Witch Hunt by Zack Akers - Horror - After a horrific bus accident, a group of grieving parents band together to determine if two creepy siblings that miraculously survived the crash were responsible for the death of their children. 77 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this up, Don.

This script was originally meant to be an entry in the March 7-Week Challenge. Better late than never. ;D

Really happy with what I was able to come up with here. Hope readers enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing. This is my attempt at writing an "original" horror script that doesn't lean heavily on tropes. I'd describe this story as an inverted take on the home-invasion genre.

I'll happily take a look at any horror/thriller in return for a look at this script. Anyone who is interested in reading... If the first 10 pages don't grab you, don't torture yourself by reading the entire script. That's my approach to reading features, and I won't ask any different from readers of my features. :)

Hey Zack,
I just saw this posted and will get this read, for sure. I remember the early works and can't wait to see what you did with it.
~John

Quoted from JEStaats Hey Zack, I just saw this posted and will get this read, for sure. I remember the early works and can't wait to see what you did with it. ~John

It's changed quite a bit since you last looked at it. Looking forward to your thoughts. :)

Anything you'd like me to look at in return?

Hey Zack,

Congrats on finishing a feature. Writing features is no easy feat. They suck lol. Finished it all.

SPOILERS!

Notes:

I liked the short, slow burn opening till we reach the accident. Have you thought about adding a scene before the graveyard where Earl and his kid interact, and then Earl sends the kid off to school or something? Make it more emotional.  

In fact, since this is short of 90-100 pgs, have you thought about adding 20 more pgs to the beginning having the parents interact with the kids, the kids interacting with Griffin and Candice, Judy interacting with the townsfolk, etc. Have the reader build a connection with them, get to know the world better.  

Is Griffin a serial killer? Cause that’s the vibe I got lol. I mean, why would he glance back and grin risking getting caught.

What’s Griffin’s and Candice’s punishment for what they did? Lol. They gotta receive a punishment.

No one thought about lighting the house with Molotov’s, burning it from the outside.
  
What was the deal with the red sand around the house since I don’t recall anything happening when people passed over it unless the sand caused the ghosts to appear?

Overall, I like the idea but this needs a bit more character development in terms of seeing the kids before the accident lol.

Any questions, feel free to ask. Hope this helps,
Gabe

"Congrats on finishing a feature. Writing features is no easy feat. They suck lol. Finished it all."

Thanks, Dude. This is my 5th feature. It's actually harder for me to write shorts now. :P

"Have you thought about adding a scene before the graveyard where Earl and his kid interact, and then Earl sends the kid off to school or something? Make it more emotional."

I've considered having an alternate opening about John's past with the Hamilton family, but I really love the idea of bookending this story with scenes of Earl talking to his wife at her grave. Also, I think introducing all the extra characters would only muddle the plot and ultimately hurt the pace.

"In fact, since this is short of 90-100 pgs, have you thought about adding 20 more pgs to the beginning having the parents interact with the kids, the kids interacting with Griffin and Candice, Judy interacting with the townsfolk, etc. Have the reader build a connection with them, get to know the world better. "

I'm sort of set on where my story starts. I did attempt to have Judy interact with some townsfolk, like Debbie and the Sheriff, but it doesn't make sense for her to leave her house at this point in the story. I do agree that I need to give a better indication of how Judy and her "children" fit into this world. I wanted to keep them and their "powers" vague and sorta in the dark for the first half of the story.

"Is Griffin a serial killer? Cause that�s the vibe I got lol. I mean, why would he glance back and grin risking getting caught."

You should know by now. :)

"What�s Griffin�s and Candice�s punishment for what they did? Lol. They gotta receive a punishment."

You mean Caroline? And do they have to receive punishment? Judy scolds them with a very aggressive warning. I think that's enough.

"No one thought about lighting the house with Molotov�s, burning it from the outside."

This is actually a valid point and something I will address in the rewrite. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

"What was the deal with the red sand around the house since I don�t recall anything happening when people passed over it unless the sand caused the ghosts to appear?"

This was a step taken by Judy to curse the property, which is why the characters start seeing ghosts from their pasts. I purposefully kept the curse (and the other "powers" the witches) as vague as possible. Perhaps I was a bit too vague, though. I want to add another scene with Judy and her "children" preparing for the mob. Feel like this would be a good place for exposition.

"Overall, I like the idea but this needs a bit more character development in terms of seeing the kids before the accident lol."

I totally agree I need to develop my characters more, particularly Earl and the Hamiltons. But I disagree about meeting all the kids before the accident.

