Quoted from AlexanderLR My favourite part is Mark emerging from the black water in the sink. That's a great visual for a horror film, reminds me of Samara crawling out of the T.V from The Ring. Just a few little improvements... A thunder booms - get rid of 'A' Only Dean can see Mark right? So why does a customer say "Are you fellas gonna make a scene now?" Unless I've missed something? Dean startles - Dean 'startled' "Saw you after a while" - shouldn't that be "I haven't seen you in a while"? "What are y- I didn't knew" - I didn't 'know' So for the ending, is he supposed to be in some alternate universe or something? Are we not meant to know where is he? Overall, great use of tension, visuals and a sense of paranoia. |
Quoted from Gary Parr I think you could lose the entire first scene and it wouldn't affect the story that much. Just start at the bar. |
Quoted from Gary Parr In the bar scene, you could probably merge customer#1 and customer#2 into a single character. Maybe just have a bartender. |
Quoted from Gary Parr In the factory scene, you should probably give co-worker#1 a proper name, as he has significant interaction with Dean. And why give the co-worker a number at all when none of the others interact with Dean? |
Quoted from Gary Parr I got slightly confused during the Kurt exchange, and the deal with Emma. I wasn't really sure what was going on. How long had she been dead? Was she a ghost? |
Quoted from Gary Parr You mentioned that the story includes alternate realities, but I didn't get that impression at all. |
Quoted from Gary Parr I think you could probably lose all the V.O. dialogue as well. You layout the final scene really well visually, I don't think you need the narration. |
Quoted from Gary Parr It was a pretty cool story and I really liked the visuals, especially the sink scene. Anyway, that's my two cents, for what they're worth. |
Quoted from Gary Parr Hey Yuvraj, I don't take it the wrong way at all. I respect that you've got a clear vision for how the story plays out. Thanks for clarifying the points I didn't pick up on, it helped me understand it a lot more. I think getting feedback on feedback is really useful, so thanks again. Can't wait to read some more of your stuff. Gary |