extra bit of hook, IMO.

I thought Zack's logline was perfect. Then Mr. Ripley and Dave tweaked it and I was sure it was flawless.

But now I really like Lon's idea of having the photo be a clue. Maybe it could be something like:

After the murder of her boss's wife, a photographer must unravel the mystery behind a strange photo that's made her the prime suspect - and the target of the true killer.

Or, if not in the logline, I'd definitely consider including a photograph into the plot in some way. Not necessarily the one major clue to proving her innocence like I wrote above. But you have a photography profession with the employer in the mix, seems like you gotta have a photo be an important clue. Although I'm saying all this without having read a word of the script...

Quoted from MarkItZero I thought Zack's logline was perfect. Then Mr. Ripley and Dave tweaked it and I was sure it was flawless. But now I really like Lon's idea of having the photo be a clue. Maybe it could be something like: After the murder of her boss's wife, a photographer must unravel the mystery behind a strange photo that's made her the prime suspect - and the target of the true killer. Or, if not in the logline, I'd definitely consider including a photograph into the plot in some way. Not necessarily the one major clue to proving her innocence like I wrote above. But you have a photography profession with the employer in the mix, seems like you gotta have a photo be an important clue. Although I'm saying all this without having read a word of the script...

If a photo is a part of that - then yes - I agree - add it

Quoted from eldave1 If a photo is a part of that - then yes - I agree - add it

A good point of clarification there, as reading back over my post it may appear as though I was giving the OP story suggestions. I wasn't, it was just a question that occurred to me as to why the killer would target someone who, in the log line as is, appears to be just some random employee who just happened to get caught up in a murder case. There has to be more to it to explain why she becomes such a major player or else it just feels arbitrary, a baseless plot machination. Obiwan didn't train Luke just because he was a bored farm boy he met. Morpheus didn't approach Neo just because he was some random hacker. And this protag can't become a major player in a murder case just because she happened to work for the victim's husband.

Of course I've not read the script, so for all I know the OP actually does include a story device to explain why the protag becomes so integral. He just needs to mention it in the logline.

Again, IMO.

Hey guys, great advice! Zack, Dave, James, Gabe, Lon... Did I miss anyone?

Anyway, yes, while working on a shoot, she actually snaps a photo of the killer, though they’re well concealed. The photo is blurry, but later a bracelet on the suspects wrist will provide the key clue that gives them away. Also, Jesse, our protagonist, also stumbles on the body of the victim while out there.

Great logline you guys came up with. I tried, but couldn’t nail this one. Another member, Kevin, pm’d me with what I thought was an outstanding logline, and that’s the one I went with. Lemme know what you think!

Here it is...

A shutterbug lands her dream internship with a wealthy entrepreneur only to get caught between the police and a crazed killer after the boss's wife is brutally murdered.

Apologies Steve if I'm muddying the waters, but...

Honestly, I'd just call her a photographer - I'm personally not fond of shutterbug - too fancy/try-hard. Jmh, of course. And Lon makes some good points too...

I really like Kev's suggestion but presumably the boss and the entrepreneur are one and the same, right? I'd simplify by not giving away ' the boss's wife' angle.

It comes down to - ...she finds herself the prime suspect in a brutal murder, on the run from the police, and the killer's next target.

Has she unwittingly got photographic evidence like Lon suggested?

After landing herself a dream job as photographer for a wealthy client, a young woman finds herself the prime suspect in a brutal murder when she unwittingly captures evidence of the crime (on film?) Now she's not only the run from police, but the target of a deranged killer.

Or simpler:

After landing herself a dream job for a wealthy client, a young woman finds herself not only on the run from police but also the target of a deranged killer after unwittingly capturing photographic evidence of the crime.

Or:

After landing her dream job as photographer for a wealthy client a young woman unwiitingly captures evidence of a brutal crime on film, making her not only the prime suspect in a murder, but also the target of a deranged killer.

Feel free to ignore all btw.
Everyone's got an opinion.  :D

ANOTHER LOG LINE ON THE FIRE:

After a young interning photographer becomes suspect #1 in the brutal murder of her wealthy boss's wife, she must prove her innocence, before the real killer can silence her forever.

Anyway, good luck Steven. These are tough!