Thanks for reading through the script. Sorry, it didn't seem to resonate much with you. But I appreciate you still powering through and finishing it.

Gonna get back to reading "Just Murdered" now. Really enjoying it so far. :)

Cool story, just needs needs a more character development . not bad for 77 pages zack 8) 8)

Quoted from Artzhorror Cool story, just needs needs a more character development . not bad for 77 pages zack 8) 8)

Thanks for reading, Arthur. Happy you liked the story. And I agree about the character development. Thanks again. :)

I just wanted everyone to know that, for the record, Zack and I collaborated on one or two early drafts under the title From Bad to Worse. The last draft I read didn't really resemble anything I wrote, but it's no biggie. :)  But I had fun writing it and brainstorming with Zack. That said, it was always his story and I'm glad he's finally able to share it.

Quoted from ChrisBodily I just wanted everyone to know that, for the record, Zack and I collaborated on one or two early drafts under the title From Bad to Worse. The last draft I read didn't really resemble anything I wrote, but it's no biggie. :)  But I had fun writing it and brainstorming with Zack. That said, it was always his story and I'm glad he's finally able to share it.

I'm very thankful for your help with those early drafts. They were a huge help in getting this script to where it is now. :) Ultimately I decided it was best for me to take a different approach to the story. I've still got some work to do with this, but I believe the script is finally at a point where I'm comfortable sharing it.

Hey Zack,

Finally gave this a read, and I have a few notes for you.

I think in the first ten pages we should see more grief from Earl. Just him lighting his kids treehouse on fire doesn't quite do it for me. I mean, I kind of get why he did that, but a part of me thinks that he's burning away a last memory he has of something beautiful he made for his children. Almost counter productive to the grief process, yet shows his anger. Personally, I'd go more with grief than anger here.

Another person here commented on character development, and I agree. Earl, John, Sam (a new character since I last read, I think). I'd really like to get a better feel for these people, especially Jon and Sam.

So, here's a question -- Why did Griffin and Caroline actually kill all these children, both here and in the school? Judy alluded to it later on, saying they were both mischievous, but that does not cut it for me. And if you are going to use that angle, then it seems to me that Judy would be WAY more upset at her kids for doing this and heaping the attention of an entire town down upon them.

Forgot where, but the scene where Griffin snaps his fingers. I think he should actually do a Temple of Doom witch doctor thing on him. Snapping of the fingers just feels a little lazy.

Again, more character development for Father Davis. Man of God, voice of reason, but why exactly is he going with the lynch mob? Why? And who is the Handsome Man?

Dual full moons? What does that mean?

The Butcher. I like this character, but he just pops up out of nowhere. I think he should be alluded to way earlier, that way when he appears it's like -- Oh Shit. Also, this alternate universe where he exists should be made clearer as well.

Also, you should make it clear that Debbie and Guerra's husks somehow BELONG to Griffin, that way when Earl shoots Griffin (I was hoping he would!) it gives a reason that the husks die along with him.

Didn't Jon say not to go into the house? Yet, they do. I feel you need a reason for them to change their minds. Also, it seems that John, who after all is The Witch Hunter, disappears for a little while, and I'm not quite sure were he went.

Late in the story, Earl says -- "we're gonna find em and make em talk." I would think, at this point, that talking time is through, what with all the husks and shit. I'd think John would respond more with -- "We're gonna fuckin kill em all!"

Overall, I like the story but feel it could benefit from some backstory and logic behind some of the decisions being made here, which should pad your story and add some pages.

In my experience, a filmmaker would want more scenes so they could have the opportunity to choose what should and shouldn't go into the film. But regardless of all that, you have a good script here, but I, personally, want more!

Steve

"Hey Zack,

Finally gave this a read, and I have a few notes for you."

Thanks, Dude! Much appreciated. :)

"I think in the first ten pages we should see more grief from Earl. Just him lighting his kids treehouse on fire doesn't quite do it for me. I mean, I kind of get why he did that, but a part of me thinks that he's burning away a last memory he has of something beautiful he made for his children. Almost counter productive to the grief process, yet shows his anger. Personally, I'd go more with grief than anger here."

I definitely agree that Earl needs to show more sadness, and not just anger. I just don't think I wanna do it during the opening. I'm thinking, before the group goes to the house, I have another scene with Earl visiting his wife's grave, where Earl tells her what has happened and what he's gonna do about it. I don't know. Got a lot to think about. lol

"Another person here commented on character development, and I agree. Earl, John, Sam (a new character since I last read, I think). I'd really like to get a better feel for these people, especially Jon and Sam."

