The Call by Gary Parr - Short, Horror - We all have bad days. But what happens when you have one bad day too many? 4 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Thanks Don :)

Hey, Gary, gave this a read.

It is a nice story with decent writing. Although, the writing still needs some work. Cut down the actions and write them in one or two lines. Precise and to the point.

For eg:

Quoted Text We see MARK HENDERSON (30s) sitting on a closed toilet seat, hunched over, scrolling through his phone. He's wearing a rumpled blue shirt and a tie that's askew. His hair's a mess and he has a straggly beard. There's a bag beside the toilet.

On the closed toilet seat sits, MARK HENDERSON (30s), scrolling through his phone.

He wears a rumpled blue shirt and askew tie. To accompany this attire, he's got messy hair and a straggly beard.

A bag rests beside the toilet.  

Quoted Text Mark sits back, confused. He stares at the number for several beats, gives a little laugh, and types it into his phone. His finger hovers over the call button for several beats, before pressing the screen and holding it to his ear. It rings several times. He is about to cancel the call when it connects. We hear static from the other end, it gets louder and softer, rhythmic, like breathing. The man listens intently, nobody speaks.

Confused, Mark stares at the number. Chuckles. Then types the number on his phone.

Hesitantly, he presses the call button.

The rings go on for quite a bit longer than usual. Strange.

Suddenly, a static sound cuts in the rings. It is soft and rhythmic.

From the other end, no one speaks.


These are just the examples that make for a quick read. It also makes your script appear more white (as in the page color), which is something that is appreciated in screenwriting. Conveying 6 lines of an action para in just 2 lines.

On the story now:

Did the gun magically appear in Mark's hand? Or from his bag? Little confused here.

I think it will be better if we see why Mark sucks at his job. Just my opinion. A little bit of confrontation between him and his colleagues. To solidify that Mark truly is frustrated despite giving his best (which I am assuming is a good employee).  

Good luck.  

Hi Yuvraj

Thanks for the read, and the feedback. I see what you're saying about the action lines, they can definitely be tightened.

As for the gun, it doesn't suddenly appear in his hand, more like he's pulled it out of the bag without even realising it.

Everything after he sees the phone number is him having a complete break from reality.

I was challenged to write something in 4 pages, but I feel like I could write a longer piece that develops the story a lot more.

Watch this space ;D

Gary

Quoted from Gary Parr As for the gun, it doesn't suddenly appear in his hand, more like he's pulled it out of the bag without even realizing it.

The confusion stems from the fact that you just mentioned - Mark looking down at his hand holding a gun. Before that, we had no idea about any guns. And the bag is also mentioned in just one line.

Maybe indicating that something inside the bag glistens or any indirect way of showing that he may be carrying any arms would add some more clarity. Otherwise, it appears magical.

I mean, there has to be a serious reason for him to carry a gun at his workplace.

Just my opinion.  

Hey Gary,

Maybe there needs to be a mini setup, a hint (to understand the rules) where we see that Mark doesn’t realize he’s done something before the gun reveal to minimize possible confusion.  

or as I believe Yuraj suggested draw attention to the bag by giving it, its own line of description. There may be a way to interact with the bag without revealing what you want too soon.

BLB