Ohh she photographs the killer. Okay, disregard the whole clue thing. Just wanted there to be something that explains how she's a central player in all of this and that'll do it. I would try to include catching evidence of the crime in the logline as Libby suggested. But I like Robert's one too.

I don't know, I like them all!

When are you gonna stop teasing us and let us read the script??

Thanks, Libby and Robert. Awesome suggestions. I’m really partial to the one Kevin gave me, that’s likely the one I’ll run with.

Quoted from MarkItZero When are you gonna stop teasing us and let us read the script??

I’m actually sending this off to a producer on Tuesday, so fingers crossed big time. If all goes well,  I hope you never get a chance to read the script. Instead, watch the movie.

I'll take a stab. Kind of rusty at this, however.

A young woman interning for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes his target when she suspects he murdered his wife.

The photography part only needs to be included if it is essential to the plot. For example, if she stumbles onto evidence while doing her work. Or does she witness the murder? If so, that should be in there.

A young intern for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes a target after she witnesses him killing his wife.

A young photographer working for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes a target after capturing evidence he murdered his wife.

Quoted from LC After landing her dream job as photographer for a wealthy client a young woman unwiitingly captures evidence of a brutal crime on film, making her not only the prime suspect in a murder, but also the target of a deranged killer.

I like this one, but I'd drop the bit about landing her dream job. It's incidental and doesn't add to the hook. Also you make two references to the one crime, which isn't necessary. Otherwise, it has all the ingredients that make for a good log line; it just needs a little trimming. Remember, 25-30 words.

A young photographer unwittingly captures evidence of a brutal murder on film, making her both a prime suspect for the police and a target for the real killer.

Quoted from Lon I like this one, but I'd drop the bit about landing her dream job. It's incidental and doesn't add to the hook. Also you make two references to the one crime, which isn't necessary. Otherwise, it has all the ingredients that make for a good log line; it just needs a little trimming. Remember, 25-30 words. A young photographer unwittingly captures evidence of a brutal murder on film, making her both a prime suspect for the police and a target for the real killer.

that's it.

A young photographer unwittingly captures evidence of a brutal murder on film, making her both a prime suspect for the police and a target for the real killer.

Yeah. Like that one too

Is this the best thread for a log line, perhaps, ever?

Quoted from leitskev I'll take a stab. Kind of rusty at this, however. A young woman interning for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes his target when she suspects he murdered his wife. The photography part only needs to be included if it is essential to the plot. For example, if she stumbles onto evidence while doing her work. Or does she witness the murder? If so, that should be in there. A young intern for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes a target after she witnesses him killing his wife. A young photographer working for a wealthy entrepreneur becomes a target after capturing evidence he murdered his wife.

Nice!

Ooh, is he the actual Killer? And she a witness?
I just assumed she got photographic evidence after the fact, not necessarily caught him in the act of killing her. Assumed it was just some incriminating evidence she discovers on film.

It helps when you've read the script.  :D

Good luck, Stevo!

Quoted from Lon I like this one, but I'd drop the bit about landing her dream job. It's incidental and doesn't add to the hook. Also you make two references to the one crime, which isn't necessary. Otherwise, it has all the ingredients that make for a good log line; it just needs a little trimming. Remember, 25-30 words.

I see where you're coming from, Lon.
I just thought the 'dream job' element added to all she has to lose. If it was her big break then...
Dream job turns into nightmare, but her life is on the line too.

As Robert said, plenty of action on this thread.
Which means the script itself sounds like a goodie with lots of appeal.

A weary message board, goes insane in an attempt to write a single log line, sending them all after the writer of the script who won't post it.

Quoted from LC Nice! Ooh, is he the actual Killer? And she a witness? I just assumed she got photographic evidence after the fact, not necessarily caught him in the act of killing her. Assumed it was just some incriminating evidence she discovers on film. It helps when you've read the script.  :D Good luck, Stevo!

She gets a blurry shot of the killer, but later it’s a bracelet on the suspects wrist that will give them away.

And the killer is one of the cops, so there’s that. ;D

Quoted from LC As Robert said, plenty of action on this thread. Which means the script itself sounds like a goodie with lots of appeal.

I sure as hell hope you’re right.

By the way, I’ll be starting up a synopsis page next. ;D