Agree 100%. I put so much effort into making my side characters distinguishable from one another, that I forgot to give my main characters much depth. Lol. Big error on my part. But a fixable error, I think. :)

"So, here's a question -- Why did Griffin and Caroline actually kill all these children, both here and in the school? Judy alluded to it later on, saying they were both mischievous, but that does not cut it for me. And if you are going to use that angle, then it seems to me that Judy would be WAY more upset at her kids for doing this and heaping the attention of an entire town down upon them."

I don't want explain everything in the actually script, but the gist of it is... Caroline and Griffin got greedy and got carried away. I see your point about Judy being angrier at them for their mistake.

"Didn't Jon say not to go into the house? Yet, they do. I feel you need a reason for them to change their minds. Also, it seems that John, who after all is The Witch Hunter, disappears for a little while, and I'm not quite sure were he went."

You are spot on here. This entire sequence needs to be reworked.

"Late in the story, Earl says -- "we're gonna find em and make em talk." I would think, at this point, that talking time is through, what with all the husks and shit. I'd think John would respond more with -- "We're gonna fuckin kill em all!""

Great point. I'll fix that. :)

"Overall, I like the story but feel it could benefit from some backstory and logic behind some of the decisions being made here, which should pad your story and add some pages."

Thanks again for reading and taking the time out of your day to share your notes. Happy to hear you enjoyed it, despite the flaws. Your notes are gonna help a tone with the rewrite. :)

Hey Zack, this was a quick easy read. I liked the witches, nice and creepy. there was a lot of entertaining action and gore at the end. I liked the beginning, and the end....creepy grave yard and crow... Grief, then more grief. so lots of good eliciting of emotion. I agree there needs to be more character development. it felt the story went from crash to who's to blame to revenge attack, too fast... I feel there needs to be more slow burn character development and emotion from the parents in regards to finally believing that the witches were responsible.

Cheers K...

"Hey Zack, this was a quick easy read."

Hey, Kirsten! Happy to see you're still lurking around the boards. :) And thank you for reading Witch Hunt! ;D

"I liked the witches, nice and creepy. there was a lot of entertaining action and gore at the end."

Thanks! I had a lot of fun coming up with the lore and all the different powers the witches have. Really tried to think outside of the box with this one. :)

"I liked the beginning, and the end....creepy grave yard and crow... Grief, then more grief. so lots of good eliciting of emotion."

Thanks, again. :) I think the scenes that bookend the story are probably my favorite scenes in the script. :)

"I agree there needs to be more character development. it felt the story went from crash to who's to blame to revenge attack, too fast... I feel there needs to be more slow burn character development and emotion from the parents in regards to finally believing that the witches were responsible."

Seems like everyone is in agreement on the character development. Definitely my biggest weakness. I feel like I did a good job with most of the side characters, but I totally agree that my main characters (Earl, John, and Sam) are all very weak. Any suggestions?

Thanks again for reading! Happy you enjoyed it despite the flaws. :)

I would probably suggest showing them 1 day before the accident. Doing their normal things, arguing, etc. And then, boom.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would probably suggest showing them 1 day before the accident. Doing their normal things, arguing, etc. And then, boom. Gabe

I appreciate and respect your suggestion, but I'm standing firm with where/when this story starts. I'd prefer to expand on what I've already written and further develop the characters that way. I do have some ideas for a couple of new scenes that would fit well into the time frame that this draft establishes.

Thanks again for reading and giving suggestions, Gabe. Really appreciate it. :)

No problem. Can’t wait to read the next draft when it’s up.

Gabe

Thanks Zack,,, I'm here..... lurking... and trying to finish my first feature horror..... that's why I'm not participating as much... too many time constraints lol....job etc...yadda yadda....
Suggestions....... I will give it another read and hopefully have some helpful suggestions.
I also liked how the kids were found..... horribly mangled.... okay yes thats not nice of course but it adds to the horror we see at the end. those nasty kid witches had a good old time with those kids on that bus before it crashed. Very original..... and horrific..... :)

Quoted from Kirsten Thanks Zack,,, I'm here..... lurking... and trying to finish my first feature horror..... that's why I'm not participating as much... too many time constraints lol....job etc...yadda yadda.... Suggestions....... I will give it another read and hopefully have some helpful suggestions. I also liked how the kids were found..... horribly mangled.... okay yes thats not nice of course but it adds to the horror we see at the end. those nasty kid witches had a good old time with those kids on that bus before it crashed. Very original..... and horrific..... :)

If you need some fresh eyes on your feature, just send me a PM. :)

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts after a second read. :)

Hi Zack,

I finally found time to give this a read. Sorry it has taken so long.
I see this is an early draft.

