The Victor House by me - A distraught couple fight over an ill-fated decision and process loss within the walls of their worn Victorian home.  Short, Drama

There's some decent writing on display here, a couple of grammar slips, but nothing major, and the descriptions and settings are well-drawn and I was immediately intrigued as to what exactly was going on here, though I don;t see them as estranged.

But the ending feels rushed, almost tagged on with far too much tell and nowhere near enough show... also not entirely sure what the 3rd variable was, picture frame or the plaque at the end?

Good effort.

Nice set-up, the relationship angle didn't feel estranged, sure there is tension and conflict.

Maybe it would have been better if just one of them had made the fateful decision and play off that.

I think in a second pass you could tighten up the ending, just wasn't a big fan of the plaque at the end. Definitely more tell than show .

Good writing on display. Not bad overall,

Reg

Very interesting concept. I had to go back and reread but that's my fault, I think. Nice little reveal.

I'm guessing the plaque to be the 3rd variable? Or the picture of the son? "The third variable can be the cause of the whole situation or the solver of it - it is entirely up to you. But it must be a VITAL part of the story." I'm thinking it must be the son since the plaque is only vital to our understanding as the reader.

This could be quite something with a bit of work. Showing the plaque seems to take away from the story, to me.

Good job, writer.

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text Super: 1990

Not a big deal but SUPER is generally capitalized.

Quoted Text SUPER: 30 years later

Okay, maybe that first one is a typo.

So keeping this is mind...

Quoted Text Depict a harsh, realistic, and emotionally stirring estranged relationship between the characters

SPOILER

Are we saying ghosts are realistic? Because I am firmly in the skeptical camp so I'm really not sure this fits the bill.

I think you could have used the extra pages to flesh this out a bit more, maybe add something to make it a little more unique? I feel this kind of situation is quite played out.

The writing in general isn't bad but also could use a little more flair, IMO.

All the best.

The idea of parents trying to follow a child into the afterlife is a good one. It's chilling that they are not able to find the kid once they get there. That adds to the effectiveness.

I feel like the sign at the end is going to draw mixed responses. I don't mind it, but I think some readers will struggle with it.

The characters seem more upset about the child than unhappy with each other.

This required two reads, and I imagine that will be the case for many readers.

Count me as "not a fan" on the plaque. You had pages to use, and you should have used them to play out the story instead of having us all read it at the end.

I do like the idea of the parents looking for their son in the afterlife. It's an idea worth pursuing.

This setup is so good.
Loved the vibe! Just wanted more without the cheat at the end.

Revamp after the challenge and fill in the gaps.

The concept and story is good. But that plaque, just, come on now. It's like you thought you could not bring in another character and just plastered everything on the plaque. And God help you if you use voice-over narration.

Writer,

This was conceptually interesting (in terms of the premise, it’s high concept). Whether this is truly “””realistic””” as per the contest prompt is another thing, but it’s not weighing on me.

Solid writing technically.

The wall of text of the plaque is jarring. I don’t think it works to devote nearly 10% of a 5 page script to on screen text. There’s nothing here that couldn’t be conveyed with a bit of exposition peppered thoughtfully throughout.

Thanks for sharing

Although frequently done storyline, the writing was nice visually. But the ending was a letdown here. It felt abrupt and out of place.  

Good luck.

Rather than beat the dead horse that is the plaque at the end of The Victor House, I simply invite everyone to read my re-write of The Victor House at https://robert-timsah.com/the-victor-house-2/ , which you'll be thrilled to know - has no plaque.

Some may still have qualms with certain aspects of this latest version, and if so, please read my other short script titled - Feedback Addiction at https://robert-timsah.com/feedback-addiction/ It might be right up your alley.

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback on this challenge version. I've hurled the plaque into the ocean, never to be seen or thought of again.

Ha! Dang it... I luv what you did to this Robert. :)-A

Ooh, luv your website...cool!

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ha! Dang it... I luv what you did to this Robert. :)-A Ooh, luv your website...cool!

Okay, so I altered the ending again. But - I'm done. I swear. This time. LOL It's getting there! Thanks for giving it a look. I appreciate it.