Whatever's Left by Last Minute Guy - For how long it can go?  Short, Drama

I liked the descriptions, and some of the dialogue but it's more subtle than I guess I wanted. Others' mileage may vary. Someone may call it understated.

Writing is a bit awkward in places. Ex. "on one of the tables sit" Clearly, you mean "at." But, originally, I pictured them sitting ON the table.

I'll say, it did make the visual more interesting!

That aside... why was I actually drawn to this couple? I mean, they were so distant and disconnected... but, in an oddly interesting way to me. By the end of page 3, I was somehow (I truly can't explain why) needing to know to what was going to happen to them.

Unfortunately, page 4 gave me no satisfaction, and I'm left feeling disappointed.

The good news: This read fairly well as far as actual mechanics go. Definitely an estranged couple.

The bad news:  I was looking for some sort of resolution, but didn't get it. Like your previous works writer... I'm sure there's a method to your madness. I'm just not seeing it.

I could have missed something.

the Waiter, the JOGGERS, not sure they are allowed per the rules. Not that I'd dock you for it.

Overall not bad, I just wanted something more.

Reg

Hmm, a different take on the challenge here.

They are very clearly estranged, in the middle of their marriage by the look of it too... oddly compelling watching them interact.

There are some off-kilter elements that I can't work out if they are intentional or not, e.g. the mushrooms sequence, she doesn't like them, but for some reason she didn't mention this when ordering them, but Theo was supposed to... did they previously phone in the order, was she powdering her nose when the order was made or is she submissive to him to the point that he orders her food? I want to know!

Has a sort of Lynch vibe to it.

But, as much as this initially got under my skin, I definitely needed more from the end.

FYI, (in the nicest possible way) - That'd read better as ' a fine dining establishment'.

Not keen on mushrooms myself.
Wow, Laura's a real ungrateful so in so.  ;D

Haha, she wanted a different colour. I've known people like this.
Okay, I gather the bracelet is the 'object' and third variable.

If you want the 'phone' to be the object then you need to beef that up a bit imho.

I think for this to have a more satisfying ending the bracelet has to play more of a part in proceedings in your denouement.

I liked the vibe but it just felt incomplete to me.
Maybe she loses it, or it breaks - that would be symbolic.

Hi writer,

The last page felt so disconnected and unnecessary.

Having read another one that has a few characters, I imagine people aren't going to be happy, but I think it fits (two main characters, the rest aren't important to the story and aren't the 3rd variable).

Biggest issue again is that there is no estrangement.

Not really my cup of tea.

All the best.

Hi Guy,

How exactly do Theo and Laura "befit" their surroundings? I think you might have an easier time establishing their looks/prescence more directly if it's needed. This is lacking some tangibility.

I really enjoyed their sniping and little comments to one another, made it compelling to follow. Some of it was quite funny.

I wish you'd used all your pages to establish some kind of set piece here. It felt really strange to realise the script had ended on that note. I do kind of appreciate using the challenge to depict a really specific moment in these people's lives, but it feels like you could have mined that interesting quippy dialogue to give us more of a reason to sit with these people.

Thanks for sharing :)

I like the snide remarks the couple makes to each other. This seems realistic and natural. You have captured the right tone.

A stronger payoff is probably what is needed, but I like what is here so far.

What a couple of douchebags. They deserve each other. Neither the spine to do anything about it.

Can it be an estranged relationship if that seems to be the norm? I'm sure in history they were sensitive and understanding of each other but that time is long gone. Regardless, definitely estranged. Check.

Was the bracelet the 3rd variable? Check.

Some punctuation and grammar issues. Just enough to be distracting in the read but easily fixed.

Good job, writer.