I would agree with the others about more character development. I would also like to see how the kids interacted with each other before the accident. If the kids crave innocence souls, why not show what it does to them? Maybe show if teachers had seen things and how they reacted to them or what actually happened and how children reacted.

I would suggest streamlining the script. I would go through it and get rid of almost all of the parentheticals. If it is obvious by actions and dialogue, you don't need them. Now, if someone was in a rage and suddenly stops and maybe mutters under his breath, you could use one, otherwise they seem redundant.

There are sluglines that need work.
Pg 19 you have old gazebo in slugline as well as old gazebo in your description.
Pg 74 EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
Earl and John walk down the secluded dirt road.

Pg 36
It's a bad one, but i's yours.

Your very first line stands alone, drawing attention to it, but you didn't show us. You told us it's a cloudy day. Picky readers may put it down because of that. They look for ways to say no. Don't give them a reason.
Could write- Thick clouds warn of an approaching storm, or something like that. ???

I was always told naming music in a script is a big no no, unless it's royalty free music that moves the story forward or music for a singer.

I came across an article:
https://worddreams.wordpress.com

"35 quick edits to improve your script's writing style in 24 hours or less."

It is helping me a lot with the rewrite of my script.

I liked The Butcher. Where did he come from?
Did Judy create it or has it been around forever?

I liked when Judy came back. Maybe have her say she is in front of him instead of telling them she is behind them.
I would look for ways to make the obvious less obvious.

Also, everyone was against the kids after the accident. What if a couple parents fought against the town, trying to change their minds,  and also trying to stop them? Maybe even became friends with Judy. Judy could use them to her advantage. They could tell her the town is after her. ???
OR maybe have us believe the kids ARE innocent, and Earl is crazy with grief... only to find out later the opposite is true???

Anyway, congrats on finishing a feature. :-)
It's a big accomplishment.
Now for the brainstorming and rewrite. :-)

Let me know when you are done if you want me to give it another read.

Cindy

Hey, Cindy. Thanks so much for reading my new feature! :) And thanks for all the awesome notes. A lot of good advice here. :)

I'm still standing my ground on where/when I'm starting this story, but I believe I've thought of a good way to show why the Hamilton kids did what they did and how exactly fresh souls affect them.

Happy everyone seems to like the Butcher so much. Guess that means I have to give him some more screentime in the rewrite. ;D Don't want to overdo it though. Still wanna keep him mysterious. :)

Thanks again for reading!

:-)

Hey Zack,

Finally sat down to read this and I am happy I did. I was intrigued from the opening to the ending. I think this is some of your best work, and I can definitely see how you've improved as a writer.

I dug the opening, unlike the others. I thought the burning of the treehouse was a strong visual and showed not only his sadness but his anger as well.

"Sam Elwood" Love it ;)

I loved the monologue of Judy to her kids about the wolf and the sheep.

The park playground scene was a bit hairy to read through just because of how many characters we're introduced to. Now I know how you felt with Just Murdered haha. But, after reading slowly and carefully through the screenplay, I was able to pinpoint each character and who they were.

I will agree with the others that character development is definitely something that needs to be worked on. Judy and her kids are already established in the story, so let's get some background on them as well, at the school with the kids tormenting the rest of their classmates. I know you tell through dialogue of what they have done in the past, but showing it is just as effective, if not more. Right now, they're already having fingers pointed at them and accused of some witch-like deeds, but there should be a bit more to go along with their assumption that they are indeed witches, and that can be shown by the kids at school or Judy at home interacting with passersby or people who stop by like the mailman or something.

As mentioned before, I wanted to see more explanation for the red sand. After you explained it, it makes sense, but it's gotta be more obvious. I was intrigued when she was pouring it, and then it's forgotten in the script much like how I forgot about it after it was poured. You should show John's encounter with the ghost of his wife where John crosses back over the red sand but his wife can't go beyond the perimeter of the sand.

I like the intercuts of Judy and the kids preparing for the attack that will fall upon them that night. However, what I got from your logline was more of a mystery and a "what-if" scenario where we as the audience also question whether or not the kids and Judy are witches. I think it would be fun if we are led to believe that they are normal people who COULD be witches, then it turns out they aren't (or, they are, but lead us in the opposite direction of what the end holds). I think that would be a fun psychological thriller, to make the audience question the validity of their origins and if they really are witches. But since it's you, Zack, I also expected it to be blatantly clear that they're witches and that we would see some sick deaths and action scenes. Which, we did.

The husk of Debbie when we first see it is very eerie. I would be terrified too, Guerra.

Martin's death was brutal!

Griffin's "Make me, bitch!" was perfect! And his comeuppance was well deserved, too. As pointed out, it would be nice to see more control that Griffin has over the husks and how if he dies, they die. Just to allude toward that.

Who is the Handsome Man? Is Father Davis secretly gay?

For John to be a surviving character at the end, he does disappear for quite a bit during the third act.

Hahaha damn, if you can get away with these kids dying in such horrific manners, even though they're the antagonists, then kudos.

I love that Earl didn't give Judy a chance to finish her sentence. Screw her!

The ending scene was a great last piece of action that really ends the script well with a strong, fun visual. Good job.

Overall, pretty solid script you have here. I'd love to see more character development as others had pointed out, since you have at least 10-15 more pages to work with. Give it a shot, see what you can do!

Sean

"Finally sat down to read this and I am happy I did. I was intrigued from the opening to the ending. I think this is some of your best work, and I can definitely see how you've improved as a writer."

Thank you so much. It feels so good hearing you say that. I appreciate it so much. :)

"I dug the opening, unlike the others. I thought the burning of the treehouse was a strong visual and showed not only his sadness but his anger as well."

Happy someone agrees with me. I'm very proud of the scenes that bookend this script.

"I loved the monologue of Judy to her kids about the wolf and the sheep"

Thank you. I also really like that sequence. :)

"I will agree with the others that character development is definitely something that needs to be worked on. Judy and her kids are already established in the story, so let's get some background on them as well, at the school with the kids tormenting the rest of their classmates. I know you tell through dialogue of what they have done in the past, but showing it is just as effective, if not more. Right now, they're already having fingers pointed at them and accused of some witch-like deeds, but there should be a bit more to go along with their assumption that they are indeed witches, and that can be shown by the kids at school or Judy at home interacting with passersby or people who stop by like the mailman or something."

Can't disagree with you or the others. I've got an idea for how I could get some more info on the Hamiltons that would require me to change Viola from a parent to a teacher. Viola would tell the group(maybe I'd use a flashack?) about one of her creepier encounters with the family. Need to think more on it.

"As mentioned before, I wanted to see more explanation for the red sand. After you explained it, it makes sense, but it's gotta be more obvious. I was intrigued when she was pouring it, and then it's forgotten in the script much like how I forgot about it after it was poured. You should show John's encounter with the ghost of his wife where John crosses back over the red sand but his wife can't go beyond the perimeter of the sand."

Totally agree. The rules of the red sand need to be made much more clear. It's actually quite simple. Judy has cursed the area inside the parameter of red sand. If you step into the parameter(basically the entire Hamilton property), you will be haunted by your worst fears/regrets. This needs to be developed more in the next draft.

"I like the intercuts of Judy and the kids preparing for the attack that will fall upon them that night. However, what I got from your logline was more of a mystery and a "what-if" scenario where we as the audience also question whether or not the kids and Judy are witches. I think it would be fun if we are led to believe that they are normal people who COULD be witches, then it turns out they aren't (or, they are, but lead us in the opposite direction of what the end holds). I think that would be a fun psychological thriller, to make the audience question the validity of their origins and if they really are witches. But since it's you, Zack, I also expected it to be blatantly clear that they're witches and that we would see some sick deaths and action scenes. Which, we did."

Initially, I WAS going to keep the truth about the Hamiltons a secret and really play up the mystery, but then I came up with that awesome monologue about the wolf and the sheep and I just decided to lean into the Hamiltons being the villains from the outset. Lol

"Who is the Handsome Man? Is Father Davis secretly gay?"

Yep. This is a result of the red sand and Judy's curse. Again, I need to develop this more.

"For John to be a surviving character at the end, he does disappear for quite a bit during the third act."

Originally, Sam didn't exist John died where she died. After some feedback, I realized this was a mistake and that John needed to survive. I need to clean this up and give him a more active role in the third act. Any suggestions?

"Hahaha damn, if you can get away with these kids dying in such horrific manners, even though they're the antagonists, then kudos."

;D;D;D

"Overall, pretty solid script you have here. I'd love to see more character development as others had pointed out, since you have at least 10-15 more pages to work with. Give it a shot, see what you can do!"

Thanks again, Sean. Your opinion is very important to me. :) Very happy that you enjoyed this one. :)